Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Up... Chuck!

Okay, I'm not cool any more (I'm not sure if I EVER was, but I'll leave this for my kids to determine).  I don't pick up on trends, fads, or fashions since they aren't really that important to me.  I do not read 'People', 'Us', 'Time', 'Cosmopolitan', or, hard as it is to believe, the 'National Enquirer'. 

I have an unhealthy distrust for 'all things Hollywood' as I believe that actors who read lines which are written for them are, in general, not to be trusted when speaking about anything affecting national security, presidential politics, or scientific matters.  (Matt Damon springs to mind...)

It has recently come to my attention however that there is ONE man who is different.  His name?  "Chuck Norris"

I learned much about Chuck Norris earlier this year while shopping at Kohl's for clothing for my boys.  I hadn't seen Chuck Norris in years (except hawking that multi-purpose Power Gym).  I thought Chuck's celebrity career ended when "Walker, Texas Ranger" did.  But there I was at Kohl's, looking at Chuck Norris' face plastered on T-Shirts everywhere, and accompanied by 'manly' expressions regarding the amount of 'manliness' embodied in a single man, yes, THE man -- Chuck Norris.  Man, oh man... 

I had no idea of the phenomena I almost missed.  In case you've been living in a cave also, check out the following (so you'll be 'cool' enough for your kids to be seen with):


Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming 'Law' and 'Order' are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris once commented, "There are few problems in this world that cannot be solved by a swift roundhouse kick to the face. In fact, there are none."

Chuck Norris kicked Neo out of Zion , now Neo is "The Two"

Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is.

China was once bordering the United States, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it all the way through the Earth.

If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

When Chuck Norris had surgery, anesthesia was applied to the doctors.

Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire.

Chuck Norris once tried to wear glasses. The result was him seeing around the world to the point where he was looking at the back of his own head.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

There is no such thing as tornados. Chuck Norris hates trailer parks.

Chuck Norris never cries, because of this when he's sad he roundhouse kicks himself and it makes him feel better since he knows he is the only one who can survive the roundhouse.

When asked what type of vehicle he drives, Chuck Norris responded slyly with "Don't you mean what kind of vehicle drives me?"

Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and the 'Chuck Norris'.

Chuck Norris is why Waldo hides.

And just in case you wanted to prove the strength of your 'kitchen appliance'; the ultimate test MUST be:   the 'Chuck Norris Will It Blend' Test:

I've got to go work on my abs now (a.k.a.:  the snack machine calls to me once more...)

Before I sign off, in case you're wondering, I now own two Chuck Norris T-Shirts, although mine are X-Large (unlike Chuck's). 

His size would probably be called, simply, 'Chuck Norris'. 

One size does NOT fit all. 

Ain't that the truth?
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