Thursday, May 7, 2009

The Dingo Did It

"All right MISTER, walk a straight line for me!" The officer shouts to the man he has just pulled over.

"But officer, I, I, I, can't!" The man continues to blubber as he slides to his knees on the roadway directly in front of the State Trooper.
This happens often in Loudoun County, Virginia. In Loudoun County, Virginia there are fewer 'straight lines' than there used to be.
Don't believe me? Check out the photo below:

Welcome to Loudoun County, Virginia! Now, leave!

Just don't do it in a straight line!

Q.: So why won't the folks in Loudoun County paint a straight line?

A.: Because the Dingo stole their Road Painter (reference above photo).

Yes, the Virginia Department of Transportation has decided that in an effort to S-L-O-W traffic in several congested areas that they would paint 'interesting and baffling' patterns on the roadways to slow down (in reality, to 'dis-orient' drivers and force them to slow down lest they wind up in a fiery crash (in highly-trafficked pedestrian and cyclist sections of the street)).

A big 'High Five' to our friends in Loudoun, Virginia for having the foresight to 'dis-orient' drivers (who, by their own admission) are traveling at high rates of speed where old people, children, joggers, and Nannies are walking little babies in strollers tend to be found!

I, personally, never would have thought of this! But who would?

To quote a spokesperson from the VDOT: "While at first motorists may be a little disoriented, the main point is to get them to pay attention and slow down through that area."

He then added, "We've found that the sound of screaming children and the 'thud' and 'crunch' associated with striking elderly citizens has been statistically proven to slow down traffic by as much as 7 miles per hour!" (No, I made this quote up, but the first quote above is TRUE.)

The Australians (you know, the British Penal Colony folks who we don't talk about so much any more since Paul Hogan got really old and scary-looking) came up with this gem of an idea for traffic control (the first idea of placing live kangaroos and wallabees on leashes in the street didn't work so well, and it was REALLY messy).

The Australians are the same folks who want us to believe that whenever a child disappears in Australia that the, "Dingo ate the baby!" (You can find more detail on this in the embedded link in "A." above. Assuming that you really like to read about such things, have at it... Okay, I know, it only happened ONCE, but it COULD happen again... And I'm NOT going to Australia since I LOVE my family (and don't want them eaten by 'wild mutant dogs'.)

As for me, we'll be vacationing in Mexico this year, I hear the tourist traffic is WAY off and I can really get a deal on airfare and lodging! Hmm, I wonder why that is...

So the folks at the Virginia Department of Transportation (taking their lead from the six people left alive in Australia (all others were eaten by dingoes)) have decided to paint 'crazy lines' on roadways at several locations in the state to SLOW Virginians down.

If they see people actually slowing down as a result of these zigzag lines, I can only assume that you'll see more lines painted in Virginia. If however, they find people speeding up, taking their hands off the wheel and hanging their heads out the windows of their cars shouting, "This is better than acid man!!! Way better than acid! It's just like 'Jumping into Hyperspace in Star Wars!!!" I can only assume that the Virginia Department of Transportation will lobby Washington for more 'shovel-ready project money' so they can afford to physically BEND the streets to match the stripes, increasing the driving RUSH for thrill seeking, high-speed drivers.

THIS is 'governmental logic' at its finest.

Not to be out-done by Virginia, Washington has plans for some road-painting of its own (although the Obama Administration admits that these road paintings might take a 'wee' bit longer):

Hello, welcome to Washington, DC. Please drive safely!

Nobody, but nobody beats Washington, DC at anything. Ever!

For the complete story, click the following link (I know, I know, some of you don't believe anything I say, but I have never lied to you (by accident)) -- Loudoun Gets Funky

Never doubt the Cow Guy.

Moo

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