Monday, January 23, 2012

Conservatives vs. Liberals (The Turn-About-Is-Fair-Play Edition)

Things have gotten a bit heated lately with regard to Presidential Politics, primaries, and, in general, the state of the Union.  Since President Obama is having his own 'State of the Union' address tomorrow evening, I'm thinking that it's time to lighten things up a bit. 

I went to the Internet and looked for jokes about politics.  I found a site dedicated to jokes about Conservatives (who saw THIS coming???) sooooo,  I took the liberty of changing the subject matter 'a bit' and came up with the following:

Question: What's the difference between Rush Limbaugh and Bill Maher?
Answer: One has a Radio Show and is the most listened to man in America, the other speaks almost entirely to himself.  (Acceptable alternative answer:  "Who's Bill Maher???") 

Question: Why can’t liberals find facts?
Answer: They aren’t looking for any.

Question: How do liberals brain cells die?
Answer: Lonely.

Question: How do you confuse a liberal?
Answer: You don’t, they are born that way

Question: If Barack, Harry and Nancy and all the other liberals are on a sinking ship, who gets saved?
Answer: We do.

Question: What’s the difference between a terrorist and a liberal?
Answer: The terrorist makes fewer demands.

Question: What’s the difference between liberals and cow pies?
Answer: Cow pies stop stinking after awhile  (This is true - trust me...)

Question: What’s the definition of a liberal genius?
Answer: A liberal who can count all 50 (acceptable alternative answer:  '57') states.

Question: How is being at a Democrat convention different from being at the circus?
Answer: At the circus the clowns don’t beg and whine at you.

Question: How many Liberals does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: It takes ten, nine to deny that darkness exists and one to hire a Republican to change it.

Question: What is the difference between giving to the poor and giving to Liberals?
Answer: The poor don’t follow you around for three weeks whining for more.

Question: How do you drown a Liberal?
Answer: You paint Barack Obama’s face at the bottom of a pool.

Question: Why do Liberals like smart, highly-educated women?
Answer: Opposites attract.

(Yes, it's a joke - just go with it...)

Scientists were struggling to understand the differences between children raised in Liberal homes vs. Conservative households.  They devised a study to determine if there were traits which distinguished one from the other in response to external stimuli.

Past studies indicated that Liberal children are less happy than their Conservative counterparts.  In an effort to more deeply investigate the reasoning for this disparity, scientists devised a plan to study the effects of 'surroundings' on a Liberal child as well as his Conservative counterpart.


Barry, son of a middle-class Liberal couple is led into a darkened warehouse, seated in a wooden chair and told that he must sit for one minute after which the lights will be turned on and he can play with whatever he finds in the massive room once the lights are illuminated.

The lights turn on and Barry finds himself surrounded by brand-new toys of every shape and size, a mini-bike, and, in a distant corner of the room - a pony.  The researchers film Barry's reaction at being surrounded by toys should have fired his imagination sparking youthful, gleeful play. 

However, in spite of his surroundings the boy remains seated staring down at his hands neatly folded upon his lap.  After two hours of observation the researchers re-enter the room to ask Barry questions:

  • "Why did you not play with all these wonderful toys?
  • "Why did you not leave your chair?"
  • "Didn't you SEE the pony?  Every boy wants a pony?"
  • "What were you thinking after the lights came on?"
Barry sits gazing at his hands as he replies slowly to the questions raised by the researchers. 

In response, the boy says the following: 

"Oh, sure, the toys LOOK wonderful, but they will probably break once I start playing with them.  Most likely they're made in China and are chock-full of lead paint which will kill me if I'm exposed to it for a long enough period of time." 

"If I left my chair and you turned the lights off again, I may have fallen and hurt myself, being left alone here in the dark to die.  I don't know who you are, why would I trust you - just because you're carrying a clipboard and wearing a white lab jacket?  The lady in my lunch room does the same thing when I line up for my Free Lunch program at school.  The only difference is that since she works for the government?  I trust her."   

"Yes, I saw the pony, but as everyone knows ponies and other livestock is mistreated and abused every day.  If I try to ride the pony I will be forcing my will onto his, taking his freedoms away.  Not to mention that fact that ponies are animals which live outside!  Until I see notification from the Department of Agriculture that this pony doesn't carry any diseases and has appropriate health documentation, I'm not going any where near that thing."

"As for the lights, yes I saw them come on, but since they did not come on slowly, I realized that you were using old, inefficient incandescent bulbs.  These are very expensive to operate and have a greatly diminished useful life as compared to Federally-Mandated Compact Fluorescent Bulb alternatives.  I thought that if I sat in the chair that you WOULD turn the lights off again so you would not be wasting electricity.  And I knew you weren't REAL researchers because real researchers would never us high intensity halogen bulbs to illuminate a warehouse full of toys - because, honestly, there's no point to it... "

The boy's voice trailed off as the researchers look from one to another.  "Okay Barry, thank you for participating in our study today.  Follow us out and we'll get you back to your folks in the next few minutes..."    

Baffled by the child's reluctance to play with a warehouse full of toys, the researchers summoned Tommy to the facility for evaluation the following day.

Given the disappointing results of Barry's experience, they modified the experiment as follows:

The warehouse was emptied off all toys and games.  

The pony was taken out of the facility and in his place a huge pile of manure was stacked upon the floor in the furthest corner of the warehouse.  

The experiment was repeated as before, this time, with Tommy, the Conservative kid seated in the chair.  When the lights came on, Tommy lept from his chair and ran for the pile of manure.  He grabbed fist fulls of the stuff and threw it into the air and everywhere around the room.  He laughed, he sang, he was joyful beyond all rational expectation.

Twenty minutes later, the researchers entered the room with a single question among them,  "Tommy, we put you in a room full of horse poop and you're having a LOT of fun...  Why?"

Tommy looked back at them in his filthy clothes, dirty face, smiled at them and laughed, "Well, with all those horse poop in here, I figured if I kept moving this stuff around, I'd find a pony!" 

As for myself, I continue to look for the pony - in SPITE of the amount of miscellaneous Liberal poop (and Nincompoops) which come my way.

I haven't found him yet, but I know he's out there. 

Just a bit more digging???

Kid, question away...
It keeps 'em guessing.
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