Friday, August 3, 2012

Reiding is FunDuhMental!!!

"Hey kids, does anyone know what today is, and why today is important?", asks the man in the brown suit, white shirt, and cow-spotted tie.

Bobby raises a tentative hand, "It's Friday, right Mr. Moos?"

"Yes Bobby, it IS Friday, but that's not why today is important.", says the man as he straightens his jacket and shifts in his chair.  "Anyone else want to take a guess as to why today is special?" he asks.

The room is quiet as the children each look down the line of wooden desk chairs from one to another.  At the end of the row a girl in bright yellow shorts and blue top begins to wave her hand as if it has just been set on fire and she's trying to shake it out.

"Mr. Moos, is it because today is "Reiding is Fun-Duh-Mental Day"?", she blurts this out as if the suspense is killing her.

"Yes Tracy, today IS "Reiding is Fun-Duh-Mental Day", says the man as he tosses her a six-pack of Oreo cookies.  "And does anyone know why this makes today special?" he asks them.

Tracy's hand shoots up again, "Because today is the day we can make stuff up and say it out loud for anyone to hear it - right!?!?  And, and, and, we don't have to tell anyone WHY we made it up, or if we actually heard it from someone for real, or if we, um, just pulled it out of the clear blue sky! 

And then we tell the person we made the stuff up about to prove that what we said...  Isn't true.  Isn't that right Mr. Moos?!?!" the girl is now shaking in anticipation knowing the man has more Oreos stashed in his bag and she has answered the question correctly again. 

"You are exactly right Tracy - today is the day that we make stuff up and challenge people (whom we don't like) to prove that it isn't true!  Great answer, but sorry, no more Oreos for you!  

Unfortunately, the FDA has determined that eating more than ten Oreos a week will make you fat, lazy, and quite possibly, a Welfare recipient.  Giving you more cookies is morally reckless.  I cannot, in good conscience, give you any more of those wonderful Oreos."  He dons a pair of surgical gloves, reaches into his shopping bag, withdraws a head of Mizuna and tosses it to the girl.  

"What am I supposed to do with this?" she asks.

"Tracy, I have no idea - I don't like even touching the stuff - that's why I pack the gloves..."  Then he stands, pulls off his gloves, tosses them into the bag and walks away leaving the stunned kids wondering what happens next.

"Mr. Moos, hey, Mr. Moos, so when do WE get to make stuff up?" Suzie asks.

"Right after you get a lesson from the Pro.  This man IS a professional - don't try this at home kids..." He pulls a full sleeve of Oreos from his jacket pocket and pops most of them into his mouth all at once.  

He gags a bit as he chews, the lights dim, a computer whirs to life in the distance as a thin and whiny voice begins to pump from the tinny laptop speakers...

LA Times Online, August 2, 2012:  (Harry Reid) The Democrat, in remarks to the Senate this morning, said "the word's out that he [Romney] hasn't paid any taxes for 10 years." Of course, that "word" has come from none other than Reid himself. Since last month, when he alleged in a Senate floor speech that Romney "basically paid no taxes in the prior 12 years," the Nevada lawmaker has continued to hammer away at the topic.

Reid has said he learned about Romney’s taxes earlier this summer from an investor in Bain Capital who, he said, called his office to pass along the information. The senator has refused to identify the investor and has acknowledged that he can't be certain about the veracity of the charges he's been spreading.

In a conference call with Nevada reporters on Wednesday, he broadened what he said were his sources for the contention that Romney was able to avoid federal taxes.

"I have had a number of people tell me that," said Reid, according to the Las Vegas Review-Journal, while refusing to elaborate. "I don't think the burden should be on me," Reid told the home-state reporters. "The burden should be on him. He's the one I've alleged has not paid any taxes. Why didn't he release his tax returns?”

On Thursday morning, Reid said that a nominee for a Cabinet position couldn't get confirmed by the Senate if he made as limited a release of tax information as Romney has thus far.

"Let him prove that he has paid taxes, because he hasn't," Reid declared, then adding that “Mitt Romney makes more money in a single day than the average middle-class family makes in two years or more."

 "Okay kids, go for it," commands a slightly-muffled (still chewing) voice from somewhere behind the PC monitor glowing in the darkened room.

Tracy raises her hand and says that she heard that, "Harry Reid is a part-time owner and full-time customer of the World Famous Chicken Ranch Brothel.  Here he is seen 'making Googly eyes' at Vanessa WunderBottom - a well-known German prostitute revered for her uncanny ability of being able to pick up a TV remote and depressing the selector keys to access the local Cable Channel for CNN...  While never using her fingers. 

She is the woman who encouraged Harry to begin parting his hair on the left (see prior image above) because, as she said, "My little Harry - everything about him is a little to the Left...  And I mean EVERYTHING."

"I know that it's true because I heard someone talking about it on the downtown bus," she adds...

Billy says, "I heard that Harry Reid beats his wife 'a lot'.  Then he photo-shops his head onto a much more 'manly body' so he can feel better about the quality of the beating.  You know, because he's not REALLY so tough. 

When asked for a comment, Reid said, "If I want to beat my wife, that's up to me see, and if you don't like it, I can put my head on a freakin' Godzilla or something and really scare you big time!  If that doesn't work, I'll put my big ol' gourd on top of Nancy Pelosi's body - that'll scare the bejeezus out of you!  

Oh wait, I've already put my head on Nancy - strike that..."  

Billy finishes by saying that "It must be true, because I just read it here, on the Internet."


Jimmy states the following about Harry Reid, "My staff has always said, 'Don't say this,' but I'm going to say it again because it's so descriptive because it's true," Reid said.

He referenced House Minority Leader John Boehner's comments about the long lines of tourists that stream into the Capitol complex, and said: "In the summertime, because (of) the high humidity and how hot it gets here, you could literally smell the tourists coming into the Capitol." 

"Oops, sorry kids, this last one actually happened.  So let's call it a day, I'm hungry and I need to find a couple of milk shakes to wash these cookies down."

"Did you save any cookies for us?" asks Jimmy.

"No Jimmy, the cookies are for me.  As a matter of fact, I just polished off Tracy's cookies while she was writing her Reiding FunDuhMental comments above.  Instead, I'm taking all of you to Chick Fil-A; I hear there are many interesting 'things' to see there today..."

"Yay, we love Chick Fil-A Mr. Moos!!!  You're the absolute best!!!"   

"It goes without saying kids - but thanks for saying it all the same..." He says as he holds the door open for the kids leaving the classroom.

"Mr. Moos, will there be 'haters' over at the Chick Fil-A?" Tracy asks.

"Not from our side kidd-o.  Not from our side.  We like everybody - even when we're making stuff up about them.  We do it to be funny, not to destroy anyone.  There is a difference."  

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