Sunday, January 30, 2011


I take no pleasure in reporting that an American Icon has been accused of attempting to KILL a Member of Congress. 

Reports arose earlier today that a well-known Comic Strip character has attempted to inflict life-threatening and 'permanent' damage to...
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  Dennis Kucinich -D, OH
The above photo was taken following the attack on Mr. Kucinich by 'Olive', a well-known Right-Wing Extremist recognized internationally for hanging out with men (both of whom are known to be... 'Sailors'.) 

Here she is shown in a recent mugshoot image following an incident involving two men, a baby, and a can of Spinach.  (Say it with me now...  Ewwwwww!) 

There are no more recent photos of Ms. Oyl as she has been hiding in a seaside bunker in her hometown of Sweethaven Village, Maine with her illegitimate Love-Child, Sweet Pea and some illegal alien named, "Eugene".
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If you see this woman, do not approach her on your own - she is known to be armed (she has TWO of these) and dangerous...
Once again, calls by President Obama for civility seem to fallen upon deaf ears.

Oh, oh!  I'm sorry.  I appear to have only gotten half of the story posted correctly.  I'm being told by the guys in the MoosRoom that Dennis Kucinich-D, OH was NOT assaulted by a female cartoon character. 

He was in fact, assaulted by...
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       An OLIVE, just not an... OLIVE OYL

Yes, according to updated reports I'm just receiving, Dennis Kucinich was EATING A SANDWICH WRAP several years ago when he was suddenly, unexpectedly, and unmercilessly attacked by - a small fleshy fruit.


A 'fruit'.

Apparently someone in the Congressional Cafeteria failed to check Mr. Kucinich's 'small fleshy fruit' to make sure that its PIT was removed.  Certainly Mr. Kucinich cannot be expected to take HUMAN BITES (like the rest of us) and carefully CHEW his food. 

He's in Congress. 

Someone really should chew his food FOR HIM.  (I've already done this for Hillary Clinton - don't ask, I won't tell.  She didn't know that I did it while she was a Senator in New York either -- Shhhhhh, say no more.) 

How cool is THAT??? [Snicker]

So BECAUSE Mr. Kucinich was attacked by an 'olive' he is suing the Congressional Cafeteria for $150,000 for
"Permanent dental injuries and oral injuries requiring multiple surgeries and dental procedures" (Go ahead, follow the link - THIS I'm not making this up).

WHY is he suing?  Quick somebody get me an Attorney!  Great, here's one now:

The suit says the wrap "contained dangerous substances, namely an olive pit" that a consumer would not reasonably expect to find in the product served.

Yes, who in their RIGHT MIND would expect to find 'Olive Bits' in a sandwich advertised as including on its list of ingredients...  'Olive Bits'?

WAIT JUST ONE BICUSPIDIAL MOMENT HERE BUCKEROOS!!!  But, um, like, don't we FUND the Congressional Cafeteria?  He's suing US because he eats (pardon the expression) like a COW??? 

Dude, chew your dang food or eat on YOUR OWN dime somewhere else! 

I'm not suing YOU because you're a NUT. 

Feel free NOT to see ME because your Mama never taught you how to chew a'Wrap' properly. 
(Just wait for the ban on 'Wrap Music', yeah, I called it - right here, right now...)

1. He's got a superhero slogan
It's a bird! It's a plane! It's "
America's most courageous congressman."

2. He's seen a UFO
At least that's what he said in 2007, after
Shirley MacLaine recounted the incident in her book "Sage-Ing While Age-Ing." According to MacLaine's version of events, Kucinich was visiting her home in Washington state when he "saw a gigantic triangular craft ... he said he felt a connection in his heart and heard directions in his mind." Kucinich, then a candidate for the Democratic nomination for president, confirmed the UFO sighting at a debate. "It was an unidentified flying object, OK?" he said. "I saw something."

3. He's in favor of lowering age limits
Kucinich has called for
lowering the drinking age from 21 to 18, and lowering the voting age from 18 to 16.

4. He had a close call with the Mafia
As mayor of Cleveland in 1978, Kucinich learned of
a Mafia plot to assassinate him at a city parade. Investigators believed local dons were frustrated by Kucinich's policies, which put a dent in their operations. As luck would have it, Kucinich missed the parade because he was hospitalized with an ulcer, but Cleveland police advised him to buy a gun for protection. Kucinich, a longtime supporter of gun control, later introduced legislation to ban civilian ownership of handguns.

5. He's friends with Larry Flynt
The porn mogul hosted a star-studded fundraiser for Kucinich's 2008 presidential bid. Guests at the Hustler headquarters included Ed Norton, Sean Penn and Melissa Etheridge. In a statement,
Flynt said: "I support Dennis Kucinich because not only have I been a friend of his for 40 years, but I believe he offers an essential, viable and exciting option to the candidates that are more popular at the moment."

Seriously, what more can I add to the 'Dennis Kucinich Story'?
(Soon to be released as a Major DeliriumWorks Motion Picture Production in 3D and Denta-Round!!!)

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Buy the Dennis Kucinich "I Want to Believe" T-Shirt (Currently, only available in BLUE)

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Sell your Vote for HealthCare for a Ride on AirForceOne!
Please God, let this be as close to AF1 as he ever gets...  Please???

Friday, January 28, 2011

Prairie Dogs In Da House!

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                      ”Cynomys Dogus Prairius Americanus”

This, from Wikipedia:  Prairie dogs are named for their habitat and warning call, which sounds similar to a dog’s bark. The name was in use by at least 1774. The 1804 journals of the Lewis and Clark Expedition note that in September 1804, they “discovered a Village of an animal the French Call the Prairie Dog.” Its genus, Cynomys, derives from the Greek for dog mouse.

In companies that use large numbers of cubicles in a common space, employees sometimes use the term prairie dogging to refer to the action of several people simultaneously looking over the walls of their cubicles in response to a noise or other distraction. This action is thought to resemble the startled response of a group of prairie dogs.

According to the two definitions above, most days you’ll find Prairie Dogs either on the Prairie [Duh] or within the confines of a corporation’s office ’bull pen’.  Men and women popping their heads up sporadically to see ’What’s going on?’, ‘What was that noise?’, or, ‘Holy cow, you mean they FIRED the entire Marketing Department?!?!?  Hey, I’m in the Marketing Department!”
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Last night however, was all about ‘Prairie Dogging’ in the House.  The politically-correct ‘Blues’ and ‘Reds’ dutifully entered the House floor adorned with their symbolic Black and White Tucson-shooting ribbons for the President’s State of the Union Address. 

Last night I was a participant in viewing dogs of a similar sort to these latter ‘dogs’.

(I almost called them ‘Lemmings’ for purposes of this post but no one has a soft-spot in their heart for a Lemming.  Plus, the majority of Lemmings don’t know where there going – only one does.  He's normally the one who gets 'wet' first.  Unfortunately, good-decision-making is not a strong suit of the atypical ‘Lemming’.  (Well, with the exception, of course, of the one little guy with the orange inner-tube around his waist.  I like him.  I call him ‘Bob’.))

I’ll save you the sixty-four minutes of watching the President’s entire speech online and tell you everything that you need to know about the State of the Union:  Yeah, everything’s cool, we need to spend some more money and the State of the Union is ‘Strong’.

There you go, everything the President said in just over an hour in one tidy package of roughly eighteen words (excluding the ’contraction’ for everything’s meaning ‘everything is’).

We caught up so far?  Excellent!  Super groovy cool…

Oops, getting back to the dogs ‘thing’.  My post from late yesterday afternoon entitled, ”Kumbaya” discussed the ‘Powerful message communicated by Republicans and Democrats sitting together during the speech proving to Lunatics that they don’t need to shoot people over the angry rhetoric in Washington’.  This message is best summed up by Elton John’s breakthrough album, “Don’t Shoot Me, I’m Only the Piano Player”.  In case you think that I made this up (I have NEVER lied to you before, I’m NOT going to start now):
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           Ta Da!!! There it is!  Haven’t lied…  Yet.
So we’ve got a room full of the ‘Best and Brightest’ Attorneys (oops, I meant ‘ Caring Politicians’) gathered sitting ‘Kumbaya’ style next to each other and something ‘odd’ happened.  (Woohoo, who saw THAT coming!?!?)

The ‘oddness’ happened organically as TYPICALLY ‘Reds’ sit with ‘Reds’ and ‘Blues’ sit with, you guessed it, ‘Blues’.  They stand, applause, and sit, in their appropriate section of the House pretty much in UNISON when they are sitting together.  Last night, however, they were ALL over the place.  I may not be the first one telling you this, but they looked LOST.  Every time the President said something which called for either an applause or boo line, members of Congress had to look around at other members to see what THEY should be doing.

My Mom had an expression of, let’s see, it had something to with either doing, “Something, (this was a BAD word) or getting off the pot.”  Last night, Reds and Blues couldn’t even FIND their pot (well, not all of them, at least – I’m sure a few of them ‘lit up’ prior to entering the House floor) let alone doing something about it.

So you have the SMARTEST MEN AND WOMEN IN THE NATION looking at OTHER Members to see if they should laugh, clap, stand, boo, or perhaps, as referenced above, get off the pot.  Don’t we pay these folks to think for themselves?  Does the House of Representatives really need an APPLAUSE board (or BOO Board) like one of those idiotic daytime game shows?

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          Oh, please SOMEONE tell me it’s not so.

The one thing I can tell YOU about last night’s speech, about half the members of Congress are going to need physical therapy for several months with the amount of ‘Head Twisting’ that was going on in the House.

You want a stock tip?

BUY Johnson and Johnson Stock (Symbol ‘JNJ’).

WHY?  Because they make this stuff:

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Aw, come on, who added the Red TEXT above the tube?

That’s NOT funny!!!  (Well, it is, but that doesn’t make it right…)

All I know is with the amount of ’head twisting’ last night and the regularly-scheduled ’arm twisting’ that goes on in DC, JNJ’s BenGay is pretty much a LOCK as America’s growth stock for the foreseeable future.

So there you have it.  It sure was nice to sing ’Kumbaya’ together last night as we held hands with each other, watched our Nation’s representatives meet, and then longingly look to each other to see what the ‘others’ were doing to determine what 'they' should do.

Yeah, the 112th Congress ROCKS HARD!

Okay, that’s it for today, but I did want to conclude with a few photos taken at the end of the Speech last night.  I’m such a sentimental kind of guy, cow, whatever…

Barack and Michelle meet for a brief kiss following the President’s speech…
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Barney Frank relaxes after a grueling day of relaxing…blog post photo

A few of the President’s Czars get together to see what else they can do to make Congress irrelevant…
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Lastly, accompanied by a few friends, Al Gore stages a protest outside the House against ‘something’, although he’s not entirely sure what he’s protesting yet…
But don’t worry, it’ll come to him sooner or later.
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Something always comes to Al – Oscars, Nobel-Peace Prizes, graft, you know, all the things which make it good to be HIM.

Let’s be civil out there, okay?


Ah, here are the Dogs of the Prairie now...
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Wednesday, January 26, 2011


I published this prior to last night's State of the Union Address - so whatever I say below, I wrote it PRIOR to the Address being delivered.

I got close in my estimation of what President Obama would say, but I did miss a couple of points.  Mostly, they have to do with spending, so I guess, in actuality, I nailed it there as well because 90% of the speech was about...  SPENDING 

You may ask why I haven't posted sooner on Grumpy's site, but like we USED to say back in the BAD old Bush days, “Don’t ask, don’t tell”.  I’ve got my reasons, some better than others, but nonetheless they are my reasons, and I’m not talkin’ — Nana, nana, boo, boo!  Shoot, I've got my own website out there (somewhere) and I don't post on IT either.  These days time is at a Premium and I'm a 'Regular Unleaded' kind-of-guy.   

Well, getting back to the post - already in progress...

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve grown, and learned much over the past several years (please ignore the prior Nana, nana, boo, boo, comment -- I was only playing wit ‘cha…)

What have I learned?
  • Not all Marketing is Truth.
  • Not all Truth is Marketed (well).
  • Actions speak louder than words.
  • Words sometimes inspire actions, and, in some cases, inaction.
  • All bills must one day be paid.
  • Typically, ‘One Day’ comes on the day you least expect it (think 11/02/2010 here).
  • You always run out of Paper Towels, Paper Napkins, Tissues, and Toilet Paper in the same week.
  • The week you run out is always the week you have a stomach virus or awesomely nasty occurence of ‘Spastic Bowel’.
  • Sometimes you must look to the past to re-envision your future.
  • And lastly, in the words of Pumba, “It’s like my buddy Timon always says:  You’ve got to put your behind in your past.”

Yes, I / we have learned much.  I would venture to say that tonight that we will learn even MORE.  Yes, tonight the gifted orator and all-around ‘clean and articulate’ guy himself will proffer the State of the Union Address to Congress and the Nation.

But wait!  What’s this?  Is there something MORE we can learn?  Oh, yes, there’s more…

Tonight we will watch as Members of Congress play W-A-M (Whack-A-Mole) as the President speaks.  Dubbed ‘Date Night’ by some in the Media, Republicans and Democrats plan on sitting ‘together’ in an effort to create a harmonic wave which will transform America into the warm, caring place God (and Barack Obama) intends it to be.  The hope is that by reducing the amount of ‘visible’ contrast of opinion between the traditionally Democratic and Republican sides of the House that America will be…

A gentler, kinder place.  Or, in the words of George Herbert Walker Bush, “A kinder, gentler, nation.”

This photo is from last year’s State of the Union Address.  I’m sure there will be an equal number of ‘very serious’ photos taken this evening.  Clinton had that ‘lip bite’ of his, President Obama looks like he’s getting a flu shot with an old, rusty needle. 

Apparently, someone in Washington believes that if you minimize the ’appearance’ of policy disagreement with the President that somehow ‘lunatics with guns’ will…  Change their minds about going on a killing spree in Tucson, Atlanta, DC, or wherever lunatics go on killing sprees.

 The deranged will once again become magically ‘re-hinged’.

Yeah, okay.  Sure, mental illness is CURED by Republicans sitting with Democrats.  Yeah, GOT it.  (Personally speaking, sitting next to Barney Frank would make me NUTS, or at least, extremely nervous about sitting back down after standing to applaud -- draw any conclusions you like…)

A couple of things to get you ready for tonight’s speech:
1.  Let’s set the tone by singing a little “Kumbaya” with Sir Ivan (please do not watch the video segment as your head will most likely shoot off your shoulders into the ceiling fan -- listening is okay, but seriously, this dude is ‘out there’ with the video production.  Watch if you must, but you have been warned.)

2.  Okay, having set the tone by singing harmoniously together with Sir Ivan, let us now remove our shirts, stare into our navels and repeatedly murmur the word, “O-B-A-M-A” until multi-colored flashes appear in our retinas and we hear a chorus of angels singing to us (in Latin).

3.  Continue chanting your “O-B-A-M-A” mantra repeatedly until your wife storms into the room, asks you, “What the heck you’re doing half-naked sitting on the living floor with that Sir Iran video running on the PC?!?!  And WHO is Sir Ivan anyway?!?!?”, now put your hands over your ears and scream, “I’m at PEACE here woman!” as loudly as you can, straight into her reddening face.  Why?  Because SHE has disturbed your Harmony and now, you may NEVER get it back.

4.  That anger you feel is the same anger felt by Democrats across the nation who have lost their stranglehold on our (a.k.a.:  their) government.

So someone in Washington, DC decided that by ‘sitting together’ they could send a positive message to the Nation and…  the World?  Great, super, job well done!

Perhaps the folks in DC can get their arms around the following items in anticipation of tonight’s nationally-televised Infomercial for the benefit of the rhetorically-challenged and potentially criminally insane:

Looney Left’s Translation Guide For Tonight’s State of the Union:

Investment = Government Spending

Focusing ‘like a laser’ on job creation = Government Spending

Improving infrastructure = Government Spending

Deficit Reduction = Taxing people who still have jobs to pay for…  Government Spending

New Business Incentives = Government Spending

Cost-Cutting Efforts = Reducing benefits to seniors to pay for increased…  Government Spending

I haven’t seen, or read of the speech yet, but the common thread will be ‘Government Spending’ and why we need MORE of it.  You want to cut out the ‘angry rhetoric’ in DC?  Take away the microphone from the President, Harry Reid, and the deposed Matriarch of the House, Nancy (don’t call me ‘Bella’) Pelosi.

The President’s call for ‘Civility’ several days after the Tucson shootings lasted about as long as the life-span of a Mayfly (less than 24 hours).  His call for civility was the polar opposite of one of the President’s most memorable quotes upon his assuming the office.  That message?  “I won the election.”

His NEW message of Civility to Republicans, Independents, and a majority of the population is, “You won, now shut up, there can be no further disagreement with me, or my Party while I’m President.”  

President Obama, Buddy, Sparky, Pal-O-Mine, that’s not how it works in America.  In America we have something called the Bill of Rights which, if you’re not familiar with it, you might want to glance at from time to time.  It protects us from a lot of things -- including YOUR limiting our right to Free Speech and the right to Peaceably Assemble (as in, sitting where, and with whom we darn well please).

Please do not misunderstand me, shooting a gun at innocent people is NOT free speech -- it’s the work of a deranged mind.  But, having Democrats and Republicans sit together as a sign of ‘Unity’ to the Nation in an effort to prevent future lunatics from going on killing sprees?

Seriously, that’s just stupid.

And the Republicans who agreed to this ‘Moment of Zen’ swapping their seats for the speech?  Yeah, they need to have their IQ’s checked.  You know what?  While we’re at it, let’s take all the toilet paper, hand towels, and Kleenex out of the House rest rooms because all these guys and gals in Congress need to experience the ‘Spastic Bowel’ feeling the rest of us have experienced for the past two years.

They’re full of it -- but it always ends up going down…  Onto US.  I’m tired of it.

Quit the symbolism -- get on with the people’s work.  Just make sure you use some of that hand-sanitizer before you shake your constituent’s hand -- you with a spastic bowel, no toilet paper and all…

p.s.:  Yet to be determined is how many of the Justices of the Supreme Court show up for the speech.  Perhaps they are not interested in being criticized in front of the nation again for doing their job?  We’ll see.

But if you don’t see these folks there tonight, you know that there is no ‘Civility’ in Washington -- courtesy of the Man in Charge (yeah, the great Orator himself).