Thursday, April 14, 2011

TSA Travel Fashion Tips!!!

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls!  Do you know what time it is?!?!

That's right, it's time for some Fashion Tips to get you through the Summer Travel season!!!

(Come on, click the video, then read the rest of the post...  But I warn you, the song is infectious)

Hey folks, what are you doing this upcoming 4th of July weekend!?!? 

Well, I'm thinking that you might be traveling to visit family, or, perhaps, just to get away from it all in some far-away corner of the globe. 

If so - this post's for YOU!!!

A couple of safe-travel tips first:

FIRST:  If traveling with small children make sure that they are aware of the new safety guidelines which Janet (don't call me 'Napoleon') Napolitano has put in place for...  THEIR SAFETY!!! 

Be sure to pick up the following easy-to-understand TSA Travel tips for kids at your local TSA office.  You won't be able to find it though because it's a 'secret place'.

How do you know which of the TSA brochures is the right one for your pre-schooler?

Well, because it looks like THIS!
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Yes, it's the Homeland Security "My First Cavity Search!" booklet!  This helpful guide is designed to help your child understand why he or she is a threat to our national security.  "Bon voyage little terror suspect have a great vacation!"

That's right!  Your crumb-muncher will read (in advance!) about his first-ever cavity search! 

Imagine his (her) surprise when he finds out that you're NOT taking him to the Dentist to look for that 'Cavity'!  Yow-za!
SECOND:  Moms and Dads will want to be ready to travel as well!  So what do THEY need to do to prepare prior to flying the Friendly Skies???

Since the TSA has implemented these 'completely non-invasive' warrantless searches - you'll want to be prepared to get 'All nekked' in front of strangers!  Imagine the joy you'll have this holiday season as TSA agents view your 'bunny' and your wife's 'eggs' under the healthy, warming glow of...

Low-level RADIATION!!!

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You ask the man staring at the monitor, "Excuse me, Mr. TSA Guy, um, how do I look?  Everything OK under there?"

TSA Guy responds, "Yeah, yeah, you look like every other middle-aged naked man I've groped, um, I mean, seen today. 
Seriously, YOU are nothing special, but you should have seen the Venus Swimwear model who came through here for the 11:18 SouthWest flight to Philly! 

She gave me and my iPhone some n-i-c-e photos!  She's gonna be on my birthday party invitations this year photo-shopped in next to my Saint Bernard and my Mom; whom I happen to live with. 

Do you think that's odd?" he asks.

You, "Um, no.  Can I put my arms down and LEAVE now?"

TSA Guy says, "In a minute, but I think I saw something sticking out of your rump.  I'm going to have to get a closer look..."
[Sound of surgical gloves being snapped on]

THIRD:  So what can YOU do to avoid the hassle of TSA searches this summer?  Well, unless you're a member of Congress...  Not much. 

Although, as with most other random acts of stupidity foisted upon us by folks with IQ's not bright enough to fire up a 7watt light bulb, the EVIL FREE MARKET is coming to your aid. 

Yes, entrepreneurs from across the land are selling products designed to amuse, enrich, and possibly 'aggravate the heck' out of the poor schmoes having to adhere to the witless act of screening Irish Nuns and gurgling infants as potential Terrorist suspects. 

Check it out:  Yes, it's the 4th Amendment Line of Protest Clothing for guys, gals, and kids of all ages!!!  You're not sure what the 4th Amendment says?  No problem! 

The miscreants setting up these legislative infractions of your rights never read past the 1st Amendment -- they're very BUSY people!!! 

They can't be worried about reading about Continents, Commandments, OR Amendments!  There's much to be done, and sooooo little time in which to pass goofy legislation for... 

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Yes, the entire Fourth Amendment on your Chest!

If you're a William Jefferson Clinton Fan, you'll be happy to know that yes, the underoos come in BOXERS too!!!
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If you're the 'Graeco-Roman' type, how about a nice pair of metallic-lined fig leaves to cover your 'JUNK'?  Personally, I'm not a fan of these, I'm thinking that I may sweat a lot with all that metal covering my 'bits' and my underoos could 'rust'. 
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How about the"Read the 4th Amendment -- Perverts" edition of shorts?!?!  Tell them what you think as they're viewing your 'nether regions' without saying a word! 

Sure, you're gonna get a cavity search for this bit of humor, but if you read the above "My first cavity search" to your child, you're pretty much prepared for what comes next. 
You may want to pack your own personal 'lubricant' for this bit of 'Travel Excitement'!   

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While you're scoring BIG points with the TSA, why not have handy business cards printed up to give to the agent on duty as you approach the gate for your flight?  This way, when he or she violates your 4th Amendment Rights, you'll the decency to let THEM know 'up front' that they are violating the Constitution and your civil rights. 
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Fair warning though, this card will most likely cause you to miss your flight, your wife and children fly off to Mexico, she'll meet a fisherman named Manuel (who really IS a nice guy after all), and your 'cavities' will be searched 'repeatedly' as TSA Agents laugh at your naive arrogance thinking that YOU knew more about your rights than they did.

Silly you.

You should have either driven to Disney, or run for Congress if you didn't want THIS kind of treatment.  In the end, either option is as 'make-believe' as the other. 

Mickey Mouse isn't a real Mouse (sorry kids), and suprisingly, Charles Rangel-D, NY isn't a real Congressman (sorry Harlem) - he's a Space Alien (an 'illegal' Space Alien). 

Not much else can explain what this fleshy-headed-mutant does.

Oh, but you, you have safe travels wherever you go!  (FREE ADVICE:  You really should think about driving!  No, NOT kidding!!!)

Oops, Manuel just called, he's looking for your wife. 

Yup, you should have driven to Disney!!!

I guess there's always Amtrak? 

You should have listened to me...
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