Saturday, April 9, 2011

"Feeling Tired - Run Down? Try Booze!"

Maybe they just needed 'Boost'???
The title of today's post, "Feeling Tired, Run Down, Try Booze!" is quote from a couple of years ago.  It came out of my car radio as I was driving to an appointment.   Why was someone hawking 'booze' on the radio? More confusing even was the fact that the ad wasn't even endorsing a particular brand of alcoholic beverage – it was just pitching ‘Booze!’    

Okay, so 'Booze' was not what the radio advertisement was actually promoting, but it’s what I heard.  I had a sneaking suspicion that something was running amuck with Yours Truly's genetic wiring harness.  The advertisement, it turned out, was actually for a product called ‘Boost’, a nutritional supplement that according to their website (at provides:  
  • Vitamins and Minerals
  • Maintains Weight / Lose Weight
  • Nutritional Refreshment
  • Additional Protein
  • Weight Gain
  • Diabetic Needs
  • Fiber Source 
(Note to Self:  It must be a tremendous product if it provides you the ability to both ‘Lose Weight’ AND ‘Gain Weight’ depending on your particular NEED at the time.  I need to come out with my own product.  I’m thinking something for example, called ‘NEW Herbal Smig’.  It will be a supplement that if you drink it when you’re young, will make you taller (BIG).  Then when you’re older, it will make you shorter (SMALL). 

I’ll be wealthy beyond my wildest dreams!  (Because you DO get taller when you’re growing, AND shorter as you get older as your spinal column collapses upon itself, your shoulders hunch as life trys to beat you down, your property taxes go up, and, and, and, oh, never mind…)) 

What the Boost product doesn’t provide, however, is anything to counter-act the effects of Tinnitus – an insidious hearing loss that affects at least three people that I am personally aware of.  
  1. Me
  2. My Dad (well, I think it affects my Dad)
  3. William Shatner (now you know why ‘Bill’ shows up so many times in my blog posts.  We’re bonded at the ‘Auditory level’ of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.) 
Sure, there are most likely thousands (even TENS of thousands, I'm not big on scientific research...) of folks out there affected by it, but for purposes of this conversation, I only care about the above three because it’s my blog and I write about what I care about. 

So there – Na, Na, Na, Boo, Boo.  

Yeah, it’s not a great thing to have, but it does make life more interesting.  For example (or, ‘Por ejemplo’ for our Spanish speaking, hearing-impaired friends) consider the following things I heard, only later to find out what was actually said: 

WHAT I HEARD:        “I can’t come out now, I’m shaking.” 
WHAT WAS SAID:    “I can’t come out now, I’m changing.”
WHAT I HEARD:        “I’m going to park our car in the creek so my Mother can park sideways.” 
WHAT WAS SAID:    “I’m going to park our car in the street so my Mother can park in the driveway.”
WHAT I HEARD:        “I’m going to put the little dog in a wok.” 
WHAT WAS SAID:    “I’m going to take the little dog for a walk.”
WHAT I HEARD:        “Yes, you should buy a flat-panel LCD HD 1080i TV for the family room.  I don’t care how much it costs, just as long as you are happy my loving husband, father of my children, and lord of the manor.” 
WHAT WAS SAID:    “The old TV is fine, I’m used to the green ‘blob’ in the upper right hand corner of the screen.” 

Okay, being completely honest, sometimes I hear what I want to hear.  It’s shameful, it’s wrong (I also think it’s funny), but it’s the way that I’m ‘built’.  However, in my own defense, there are situations when I really can’t hear so well. 

Being in a crowded environment with a lot of ‘murmuring’ is never a good place to be for me.  The sounds rumble together into a gargantuan ‘white noise’ making it very difficult to carry on a normal conversation.  Okay, no MURMURING when I’m around – got it!?  Muttering is okay, just no MURMURING! 

People with voices of a certain pitch are REALLY HARD to hear, even if the background is relatively quiet.  These include many women’s voices, especially if the woman is NOT taking male hormone injections.  Women with deep, husky voices are fine, although they do tend to ‘scare’ me since they are usually more ‘manly’ than I am.  

When I was a kid, I thought being ‘hard of hearing’ meant that you couldn’t hear so well.  I ‘assumed’ that your ears got ‘gummed up’ or something.  I didn't know that sometimes you couldn't hear so well because you hear TOO MUCH.  No one warned me that you maybe you couldn’t hear so well because you have a constant high-pitched whine in your head that never stops, never lessens, and never goes away until the day that you die or you otherwise RIP YOUR OWN HEAD OFF YOUR BODY TO MAKE THE SOUND STOP BECAUSE IT ANNOYS YOU THAT MUCH. 

Oops, sorry.  That falls into the realm of 'TMI' (Too much information).

Anywho, the next time you’re speaking with someone and they ‘politely’ ask you to repeat yourself please feel free to either: 
  1. Look directly at them and repeat what you just said clearly.
  2. Ignore them and take the chance that they thought you said was, “I really wish you would kick me as hard as you can in my pants.”  Instead of what you really said, which was “I really wish you could pick me up some hard candy when you get a chance.”
  3. Stare back at them and say, “I’m sorry, what did you just say?”, because you too, have a hearing deficit. 
Hearing loss isn’t funny, but it’s not the end of the world either.  You adapt as best as you can to the ‘curves’ tossed at you by either fate or genetics.  All I’m asking is that if your hearing is 'average', don’t get crabby at folks who get that ‘deer in the headlights’ look when we miss part of what you said.  Just take a breath and repeat it until the message is received.  It takes only seconds, and it makes everyone feel better.  Why do you think I blog online vs. hosting a LIVE radio show?  Now that I think about it, I bet there would be a LOT of stories there…   

And who knows, maybe I could get a High Definition flat-panel 1080i LCD TV out of the deal?  At least, that's what I thought I heard...
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