Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Doctor Moo, MD

Allow me to add yet another title to my already impressive collection of 'Faux' accomplishments:  "MD" (a.k.a.: Moodical Professional).

Sure, why not?

You may ask, "Hey Mike, do you feel that you have the training, the expertise, the professional qualifications to be a "MD"?  Aren't you being a bit presumptuous?"

In a word, no.

I have just solved a major medical mystery (from last week) and it took ALMOST six whole minutes. 

I probably should provide some back story information here so you too can be impressed by my medical prowess. 

Hey look!  Here it comes now!

I came across an article on the Huffington Post entitled:  "Diet Soda Tied To Stroke Risk, Though Reasons Still Unclear ". 

In this article, you'll find the following: 
It's far from definitive proof, but new research raises concern about diet soda, finding higher risks for stroke and heart attack among people who drink it everyday versus those who drink no soda at all.
Daily diet soda drinkers (there were 116 in the study) had a 48 percent higher risk of stroke or heart attack than people who drank no soda of any kind (901 people, or 35 percent of total participants).

Ahem [sound of throat-clearing], here's a newsflash for the folks at the Huffington Post: 
People who are FAT are more likely to have a heart attack or stroke.  People who are more likely to have a heart attack or stroke more often than not, DRINK...  Diet Soda.

Allow me to say with certainty that if you drink Diet Soda, you are more likely to have a heart attack or stroke. 

Why?  Because if you are NOT a FATTY (like me) you would NOT be drinking Diet Soda. 

As everyone knows, Diet Soda, compared to 'Regular Soda' tastes NASTY. 

One of three conditions MUST exist if you are drinking Diet Soda:

1.  You are FAT, or,

2.  You are allergic (or diabetic) and can't drink good-tasting sugary drinks, or,

3.  You are out of 'Regular Soda' and find an un-opened can of Diet Dr Thunder in the back of your pantry next to a half-eaten bag of mildewed Carob Raisins from when your space cadet niece visited six years ago.  You reach into the pantry, grab, turn and toss the Diet Dr Thunder into the trash... 

Then, you eat the mildewed Carob Raisins. 

WHY?  Have you ever tasted Diet Dr Thunder from WalMart?  Well, if you're asking, you've obviously never opened up a can and tasted it before, have you?  HAVE YOU!!!???!!!  Oops sorry, didn't mean to shout. 

Yeah, the above are pretty much the ONLY reasons to be drinking Diet Soda when Regular (a.k.a.:  'Real') Soda exists anywhere else on the planet. 

But if we re-visit my Option 1 above with the premise of the Huffington Post article:  IF I'm drinking Diet Soda THEN I'm more likely to have a stroke AND If I'm FAT, I'm more likely to have a stroke.  How do I know this?

Simple, I AM A MOODICAL PROFESSIONAL!!!  Now stop asking so many questions!  You didn't e-mail the author responsible for the original 'Huffy' article did you?  You believed it because it was ONLINE and everything ONLINE on true isn't it? 
[Note to self:  Begin posting all random thoughts and synaptic firings online as if they were true...  Hmm, looking back, it appears that I'm already doing this - Great idea!!!]

Oh, so anyway: I Googled "What's the impact of weight on the risk of stroke", I came across the following article:  As Obesity Increases, So Does Stroke Risk

This is what the authors if THIS article have to say:
The more overweight you are, the more likely you are to have a stroke, a new study reports.

The study, which followed 13,549 middle-aged Americans for 19 years, looked at stroke risk associated with several measures of obesity, emphasizing body mass index (BMI), a ratio of weight and height, but also such measures as waist circumference.

"We found that the risk of stroke was increased with each measure of obesity," said Dr. Hiroshi Yatsuya, a visiting associate professor of public health at the University of Minnesota and lead author of a report published online Jan. 21 in Stroke.
First, I would like to personally thank Dr. Hiroshi Yatsuya for spearheading this excellent report regarding the impact of obesity and the higher risk of stoke in weak-willed Americans. 

Second, I respectfully request that Dr. Hiroshi Yatsuya ask 'his people' to shut down those wonderful 'All You Can Eat Chinese Buffet' restaurants across America.  It's the LEAST he can do to save me from...  Myself.

IF the Huffington Post was my ONLY source for news [yeah, like THAT's gonna happen], I'd be scared to death.  But now that I have this latest round of 'scientific' report regarding Diet Soda AND the AJC report on Fatties both fighting for real estate in my noggin? 

Well, quite frankly, I'm freakin' terrified.

Although, how seriously do you take a 'scientific article' which contains the following phrase?: 
No significant differences in risk were seen among people who drank a mix of diet and regular soda.

So, if you drink Diet AND Sugar Drinks you're OKAY? 

What the???

Bottom line is this:  Drink what you want, because within DAYS of both of the above very important articles being released, The Center for Science In the Public Interest (that DOES sound important!) issued a statement saying that the Caramel coloring used in 'dark brown' soft drinks...   Will give you cancer until you die

They've even petitioned the UNITED STATES DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH AND HUMAN SERVICES FOOD AND DRUG ADMINISTRATION to have the stuff banned everywhere it's used today. 

This, um, of course, means that it's pretty much used EVERYWHERE.  I hope you like a PALE yellow Coke Zero with your ice cream sundae.   

In the end, it always comes to the same - something WILL kill you.  Surprise!  Sooooo, it might as well be something you love (like 'Regular Soda') in an ice-cold mug with LOTS of ice and a maraschino cherry tumbling carelessly around the bottom of your glass, right? 

This cherry, of course, is chocked full of Red Dye 40 will ALSO kill you 'in color'

I'm also purposely NOT mentioning the eColi, microbial contaminants and antibiotics in the soda from the ice because, well, that would just be wrong.

You know what?  Maybe you'd better skip all this artificial stuff and get back to nature? 

How about a nice warm cup of tea and some organically-produced honey? 

Oh, what's that?  Your honey is the COLOR OF BLOOD!?!?!? 

Hmm, must be from New Jersey...  [Read more here]

I give up...

You folks are on your own. 

Good luck!

p.s.:  Did I mention that laptops give you testicular cancer if you keep them on your laps while spending an inordinate amount of time writing blogs about other stuff that will kill you?

It must be true because I just wrote it online.

I'd better wrap this thing up, you know, just in case...
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