Monday, April 11, 2011

A Clean : Is a Happy : (But could we please not talk about it ever again?)

Last week I was sitting in my car at about 11:30 in the evening waiting to pick up my son after work.  This by itself is pretty exciting since I now have TWO teenage sons with jobs; a feat I dreamed impossible just a year ago.  As I waited for my oldest to walk out into the parking lot I heard a commercial on the local AM Talk Radio station for something having to do with ‘colon cleansing’ and the incredible benefits associated with the process.  Being intrigued, I decided that I would delve into a subject that I was first introduced to with the first “Beverly Hills Cop” film (you remember it, it was the only funny ‘BevCop’ movie). 

It was in this educational film that I first heard the following dialogue between Rosewood and Taggart: 

Detective Rosewood: “Wow. You know, it says here that by the time the average American is fifty, he's got five pounds of undigested red meat in his bowels.”

Sergeant Taggart: “Why are you telling me this? What makes you think I have any interest in that at all?”

Detective Rosewood: “Well, you eat a lot of red meat.”     

According to the ad I was listening to, they said that the average fifty year-old guy could have between 15 and 20 pounds of ‘stuff’ lining the inside of his colon.  Luckily for me, I’m only 49 years old.  Speaking only for myself, I feel very comfortable telling you in all honesty that I only have 2.7 ounces of ‘stuff’ hiding up there right now (please don’t ask me how I know this). 

So what could I do, I was curious, I wanted to get this vitally important information to you as soon as I could.  I sprang into action and went to only to discover that when you search ‘Colon Cleansing’ you'll find 2,170,000 ‘hits’.  Between you and me, that’s a whole LOT of ‘hits’ (and I’m really hoping that you are not dyslexic).

So after reviewing roughly 1.7 million search results I gave up reading about and viewing videos of colon cleansing procedures.  Yes, you read it correctly, VIDEOs of colon cleansing.  Some folks will do almost anything to get their face (and other parts of their anatomy) on YouTube.  For me, however, after viewing approximately 658,006 colonic videos (so YOU wouldn’t have to), I will henceforth refer to the YouTube site in future posts as, ‘PoohTube’.  I do it ALL for you…

You’re probably asking, “So Mike, what’s the Bottom Line?  Is colon cleansing a good idea for me?” 

In a word, no.  (Actually it’s more like, NOOOOOOOO for the love of God, NOOOOOOOO!)

Here are just two of the claims made that I remember from the radio ad (there were more, but thankfully they have been purged from my mind in some weird autonomic brain self-defense 'scrub'):

Their Claim:  “You can lose between 15 and 25 pounds and that flabby belly!”
My Concern:  You mean ‘all at once’?  Wouldn’t that hurt?  Wouldn’t I have to buy all new clothing (No seriously; think about it…) 

Their Claim:   “You will purge impurities and parasites from your intestinal tract.”
My Concern:  They keep talking like that, I’m pretty sure I’m going to ‘purge’ regardless.  Impurities?  Aren't we talking about 'Pooh' (not the bear) in the first place?  Okay, I guess you could call it an 'impurity'.  But don't get me started on the whole 'parasites' thing.  You'll see in a later photo that some guy did the treatment and had something that looked like a English Racing bike tire tube come out of his 'bottom' (some times it's better to accept.  You don't really want to read all the way to the bottom of this post, do you?).   

Oh yeah, and check out the following excerpt from the DRNatura website: 

"How do you know when it's time to free your body of accumulated toxins, parasites and other waste materials? If you experience one or more of the following, then it's time to detoxify:"
(Again, this is REAL science) 
  • Frequent fatigue and low energy
  • Flatulence, gas & bloating
  • Excess weight
  • Impaired digestion
  • Irritability, mood swings
  • Bad breath & foul-smelling stools
  • Recurring headaches
  • ConstipationProtruding belly ("pooch")
  • Powerful food cravings
  • Skin problems
  • Metallic taste in mouth
Detoxify?  As far as I can tell, all of this stuff happened to ME after I was married for about ten years (you can call home and ask my wife).  Although she will exaggerate about a couple (all) of the items found in the above list and make me sound worse than I really am.  Although as I re-read the list, I'd probably have to agree with her...

[But how can you NOT trust someone named Dr Natura?  The name is so very, very, well, very Natural!] 

Appropriately, the Doctor pictured on the website home page is named, Dr. Johnstone (I guess Natura was her father’s name and now she's carrying on her family's (and everyone else's) 'business'?)  Well, these folks must be the experts – they have their own website and everything (along with 2.169 other million firms).

Dr Natura also had credibility with me because he, she, or whoever it is, came up with effective marketing phrases like:
  • Death Begins in the Colon  (MK's Note:  "Well if you gotta go, you gotta go!")
  • Are You Clean Inside?  (MK's Note:  "Nope, typically my colon is full of pooh, but thanks for asking!")
  • What Must You Know About Parasites  (MK's Note:  "How about me continuing to know NOTHING at all about parasites in my body?!"
  • Rectum?  Darn near killed 'im!  (MK's Note:  I stole that from John Van Pelt, but cool, huh?)
My favorite quote on the site is from Erin, who says, "All I can say is HOLY COW!"  I like her (it's a cow thing).  Look for her if you dare visit the Dr Natura site, she's cute and her colon is sparkling clean! 

Don't we all want to be around happy people with sparkling clean colons?!  (Okay, I threw 'Sparkling' in, but I think it's what they meant.)

Here's an anatomically-correct photo from the Dr Natura website of what you look like prior to treatment (maybe the guy on the left is Dr Natura?). 

Eww, I hate to think of all that stuff happening in my colon - it's so very 'medical'.  All those colors in an otherwise black and white world...:  
blog post photo

So to be fair, I called the folks at the Mayo Clinic to see what they had to say.  Unfortunately, Dr. Mayo was on hold when I called (they told me to “Hold the Mayo”) and I had to go online to find their site which seems 'appears' to ‘refute’ the claims of good old Dr Natura / Johnstone / et al. 

Here’s a link to Mayo's 'uneducated speculation' on the ‘colon cleansing’ thing à  Mayo Clinic  (Who'd name a hospital after a condiment?  What could THEY know about REAL science (remember the Dr Natura medical photo above - that's science!))

Then I found another site which claimed that ‘colon cleansing’ was just a ‘scam’.  Can you imagine such a thing?  You’ll be able to access this summary by clicking here à  Colon Cleansing  Heretics and rubes, they're just jealous of Dr Natura and his (or maybe her) 2.169 million friends!

As you might imagine, I was mortified to find out that someone out there was trying to take advantage of me, AND my unsuspecting colon.  So I say to you now as I did as I began this post, A Clean Colon is a Happy Colon ( A Clean : is a Happy :) )!  Right now, my colon is ecstatic knowing that it will never produce something that looks like the following tire tube from another man's 'nether region' (an actual reference picture on the Dr Natura website - science!):
 blog post photo
Yup, biggest, nastiest piece of stuff I had ever seen too.  Corey T., you took the words right out of my mouth.  So is that like the '12 pounder' or something close to it?  Something like that comes out of my body, I'm going to an excorcist or calling Ellen Ripley from those "Alien" movies.  She'd know what to do.

p.s.:  I decided to give Dr Natura's site one last look (I should have never done this).  I think my new friend John sums up the experience best when he says:

John"Just a quick note to let you know that 3 of us here at our office went on the Colonix program a couple weeks ago. I did not really believe anything that I read would come true as I have done other programs as well. I am a 58 year young male. Just this last week something came out of my body that was disgusting. I could not believe this stuff and these worms are inside of me. I almost got sick to see this. What a relief that I am getting rid of this problem."

Thank you John, I am now convinced that I need to get the 'worms' inside of me out too.  You've changed my life. 

Thank you, you sick, sick man...

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