Sunday, April 10, 2011

Bossie's Travel Advice!

We'd like to introduce a new feature of Mike's MoosRoom Blog:  Free Travel Advice! 

This is the place for answers to all of your travel questions.  For example, you might be wanting to go to, at random, pick a spot, ah, yes, let's randomly say that you want to tavel to Canada.  You would simply ask Bossie (think 'Julie the Cruise Director', but in this instance, it's Bossie, the 'Moos Director') for advice on your upcoming trip...

Question:  "Bossie, I want to go to Canada, what recommendations can you make for my trip?"

Bossie:  "If you want to go to Canada, you'll certainly want to go First Class.  This will involve a barrel, lots of water, a big drop, and a sudden 'stop' once you've gone over the falls on the American side.  If you survive and are washed up on the Canadian side of the falls, you'll promptly be whisked away by smiling Canadian Mounties who will break empty bottles of Molson Golden over your head after they give the beer to their horses.  Next you'll be forced to watch 'Strange Brew' repeatedly until your head caves in (this, based on personal experience, will not take long). 

In my opinion, wanting to go to Canada is like wanting to have novocaine-free dental work.  You may not be aware of this, but Canada is full of 'Canadians'.  Prior to setting your sights on visiting Canada I would strongly recommend that you first take a trip to Florida (it's just south of Canada and a little east of Mexico). 

You'll be able to find Florida by looking at any quality road atlas and searching for the 'Happiest Place on Earth' in the atlas directory.  For purposes of comparison here, think of Florida as 'Matter' and Canada as 'Anti-Matter'.  When combined, they form a solution of water and salt.  It smells bad, and you don't want to drink it. 

(Oops, that's what happens when you combine an equally strong acid with a base.  Sorry...)

Question:  "All right Bossie, what is the best methold of transportation when planning your New York State to Florida, the Happiest Place on Earth' trip?"

Bossie:  "When travelling great distances, as in this case, to Florida, I recommend travelling by AutoTrain.  You board the AutoTrain in Lorton, Virginia (which ALSO happens to be just south of Canada) and have your family AND your vehicle transported in decadent luxury in less than two days to the southern-most termination point of the route in Sanford, Florida. 

This is not Orlando, Florida, but it will get you pretty darn close to the 'Happiest Place on Earth' (the Orlando Hooters). 

No, just kidding, the 'Happiest Place on Earth' is a little place that I like to call, The Golden Corral.  (They let you eat like a COW there!  No 'cudding'!)   

Upon exiting the AutoTrain on Tuesday you'll want to kiss the ground because after almost two days of rocking, swaying, and pneumatic doors 'whooshing' all night, you will be pretty 'unsteady' on your feet (having not eaten anything or slept since Sunday afternoon in Virginia).  'Kissing the ground' is a great way to show your appreciation for the skilled AutoTrain crew (two guys named 'Dwight', and a woman with one leg shorter than the other named, 'Eileen'). 

This simple act also allows you to get acquainted with local Florida wildlife, in this case, poisonous stinging imported Brazilian 'Fire Ants'.  The ants happily swarm onto your face, sting you savagely, and you will be able to experience another of the 'Happiest Places on Earth', the 'Orlando General Hospital'!  Actually, you won't be able to SEE the hospital until after the swelling goes down and you're able to open your eyes again.  This will happen approximately three days after you complete a course of treatment including intensive intravenous steroids, pain killers, and really expensive 'fluids'). 

Ambulatory again, you'll be given a bill with more zeros on it than in the entire Dewey Decimal System of the United States' Library of Congress.  Smile, sign the discharge papers, and thank you pal 'Bossie' for advising you to get a complete set of falsified IDs and 'pretend' Health Plan cards prior to beginning your travel to Florida!"

Question:  "Bossie, when did you tell them about this?"

Bossie:  "Just now!"

Question:  "But shouldn't you have mentioned it before they traveled?"

Bossie:  "Shhhh, they're still reading, THEY aren't even on the train yet..."

Question:  "Oh, I see." 

Bossie:  "No, I'm pretty sure you don't, but let's mooove on regardless."

Question:  "So far our vacation to the 'Happiest Place on Earth' has already taken almost five days.  How long is the average vacation taken by Americans?"

Bossie:  "About seven days, except in Florida, where EVERY day is a vacation!"

Question:  "So how long does it take to get back to New York State by AutoTrain? 

Bossie:  "The AutoTrain only goes as far as Lorton, Virginia.  You weren't really paying attention, were you?  It's two days back to Virginia, and then you'll need to drive back to New York State.  Remember not to drive too far north otherwise you'll find yourself in Canada, which I believe I discussed earlier."

Question:  "Sorry, I guess I got a little creep'd out by the poisonous ants and the three days in the hospital.  So how long will I actually be in the 'Happiest Place on Earth'? 

Bossie:  "Including commute time from Sanford to Orlando and then back to Sanford?"

Question:  "Yes, I guess we'd have to include commuting time; wouldn't we?"

Bossie:  "About six hours."

Question:  "Commuting time?"

Bossie:  "No, about six hours at the 'Happiest Place on Earth.  This, however, doesn't include your time spent waiting on line for tickets, rides, bathroom breaks, or dining."

Question:  "That's it!?  Six hours?"

Bossie:  "Well, if you wanted more time on your vacation you should have cleared it with your boss.  And if you were SO concerned about travel time, why didn't you take a plane?"

Question:  "Didn't you tell me to take the AutoTrain?"

Bossie:  "Don't change the subject.  Besides, if you really couldn't get the extra time off from work, why didn't you stay closer to home?"

Question:  "Any suggestions?"

Bossie:  "I hear Canada is nice."

So, if you are planning a trip across this beautiful country of ours, be sure to drop a note to the 'MoosRoom blog, C/O:  Bossie.  If you would like to see other helpful travel tips, simply click the 'Recommend' button at the bottom of this post, and send your travel planning request to us (Bossie and I, me, whatever) here at the blog.  Seriously we'd love to hear from you.  You, and no udder...

However, if you did not enjoy the above post, please click the 'Recommend' button 'harder' than normal.  Our precision equipment can discern a positive vs. a negative 'Recommend' based on the amount of pressure applied to your mouse click. 

Trust me, I'm a COW.  Would I lie to you? 

Happy tails!  Oops, sorry, happy trails!
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