Tuesday, March 29, 2011

WARNING: Please Do Not Read This Post...

WARNING!  "This sign has sharp edges" (First Line)
"Also, the bridge is out ahead" (Second Line)
It's a Two-fer!
Hey Mike, what time is it!? 

a.)  Is it "Howdy Doody Time"?  NO! 

b.)  Is it time to write another blog about dogs who eat pooh?!  NO!  (Next week is better for me...)

c.)  Is it time for another 'Federal Stimulus Package'?  NO!  Although, any time at all is the perfect time for more government spending!  (Send money to me, to ME I tell you!) 

d.)  None of the above 


Okay, so what time is it then? 

It's time for us to turn one jaundiced eye toward... 

WARNING LABELS!  (You have, and 'will be', warned no more)

Yes, the following actually appeared in products marketed in the United States (for you dyslexics out there, that would be the 'Untied Setats').  These are warning labels were originally intended to save life and limb.  Why no one took the time to actually READ the labels AFTER writing them -- I have no idea. 

Take the trip with me now.  You'll see soon enough...

Okay kids, do NOT eat the iPod shuffle.  It will ruin your appetite, and your music will really 'stink' the next time you see it again...

"Please do not hold the wrong end of the chainsaw"  This is accompanied by a drawing which illustrates clearly what 'NOT to do'.  Shouldn't there be a big read circle with a line through it or something?  Okay, so which is it -- read the words, or follow the picture?


"Yes Tommy?"

"What happened to your hand?"

"Well son, your Mom bought me this really COOL chainsaw that runs about 72,000,000 RPM with a REALLY sharp chainsaw blade, and well, darn it, I picked it up by the WRONG end!  Imagine my surprise when I looked at the directions which 'seemed to imply by illustration' that I was supposed to pick up the 'spinning end'!  Turns out, I should have grabbed it by the 'handle'.  Who knew?"

"Daddy, how about your foot?"

"Oh, yeah, the 'lawnmower incident', yeah, we still have a case pending over THAT one."

"You're the best Dad!"

"You too Tommy.  Hey, would you mind passing me that 'arc welder' to me?

"Gee, sure Dad, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!"

"Don't worry Tommy boy, we have '911' on speed-dial.  We sure are un-lucky!  Um, do you know where the phone is, Sport?"

"Do NOT put any person in this washer" 

So, would pets and small children be okay?

"Please do not use this directory while operating a moving vehicle" 

Yes, you may get motion-sickness from reading and driving at the same time.  (Or, you could always plow into the back of that construction vehicle you didn't see because you were too busy looking up a number in the PHONE BOOK while you were driving because you're too stupid to live!)

Prescription for Parker (the family DOG) reads:  "May cause drowsiness.  Alcohol may intensify this effect.  Use care when operating a car or dangerous machinery." 

"You got that Parker, no drinking OR driving until AFTER the medicine is all gone!  You got that you old Rump Sniffer?!  Now get out there and mow the lawn..."

"Do not use for personal hygiene"

This is the actual product:

So what 'personal parts' do they think we'd be cleaning with this thing?  Oh, never mind...  I learned a long time ago not to ask questions that I really don't want answers to...

"If you do not understand, or cannot read, all directions, cautions and warnings, do not use this product."
Yup, that pretty much says it all...  (Company Motto:  A stupid consumer is OUR best customer!) 

"Warning:  Never use a lit match or open flame to check fuel level"

This warning found on a JetSki.  (Motto:  A stupid customer is an 'Exploding Customer')

"Never rock or tilt.  Machine can fall over and cause serious injury or death."

Yes, I guess you could call 'death' a serious injury.  AND you will NOT get a free Coke out of the vending machine if you're dead... 

I've tried this.  I am now dead.  Seriously...

"Warning:  Be careful of bad language in this mobile phone, because a partner's feeling is going to be bad.  Let's keep mobile manners."

Holy smokes, how did this one escape the blog post I did a couple of months ago entitled, While In Asia?  You can't tell me that some guy in Silicon Valley came up with this on his own.  This is NOT American...

I can't believe someone would say this about Barack Obama?!  I am so ashamed of these mean people!

Warning found on a Razor Scooter:  "Warning:  This product moves when used.  Exercise caution and common sense when riding"

Whoa, I feel better now!  Thanks for letting the kids know that the Razor Scooter can, in their own words, 'move'!  That's great information to have! 

(Company Motto:  We're too stupid to write a company motto; but we want you to be aware that things with wheels can 'move'...)

Unfortunately, I'm sure there are many more out there... 

If you find any similar to the above send them in, I'd be happy to steal it from you.  (My Motto:  Why do it yourself when you can have someone else do it for you?)

Good night Irene...
Post a Comment