Monday, March 21, 2011

The Manslator (What Men Really Mean - Regardless of What they Say)

According to the American Heritage Dictionary, ‘Translator” is defined as follows:

trans·la·tor (trāns'lā'tər, trānz'-, trāns-lā'tər, trānz-) n.

1. One that translates, especially:

a. One employed to render written works into another language.

b. A computer program or application that renders one language or data format into another.

2. An interpreter.

As a gift to roughly 51% of the population out there who happen to be 'Non-Male', I offer the following ‘Translator Guide to Understanding Men’, or, put more simply, “The Manslator”. This is an abbreviated guide to understanding what a man is really saying on those rare occasions when he speaks in complete sentences.

Pay close attention to the following phrases to discover what he means, regardless of what he says:

Phrase: “Of course I love you, how can you ask such a thing?”

Meaning: “Please leave me alone.”

Phrase: “Wow, your family is unbelievable!”

Meaning: “Please tell me that you were switched at birth with another newborn from ‘normal parents’.”

Phrase: “Oh, sure, no problem, I’ll do that next.”

Meaning: “Yeah, I’ll do it right after I do EVERYTHING around here that YOU don’t want to do.”

Phrase: “I am really tired.”

Meaning: “I am really tired.”

Phrase: “I’m sorry, what did you say?”

Meaning: “I’m sorry, I was really enjoying this TV show and ignoring you, but I’m sure that what you have to say is much more important than my being relaxed and happy.”

Phrase: “Did you just ask me to massage your FEET?”

Meaning: “I’m going to hurl. I didn’t do that when we were dating, I am not going to do it after 20 years of marriage. I’d rather stick pins in my eyes…”

Phrase: “No, that dress doesn’t make you look fat!”

Meaning: “No, your belly makes you look fat.”

Phrase: “I am really hungry.”

Meaning: “I am hungry enough to eat YOUR cooking.”

Phrase: “Actually, I’m not too hungry tonight, I’m trying to lose a few pounds.”

Meaning: “I stopped at Mickey D’s on the way home once you told me what you were cooking.”

Phrase: “What’s cooking, it smells excellent!”

Meaning: “Cool, I smell pizza!”

Phrase: “I had a really great idea today!”

Meaning: “I had a really expensive idea today!”

Phrase: “You’re right; I’ll never find another woman like you.”

Meaning: “Oh, thank God that there are no more ‘you’s’ out there.”

Phrase: “I’m not sure, but the TV screen has been looking a little ‘fuzzy’ lately.”

Meaning: “Best Buy has all flat screen TV’s on sale with 12 Months Same as Cash Financing; and surprisingly enough, I happen to have one of them in the car right now.”

Phrase: “Do we have any beer?”
Meaning: “We appear to be out of scotch.”

Phrase: “Honey, where’d you put the bottle opener?”

Meaning: “Why don’t you ever buy AMERICAN BEER?”

Phrase: “You spent HOW much on groceries?”

Meaning(s) Multiple:

“You need to stop buying meat.”

“For that much money, I hope you bought beer.”

“So, more hair dye and make-up for you, huh?"

Phrase: “Remember when you told me you’d love me no matter what…?”

Meaning: “Oh, yeah, I just bought a LEXUS!”

Phrase: “Wow, your Nutri-System program is really working for you!”

Meaning: “You look pretty much the same, but our checking account is much lighter than it was last week.”

Phrase: “You look as beautiful as on the day we were married.”

Meaning: “Can I go to Lowes?”

Phrase: “Where are the kids?”

Meaning: “You didn’t REALLY send them off to Boys Town, did you?”

Phrase: “If I told you that you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?”

Meaning: “Yeah, I’ve still got it.”

Phrase: “You always seem to know exactly what I’m thinking.”

Meaning: “Oh, God! Noooooooooo!”

Phrase: “If I’m such a bad driver, why don’t you ever drive?”

Meaning: “Dear God, please don’t let her drive, please don’t let her drive.”

Phrase: “I am NOT speeding – these people are just driving more slowly than I am.”

Meaning: “Yes, I am speeding, but I’m NOT getting a ticket like you did last year, now AM I?

Phrase: “You know, I’m so lucky to have you.”

Meaning: “You know, I’m so lucky to have you.”

Meanings may vary based on time of day, cycle of the moon, weather, and how the ‘man’s favorite sports team is currently ranked. The above definitions are only guidelines and should not be taken as 100% accurate throughout the course of your relationship.

You should also take into consideration any tell-tale facial expressions and whether or whether or not the man has been drinking prior to making the comment. If he has been drinking, then he’s probably happy and actually means what he says. Unless, of course the man has been drinking too much, in which case you would take the actual ‘Meaning’ quoted above and multiply it by a factor of three (3).

Good luck! I’ll be quizzing my wife for her version for the ‘Womanlator’ edition. If you never hear from me again, you’ll know that it didn’t go so well, or she has just found this particular blog entry.

Just in case, I wish you the best, be happy, and be nice to each other.

Now moooooove along, nothing more to see here...

And in case you're wondering, "You don't look like you've aged a day since we last saw each other..."

Meaning, I'm outta here.
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