Saturday, March 26, 2011

B-Advertising (as in "Badvertising")

Marketing makes the world go around.  Good marketing makes the world go around 'faster'.  I know this because I have spent most of my life (since college) 'selling stuff' for a living.

Want to understand the Sales Process? 

Watch and listen to any three year-old kid in a shopping cart at WalMart.  He / she has the basic skills required to sell...  And it comes naturally.  No formal training, or Martini lunch required. 

The child's 'selling secret'? 

It's as simple as 'ABC'

  'A'lways
  'B'e
  'C'losing

When a three year-old sees something they want, they 'vocalize' their need as, "Mommy, Daddy, I really need to have that toy!"  (or doll, or hamster, or BB gun, or whatever he happens to see RIGHT THIS VERY MOMENT, AND IT'S RIGHT OVER THERE, AND YOU SHOULD BUY IT FOR ME NOW!) 

In addition to the directness of the request, the child is also relentless, persistent, and single-minded - these are all excellent traits for anyone considering a career in 'Sales'. 

The child intuitively knows the message they want to convey to the parent and they repeat it over, and over, and over, and over, and...   

Well, you get the idea. 

It's too bad that most people lose their ability to 'sell' as they get older (as they get more 'civilized').  Once you're over the age of 144 months (a.k.a.:  '12' in people years), you just sound 'whiney' to the rest of us when you repeat yourself over, and over, and over, and...  

Allow me to submit examples which prove irrefuteably that kids are better at marketing than most adults (who get paid for this stuff) are.  The following ads were found in actual publications.   They were produced by paid 'Marketing Professionals' in the Advertising 'Biz'. 

They SHOULD have been written by three year-olds.  They would have been more effective, and possibly, better understood.

Travel with me now to the land where "Advertising goes to die..." 

Badvertising 101

Looking to have a nuisance animal removed? 

(Defined in this ad as a bat, a skunk, a racoon, or perhaps even a HUMAN child?)
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Okay, I'm pretty sure that someone is taking liberties with the whole 'Truth in Advertising' thing... 

This does not rule out the possibility that the 'Before' woman is a 'Witch' and IS the same woman in the 'After' photo. 

"Do that voodoo that you do..."
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(Check out the:  "Your results may vary" disclaimer.  Nice touch... Liars!)




I'm not sure that this is what they really meant to say...
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Bring your favorite Mexican?  What if you don't HAVE a Mexican?  What if you only have a Canadian?  



Nope, I'm not getting this next one at all... 

If you could help me out here, I'd really, really appreciate it.  Did the dentist wire her jaw shut so she could lose weight? 

Did the dentist charge so much for the veneers that she can no longer afford food and now her pants fit?  

I do not have a clue as to what they are trying to sell here...
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Okay, now this one I understand just fine... 

Each adult entree consists of 2 kids.  Do you get a starch and veggie with those two kids? 

How about a free baby for dessert - I couldn't eat another 'Whole Kid' - I'm stuffed! 

Too bad it's a Friday, I missed it (the '2 Kid Special' is only on Monday nights)
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I can't believe I saw the '2 Kids Free' ad above...  I wish there was a way that I could never see anything like that ever again...  Luckily, there is!  And it's 'Gentle' (as it removes your eyes)!
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I really can't add ANYTHING to the following - it just says it ALL.  I'll bet somebody got a bonus for coming up with this winning campaign...
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Someone might want to warn the young woman with memory loss that she's getting ready to ride her bike INTO THE OCEAN! 



"Honey, I was thinking that for Valentine's Day that I'd get you a crypt!" 

4:1 Odds that the guy would be dead before he hit floor after delivering this 'pre-needs planning' message to his loved one on Valentine's Day. 
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Oh Daddy, get away, get away!  Get away! 

(Nice 'Type-O' folks.  Next time, spend the $1.28 and get a 'Proof' first.  "Daddy, why does our Family Tree only have a trunk...?")
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"Learn as you learned the Spanish and I gave in English everything what you mean!" 

Yeah, English is 'Like a second language to me, too!'.  This guy graduated in 'Single 6 Months'... 

He probably should have stayed in for the full four year course...
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"Yes!  You can learn to play Harmonica by blowing jets of of air out from your tear ducts!" 

All rightey then...  Keep moo-ving, keep moo-ving...
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"Welcome to Colorado where men are men, and sheep ski fast!" 

Okay, did anyone READ the text before they paid for the ad?  I mean it's not b-a-a-a-a-a-a-d, but I might have chosen a different tag line (i.e.:  "Looking to enter the field of animal husbandry?!"
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Look at these remarkable non-PhotoShop'd images!  How did they get her to stand in the exact same position following her TUMMY TUCK BY BARSKY (and Hutch)? 
This is amazing!
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"Tummy Tuck by Barsky?"  It's more like, "Advertising copy and photo tampering while drinking on a Barstool."

Well, that's it.  I want to thank you for hanging in there while we both learned why some marketing people should not be allowed to reproduce.  Although, after seeing the ad for "Sheep fun," perhaps they won't be reproducing after all...

We can always hope...
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