Friday, May 22, 2009

Clink, Clank, Clunk...

This just in to the Moos Room: The House of Representatives is currently working on legislation that will allow YOU to get a cut of TARP dollars!

Sure, why not?

Q.: Do you own a vehicle?
Q.: Does it, um, run? (Although I don't honestly know if this is a requirement -- it's a government proposal after all and a vehicle which does not run, uses no gas! This, according to the Obama Administration is an EXCELLENT vehicle!)
Q.: Would YOU like to have a new car, truck, or van?
Q.: Can you make your children 'smaller' than they used to be? (Because you'll be 'right-sizing' them to fit into your new Honda Fit.)

Yes Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, the U.S. House of Representatives (Motto: "We represent YOU, so YOU don't have to think for yourself") has a DEAL for you! Your old vehicle may be worth CASH! Yes, you too can get your hands on a little 'TARP CASH' (makes sense, since, ah, it's your money already) but it's cold hard cash, all the same.

(Warning: You'll need to BUY a car, truck, or van to qualify for the big cash payout. You'll need to spend money to get money. Sounds like something my wife came up with...)

Plan on bringing about $25,000 - $35,000 to the dealership with you. Make yourself at home and feel free to take the flat screen LCD TV from the GM or Chrysler Dealership service area waiting area when leaving, since in reality, it belongs to you now. The dealership is okay with this, I just checked. Go ahead, go for it. (Bring screw-drivers)

One last 'GOTCHA': You'll 'probably' need to have a job to qualify for new vehicle financing. (Although, if you buy a house, this 'unfair lending requirement' for funding by Fannie and Freddie has been waived (but I think they may have fixed this -- I'll get back to you)). EMPLOYMENT TIP: I hear that the Federal government is hiring.

Those 'wacky folks' in the U.S. House are looking to pass legislation which will allow YOU to get really STUPID trade-in rebates if you purchase a more fuel-efficient vehicle than the one that you are currently driving.

How stupid (from a strictly monetary perspective)?

Well, let's look, shall we?

Purchase a vehicle with 2+ MPG than today's: $3,500
Purchase a vehicle with 4+ MPG than today's: $4,500

But don't worry, it's the GOVERNMENT'S MONEY, it's not like it's YOURS!

Won't you feel great when you find that your neighbor who's currently in bankruptcy (and living in her house for free) gets 20% to 25% off the price of her new vehicle (because she's living with her boyfriend who HAS a job but wasn't on the mortgage in the first place so he's living for free too), but you can't buy a new car because YOU are stupid enough to actually pay your bills every month?!Yeah, I think that's just swell too! (Why DID I stop drinking?)

Q.: But seriously, who in their right mind would want to support a Bill that gives MORE money (that hasn't been printed or funded yet) away, and WHY?

A.: Apparently the Bill has bi-Partisan (maybe 'bi-Polar'?) sponsors in the House AND President Obama thinks it's just GREAT! This will allow folks to buy more fuel-efficient vehicles, stimulate the economy, AND save us about 42 barrels of fossil fuels per year! (Representing approximately 2 T-Rex, 1 Terradactyl, and 3 Triceratops -- that's REAL savings!)

So if you hear about the 'Cash for Clunkers' program working it's way through Congress? Yeah, this is the one... Here's a tongue-in-cheek article written by a 'car guy' that you can read if you like. (Whoa, really long embedded link, eh?)

Remember: Knowledge is power. I can be used by you, or it can be used against you. (Except in Congress, where common-sense knowledge will be used in SPITE of you.)

And please, take this money from the Government and help us save the dinosaurs, before they're all gone...

Post a Comment