Wednesday, May 27, 2009

A Canadian With a Heart...

Remember all those wise cracks I made about Canada? All the comments about Canadians being rude, being bad tippers, and being really horrible drivers? Well, between you and me, they're still true. Buuuuuuut, if I'm ever anywhere near Canada's Governor General, Michaelle Jean, and you ask me about THOSE particular comments, you'll get nothing back from me but a quick punch to the throat.

I had never heard about this woman before, but she makes Wolverine from the X-Men Comics look downright 'kittenish'.

During a recent trip to the Artic, Michaelle Jean gutted a seal (presumably it was 'dead' at the time of the 'gutting' - at least I'm hoping it was), she sliced meat from the carcass, then she removed, and ate the seal's heart - raw.

After munching on the seal's heart, the Governor General of Canada told the Inuit people she was meeting with that the heart was "absolutely delicious" and that it "tasted like sushi".
(Personally, I was expecting that she would say it tasted like "chicken", but I guess this designation is reserved for roasted rattlesnake "bites" and frog "bits" (I DO miss Kermit - I can't believe that he's gone...)).

Although, now that I think about it, I have never EATEN sushi...

So what else might I be able to compare it to for lack of a 'sushi' comparison?
"Thanks for the seal heart, it tasted just like _________!"
(Choose 'taste option' from one of the following to fill in the blank above:)
a.) pancreas
b.) seal heart
c.) a really large fuzzy moth
d.) gym socks
e.) the inside of my dog's ear

Please don't ask me how I know what the above things taste like. Some secrets need to remain unspoken... Forever.

So, anyway, here's this nice lady from Canada ripping the heart out of a seal and it's all being covered by the Media for global reporting.
This is THAT seal:

No, I'm kidding. This is NOT (as far as I know) the actual seal which had its heart eaten out of its chest by Canada's Governor General. I know this because, media reporters covering the event were quoted as saying, "The actual seal whose heart was eaten by Michaelle was MUCH cuter than your run-of-the-mill baby seal whose had its heart eaten out of its chest. It was extraordinarily cute, in a heartless kind of way..."

Soooo, if you're ever out somewhere surrounded by a group of angry Canadian politicians, grab the closest baby seal you can find, throw it up into the air over their heads and shout "Eat its heart out you baby-seal-heart-eating-monsters!" Next, run away quickly and HOPE that they didn't take some kind of baby-seal-heart-speed-eating course over the Internet weeks earlier. If you cannot find a baby seal to secure your escape, look for an otter.

I'm thinking that an otter-heart might taste a lot like sushi also. Or, maybe it tastes more like 'prairie dog'? If I were Canadian, I'd probably know the answer to that last question.

Unfortunately (or perhaps, fortunately) for me, I have never eaten the heart of a seal, prairie dog, peek-a-poo, or porcupine. I just wish I could say the same about 'blue whale' heart. Now THAT tasted like sushi (which makes no sense at all because the blue whale is a mammal, right?) and I must admit, the heart was very filling. Yumm-O!

I don't know much about politics, but what I do know is that it is better to keep your mouth shut when surrounded by Canadian-Political-Seal-Heart-Eating-Types.

And if you ever see THESE TWO North American politicians together -- keep an armful of baby otters handy, just in case you have even the REMOTEST resemblance to a baby seal...

President Barack Obama Governor General Michaelle Jean

Regarding the 'eating the seal heart' story referenced above, it's true. You can access it by clicking the following link:
"Take another piece of my heart now baby..."

I'll bet you didn't catch this story on CNN last night, did you? And why not? Because at CNN they're... "Chicken!" (But they taste like 'Rattlesnake')

Anyway, I 'Otter' be going to work now. Before I'm late.
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