Friday, December 19, 2008

Okay, so we've been through Asia (While In Asia) together, we've been through bad advertising ('B-ad'vertising (When Classified Ads Go Bad)), we've been through bad signage (Sign, Sign, Everywhere a Sine), and today we're turning our bloodshot, jaundiced 'cow eyes' towards 'The Law'.

The following is sourced from actual police department 'incident' reports around the country. All of the following appeared in local newspapers (apparently without benefit of rational editorial thought).

Join me as I stare into the hard-nosed world of law enforcement. Don't blink. Don't be afraid. We'll be okay.
Hold my hand, check your weapon, and adjust your Kevlar shorts... We're going in.

Three questions on this:
First, was there actually a 'second' person in the room (or, just the person's reflection)?
Second, if you hit an intruder while they are 'in the mirror', does it 'hurt' the intruder?

Third, if you 'break a mirror' in self-defense are you exempt from the seven-years-bad-luck rule?
(In an un-related incident, a young girl was found dead yesterday on the floor of a shabby suburb apartment with an ax head embedded in her forehead. She was identified by the talking rabbit whom she accompanied as being from, "Through the looking glass". No further comments were available as the rabbit was pulled back through the shattered mirror by a odd little man in a large hat who kept shouting, "We're late, we're late!")

The mother of the burrito was unavailable for comment. All efforts to revive the burrito were unsuccessful. After a protracted period of mouth to mouth resucitation, the burrito (baby) disappeared, and the investigating officer was last seen reaching into his police cruiser for a bottle of Pepcid Complete...

Officers also discovered that the owner of "Help", the 'World's Stupidest Pet Owner', has named his dog, 'Fire'.

To make matters worse, he likes to take the dog to the movies on Friday nights and often let it loose in the auditorium after the theater lights dimmed.

"FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! Here boy!"

The dog tragically passed away when a neighbor heard the owner singing, "Come On Baby Light My Fire" while we was working in the yard. The neighbor did as requested.
"Fire", the dog, was six.

Okay, I know Arnold's NOT a great actor, but to call him 'cardboard'... That's a cheap shot.
As for me, I want to know what's up with that kitten's "rectum" on Shaw Drive at 3:18p.m. THAT does sound interesting...

Okay... Was the condom 'wrapped', or 'un-wrapped'? I say no more.
Also worrisome is the opening line which states, "A 21-year-old man reported a battery on East Green Street Friday night." Apparently, the battery, kept going, and going, and going...

Well at least he wasn't in a diaper and tennis shoes during RUSH HOUR on a week-day! That WOULD be inappropriate... Naked, drunken, traffic-directing Karate Masters should only exhibit their unique skills on the weekend.

And if I learned martial arts from a skilled, diaper-clad Karate MASTER while sitting in my car? Bonus!

A single word was found on the associated detailed police report. It was, "Aaaaaaflac!"
It was later reported that the duck was holding out for the new Obama health care plan to be instituted nationally prior to seeking medical care because the duck did not have adequate insurance coverage.

The next question WOULD have been, "Oh, sorry officer, was that a bad question? Might you know where can I find a REALLY GOOD attorney? Apparently I'm going to need one very soon."

Once again the criminal gene pool grows a little more 'shallow'. This guy won't be dating for a while... Well, not dating in the traditional sense.

The Edgewood man also reported that he became suspicious of his wife's absence when the dishes in the sink, "Got really, really piled up high. And they smelled bad too..."

His wife, found with another man in Orlando quipped, "I told him he'd miss me when I'm goin... But I did think he'd miss me SOONER."

The Internet is a lonely, dangerous place.
Although every now and then, you do get to meet new 'friends'...

"Fled undected from the area?"
Disguised as what? A Volkswagen Beetle?

Apparently the 'snow' ball was the only 'ball' present in the building at the time of the attack. (Think about it...)

The Swanson Chicken Pot Pie was being chased by a Hungry Man TV Dinner over a vicious 'Turf dispute' in the inner city...

I've had a Swanson Chicken Pot Pie in the past, and I do remember having the 'runs' after EATING it, but I've never seen one run on its own...

All right people, that's it for now. Nothing more to see here...
Moo-ve along, moo-ve along.
Remember, let's be careful out there...
If not, see you in the police reports!

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