Thursday, September 22, 2011

"Wooooo Wooooo, Close to You..."

I'm looking over my dead dog Rover,
That I over-ran with the mower.
One leg is missing the other is gone.
The third one is scattered all over the lawn.
No need explaining the one remaining
It's splattered on the kitchen door.
I'm looking over my dead dog Rover,
that I over-ran with the mower...

-- Gardiner's Island Boy Scout Camp-O-Ree, Summer 1974

I've been waiting YEARS to get one out of my system.  I feel sooo much better now. 

As the Republican Debate drones on in the distance, I wanted to share a story with you.  It is a story of Colonoscopies, Waiting Rooms, and oddly-placed Marketing Brochures. 

Okay, here we go...

I spent 'most' of Tuesday in the waiting room of an OutPatient Surgery facility in Syracuse, NY.  The good news is that the day's event was planned, no 'dark fluids' shot from any family members, no screams of pain were heard, and, best of all, we were able to leave by 4:00pm to arrive home just in time to be late for dinner. 

Having arrived at 11:00 for the 11:30 requested arrival time, we had time to wander about.  AND since the procedure wasn't scheduled to begin until 1:00pm, heck, I had time to 'amuse' my wife as she waited nervously in the chair by the window. 

All right, perhaps 'amuse' isn't the best word, let's just say that I tried to keep my wife's mind off the fact that she hadn't eaten in more than twenty-four hours, and she was getting 'a little bit cranky' waiting for the procedure to begin. 

On my second trip to the Men's room I found a brochure which featured (what I assumed) to be, 'Stuffies', my wife's term for cute, over-stuffed, huggable animals.  I handed the brochure to my wife, who took it with the normal, "What are you giving me now - can't you see I'm freaking?" look on her face. 

Okay, if I'm being honest, I really didn't LOOK at the brochure I was giving her, I merely wanted her to look at it so I could go the bathroom while she checked out the cute little critters I found on the brochure.  I figured it would take her mind off the impending procedure, and if I played my cards right, I could use the Johnny AND get back by the time she was done with the little fold-out marketing piece.

I really shouldn't have been in such a hurry to get to the Loo.

Here's the brochure cover I handed her:

Yes, you are reading the above correctly - the brochure is for "Cuddly, Customized Alternative to Pet Urns".

In case you're wondering about what the heck an Alternative to a Pet Urns is, here's a bit more of the Marketing 'Glossy' found in the Waiting Area of the Surgery Center...

Yes, "Premier Cuddly Pet Urns", Customized for you (or more specifically, for your pet)!  Gina will create a huggable 'Stuffie' for you into which you will place your pet's cremated remains. 

I wish I were making this up.

Imagine the joy you'll have holding the ashy, gritty, fur-covered remains of your pet python as you fall asleep on the couch each night!?!?

[I may never sleep again...]

Although, the Clown Fish from Finding Nemo IS kind of cute, while I can't imagine being so attached to a FISH that I would pay for it to be put into a cardboard box, cooked on HIGH, and then be interred forever into a stuffed animal. 

Oh yeah, and since when are $59 Clown Fish 'huggable'?  My Clown fish LOVEs his Bubble-Tip Anemone friend, should I have it cooked and stuffed into a larger, stuffed Anemone also - so they can ALWAYS be together?

Don't even get me started about Bossie and Buttercup...  I wouldn't be able to lift those dang stuffed cows when either of them obtain 'room temperature'.

While the idea of keeping my pet's ashes bundled within a replica (of the deceased pet) thrills me with an unmatched feeling of unbridled joy, nothing can compare to the pure bliss of introducing your NEW pet to your old pets, um, ashes. 

Let's just hope that Fluffy, the living dog, doesn't have a 'chewing fetish' on the huggable, plush urn of the deceased dog's remains.  Frankly speaking, Puppy (the dead dog) looks A LOT like a chewable dog toy... 

"Hey look, Puppy's over here!  Oh, he's over here too!  Oh my God, Puppy is everywhere!  Flufffffffyyyyyyy, I'm gonna kill you you little ankle-biter!!!" 

A word of advice for you...  If you find yourself in a same-day surgery center with a wife who's already nervous, you might NOT want to give her a brochure about huggable pet urns.  It kind of sends the wrong message. 

Nothing says 'Get Well Soon' like a brochure about cookin' up and stuffin' your pet into a replica of the very same pet. 

I'm not sure if Gina's Marketing Strategy will pay off or not, but what I DO know is, if anything ever happens to me, I don't want my wife cookin' me up and shoving me into something that looks like this...
Introducing 'RealDoll' the World's Finest Male Love Doll
First, I'm two inches taller than this guy (so my clothes would never fit him properly and I don't want my wife spending MY Insurance Money on 'doll clothes'),

Second, He's WAY too physically fit (for a pretend 'Me'),

Third, Although, hey, I'm digging my new 'Six Pack'!

Fourth, Scratch #3 above, I was only kidding...

Yeah, the whole idea of shoving 'Cooked Loved Ones' into replicas kind of creeps me out. 

Although, for ONLY $5,995, my wife could have the 'after-life physique' she always wanted!
The Female "RealDoll"

Nah, The dog would probably think she's a giant NylaBone chew on her and get the ashes, bits of bone and teeth all in the carpet!

My wife would HATE that...  She loves a clean house.

So anyway, the brochure above is real.  Gina exists, you can even visit her website by clicking here:  Beloved Pets By Gina 

And yes, I handed it to my wife thinking it was something about stuffed animals.

As for me, it'll be weeks until I'm able to sleep with the lights off again.

The dogs look nervous - cute little 'stuffies' that they are... 
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