Wangs. Those Dang Wangs.

First:  I'm sorry.

Second:  It isn't my fault.

Third:  It explains so, so, very much.

I came across an article on the Huffington Post late yesterday afternoon which, at great personal expense, I must share with you...  today.

True, the truth will hurt some of us.  But, in the end, the truth shall "Set us Free!" 

Free at last, free at last, dang you Colonel Sanders, I'm free at Last!

It is with great sadness that I share with you the answer to the question for which I have quested most of my adult life. 

It is not pretty. 

It is not fair. 

It is, as they say, "It is what it is..." 

And it explains sooooo much.

HUFFINGTON POST ONLINE, August 28, 2013:  PETA Calls To Ban Pregnant Women From Wing-Eating Contest, Cites Concerns Over Unborn's Penis Size

PETA has urged the National Buffalo Wing Festival to ban pregnant women from its upcoming wing-eating contest because of a study linking poultry consumption to smaller penises in the unborn.


"Pregnant women may want to think twice before chomping on those chicken wings, or their sons could come up short," PETA Associate Director of Campaigns Lindsay Rajt said in a release.

The festival runs Saturday and Sunday in downtown Buffalo, N.Y.

PETA pointed to the Study for Future Families, which determined that phthalates, chemical compounds that can be found in chicken, may diminish genital size. The study gauged the amount of phthalates in pregnant women and measured their male offspring's sex organs between 2 months old and 3 years old.


Yes.  It's true.  PETA Scientists (pictured below) have scientifically determined that Mothers eating 'mass quantities' of fried Chicken Wings while pregnant will essentially 'cap' the size of their unborn male child's 'Mr. Happy'. 

Yes, at long last, I have the undeniable scientific evidence which explains what happened to ME - pre-birth...  Thank you PETA!  Thank you HUFFINGTON POST! 

No.  Please, as for you people reading this, I do NOT want your sympathy.  All I request is your...  Understanding. 

Please understand that I do not expect large cash donations be sent  to: 

Moos' Undersized Winkie Foundation
Somewhere Beneath Court Street (Near the Empty Crack Vials)
Binghamton, NY  13903

You can also call in your PLEDGE to 1-555-LIL-GUYS (Please have your major credit card and your personal, confidential information handy to provide to Dimitris Pullyourlegus when you call.)  All contributions will be directed to professional scientific professionals who will 'focus like a laser' on rectifying this vitally important issue, just made public by PETA and the Huffington Post. 

As mentioned above, I am NOT asking for large donations for my newly established foundation.  Rather, I prefer SMALL CASH donations ($20 bills and under are preferable - no checks please) so they can fly beneath the radar of local IRS and NSA personnel.  (Oops, too late on the 'NSA thing'.) 

I will use whatever monies I receive to create a serious study of 'Wing-Induced-Short-Guy-Syndrome' and spend every waking hour of my day trying to determine if there is a CURE for this senseless tragedy brought about by women professionally eating... 

'Too many' Buffalo Chicken Wings in Wing Eating Contests across the Nation

As for myself, I leave you with somber and extremely personal news: 

My Mom, yes, my one-and-only Mom, was [sigh], "Mrs. Long Island's Chicken Wing Eating Champion 1958". 

I was born in 1959. 

This makes this fight personal to me.

Please help me help others living with the Stigma of WISGS (Wing-Induced-Short-Guy-Syndrome) by sending your CASH (small bills), and Credit Card Information now to the address above.  Dimitris Pullyourlegus and other assorted Homeless People / Vagrants are standing by to 'Take your money' now.

Thank you,

Your friend, and totally-committed WISGS Advocate,

Moos


p.s.:  Happy Birthday Mom! 

p.p.s.:  Please forward this post to as many Chicken-Wing-Eating-Contest-Participating child-bearing-aged women as possible in an attempt to 'Nip this situation in the bud'.  Your awareness is our only cure.

p.p.p.s.:  PETA targeting guys 'bits' to get people to stop eating ANY kind of meat?  Yeah, they've done it  all before (and rest assured, they'll do it again)...

Bon Appetite!

Not sure why, but I'm thinking Chili dogs for lunch from the BBQ today...

Turn Out the Lights, the Country's Over? Not So Fast

I found the following Electoral Map on the Huffington Post this evening. 

That's right, turn out the lights, the party's over... 

Yes, that's right - it's over.  The November Election is already being called for...  Who else?

Mmm, mmm, mmm, Barack Hussein Obama

The funny thing is that I don't even remember VOTING (five months in the future)...

Oh, sure, that's funny, but wait until you get a load of what's sitting on the same page as the graphic posted above. 

I'm going to copy and paste it 'intact' for your reading pleasure:

May 22, 2012, Huffington Post:

Obama Targeted By Protest Voters In Arkansas, Kentucky Primaries

WASHINGTON -- Some presidential primary voters in Kentucky and Arkansas are taking a swipe at President Barack Obama, denying the incumbent nearly 4 out of every 10 votes cast on the Democratic side.

In Kentucky's closed primary, about 42 percent of registered Democrats who voted selected "uncommitted."

In Arkansas' open primary, voters could select a ballot for either party. Early returns showed a Tennessee attorney, John Wolfe, drawing about 40 percent on the Democratic side.

The results in either state will not hamper Obama's effort to gain the party's nomination for a second term. Still, it's a bit embarrassing for the Democratic Party and highlights Obama's political weakness in Southern states.

Two weeks ago, a federal inmate in Texas earned 41 percent of the vote in West Virginia's Democratic primary. 


This is THAT man...

An incumbent President pitted against a convict, an attorney, or 'Anyone Other Than Obama' and getting 60% or LESS of the vote? 

How the heck do you explain that?


Enter - The Biden...

Joe Biden - A Single Heart Beat Away from...
Destiny!

“Look, I come from a household where whenever there’s a recession, somebody around my grandpop or my dad’s table lost their job – a brother, a sister, a friend, a neighbor,” Biden told Steubenville, Ohio-based WTOV-TV on Thursday when asked how he would explain the West Virginia vote.

“When you’re out of work, man, it’s a depression,” he continued. “And a lot of people are still hurt because of this God-awful recession we inherited, that cost 8.4 million jobs before we could really get going. And so, I don’t blame people. They’re frustrated. They’re angry.”


Yup, in 2012 people are frustrated and angry.

I wonder why that is Joe? 

Oh, that's right, it's because the of 'God-awful Recession' you inherited from Bush.

How could I forget? 

You guys tell us almost daily why it's not your fault -  so I wonder...


What are you and your boss doing to make it better? 

What has your administration done to make people less frustrated, less angry?


Let's review.

The Obama Administration has...

Declared war on the Catholic Church

Declared war on Wall Street

Instigated a war on women

Sided with Anarchists, Socialists, and OWS protesters as they destroy public (and private) property

Labeled veterans potential terrorists

Broadened racial divides for political purposes

Provided material support to radical Islamists in Egypt

Denied material support to protesters for change in Iran

Presided over the slowest 30 months of economic growth in US History

Swelled the ranks of the 'Disabled US Workers' by over five MILLION


Added an additional 50% to the National Debt in three years

Reduced the percentage of US Workers engaged in the work force to the lowest levels in US History


Joe 'Plugs' Biden, you want to know why Americans are frustrated, angry and divided? 

A couple of weeks ago I wrote a post about using a Magic 8 Ball to predict the future. 

YOU, Joe, don't need a Magic 8 Ball.

You just need a freaking mirror.

Doctor Moo, MD

Allow me to add yet another title to my already impressive collection of 'Faux' accomplishments:  "MD" (a.k.a.: Moodical Professional).

Sure, why not?

You may ask, "Hey Mike, do you feel that you have the training, the expertise, the professional qualifications to be a "MD"?  Aren't you being a bit presumptuous?"

In a word, no.

I have just solved a major medical mystery (from last week) and it took ALMOST six whole minutes. 

I probably should provide some back story information here so you too can be impressed by my medical prowess. 

Hey look!  Here it comes now!

I came across an article on the Huffington Post entitled:  "Diet Soda Tied To Stroke Risk, Though Reasons Still Unclear ". 

In this article, you'll find the following: 
It's far from definitive proof, but new research raises concern about diet soda, finding higher risks for stroke and heart attack among people who drink it everyday versus those who drink no soda at all.
...
Daily diet soda drinkers (there were 116 in the study) had a 48 percent higher risk of stroke or heart attack than people who drank no soda of any kind (901 people, or 35 percent of total participants).

Ahem [sound of throat-clearing], here's a newsflash for the folks at the Huffington Post: 
People who are FAT are more likely to have a heart attack or stroke.  People who are more likely to have a heart attack or stroke more often than not, DRINK...  Diet Soda.

Allow me to say with certainty that if you drink Diet Soda, you are more likely to have a heart attack or stroke. 

Why?  Because if you are NOT a FATTY (like me) you would NOT be drinking Diet Soda. 

As everyone knows, Diet Soda, compared to 'Regular Soda' tastes NASTY. 

One of three conditions MUST exist if you are drinking Diet Soda:

1.  You are FAT, or,

2.  You are allergic (or diabetic) and can't drink good-tasting sugary drinks, or,

3.  You are out of 'Regular Soda' and find an un-opened can of Diet Dr Thunder in the back of your pantry next to a half-eaten bag of mildewed Carob Raisins from when your space cadet niece visited six years ago.  You reach into the pantry, grab, turn and toss the Diet Dr Thunder into the trash... 

Then, you eat the mildewed Carob Raisins. 

WHY?  Have you ever tasted Diet Dr Thunder from WalMart?  Well, if you're asking, you've obviously never opened up a can and tasted it before, have you?  HAVE YOU!!!???!!!  Oops sorry, didn't mean to shout. 

Yeah, the above are pretty much the ONLY reasons to be drinking Diet Soda when Regular (a.k.a.:  'Real') Soda exists anywhere else on the planet. 

But if we re-visit my Option 1 above with the premise of the Huffington Post article:  IF I'm drinking Diet Soda THEN I'm more likely to have a stroke AND If I'm FAT, I'm more likely to have a stroke.  How do I know this?

Simple, I AM A MOODICAL PROFESSIONAL!!!  Now stop asking so many questions!  You didn't e-mail the author responsible for the original 'Huffy' article did you?  You believed it because it was ONLINE and everything ONLINE on true isn't it? 
[Note to self:  Begin posting all random thoughts and synaptic firings online as if they were true...  Hmm, looking back, it appears that I'm already doing this - Great idea!!!]

Oh, so anyway: I Googled "What's the impact of weight on the risk of stroke", I came across the following article:  As Obesity Increases, So Does Stroke Risk

This is what the authors if THIS article have to say:

The more overweight you are, the more likely you are to have a stroke, a new study reports.

The study, which followed 13,549 middle-aged Americans for 19 years, looked at stroke risk associated with several measures of obesity, emphasizing body mass index (BMI), a ratio of weight and height, but also such measures as waist circumference.

"We found that the risk of stroke was increased with each measure of obesity," said Dr. Hiroshi Yatsuya, a visiting associate professor of public health at the University of Minnesota and lead author of a report published online Jan. 21 in Stroke.

  
First, I would like to personally thank Dr. Hiroshi Yatsuya for spearheading this excellent report regarding the impact of obesity and the higher risk of stoke in weak-willed Americans. 

Second, I respectfully request that Dr. Hiroshi Yatsuya ask 'his people' to shut down those wonderful 'All You Can Eat Chinese Buffet' restaurants across America.  It's the LEAST he can do to save me from...  Myself.

IF the Huffington Post was my ONLY source for news [yeah, like THAT's gonna happen], I'd be scared to death.  But now that I have this latest round of 'scientific' report regarding Diet Soda AND the AJC report on Fatties both fighting for real estate in my noggin? 

Well, quite frankly, I'm freakin' terrified.

Although, how seriously do you take a 'scientific article' which contains the following phrase?: 
No significant differences in risk were seen among people who drank a mix of diet and regular soda.

So, if you drink Diet AND Sugar Drinks you're OKAY? 

What the???

Bottom line is this:  Drink what you want, because within DAYS of both of the above very important articles being released, The Center for Science In the Public Interest (that DOES sound important!) issued a statement saying that the Caramel coloring used in 'dark brown' soft drinks...   Will give you cancer until you die

They've even petitioned the UNITED STATES DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH AND HUMAN SERVICES FOOD AND DRUG ADMINISTRATION to have the stuff banned everywhere it's used today. 

This, um, of course, means that it's pretty much used EVERYWHERE.  I hope you like a PALE yellow Coke Zero with your ice cream sundae.   

In the end, it always comes to the same - something WILL kill you.  Surprise!  Sooooo, it might as well be something you love (like 'Regular Soda') in an ice-cold mug with LOTS of ice and a maraschino cherry tumbling carelessly around the bottom of your glass, right? 

This cherry, of course, is chocked full of Red Dye 40 will ALSO kill you 'in color'. 

I'm also purposely NOT mentioning the eColi, microbial contaminants and antibiotics in the soda from the ice because, well, that would just be wrong.

You know what?  Maybe you'd better skip all this artificial stuff and get back to nature? 

How about a nice warm cup of tea and some organically-produced honey? 

Oh, what's that?  Your honey is the COLOR OF BLOOD!?!?!? 

Hmm, must be from New Jersey...  [Read more here]

I give up...

You folks are on your own. 

Good luck!

p.s.:  Did I mention that laptops give you testicular cancer if you keep them on your laps while spending an inordinate amount of time writing blogs about other stuff that will kill you?

It must be true because I just wrote it online.

I'd better wrap this thing up, you know, just in case...