I’m sorry (no, really, I am)...
I made the mistake of picking up my dentist’s June, 2004 edition of Self magazine. The magazine included an article entitled: “Jessica Simpson’s No-Gym, No-Diet, Stay-Slim Secrets!”
Okay, sure, I was curious. If I could lose a couple of pounds without a diet, without a gym, and learn Jessica’s ‘secrets’ -- I figured I’d give it a shot. So while other un-lucky patients in adjacent rooms were being scaled, cleaned, and filled – I learned the secrets of weight loss!
I'm ready to share with you everything I learned from this detailed plan!
Okay -- here we go!
Tipping the scale at a heart-stopping 110 pounds (my left and right legs combined weigh this much), the record company wanted Jessica to lose weight for an upcoming video shoot. By following a rigid Atkins’ diet regimen her weight ‘plummeted’ to 102 pounds, an astounding eight-pound weight loss! Jessica complained that she was bloated, constipated, and ‘uncomfortable’ with the diet (personally, I’m 'uncomfortable' with her talking about her constipation).
She valiantly maintained her 102 pound-weight for, as she says, “for about a week”. After shooting completed, Jessica binged on carbs and her weight rocketed up to about 128 pounds.
But wait, did you miss how Jessica “got her weight under control” too?
Maybe if I kept reading, I would find the answer…..
According to the article, “She sought the advice of a personal nutritionist who got her running and taught her how to eat in moderation.” As Jessica says, “I learned you can eat bread, but if you have it in the morning, don’t have it with dinner. Or have it, but just half, and don’t soak it in Alfredo sauce.”
So, cutting through approximately twelve paragraphs of Jessica’s self-indulgence – the ‘Diet Secrets’ can be found here:
- A Personal Nutritionist
- Moderate Exercise
- Sensible Diet
Who would have thought that it would be THIS complicated?!?!
I’m no psychic, but I'm smelling ‘Book Deal’ for our country girl! Wow, diet and exercise used together to control your weight – who’d have thought?
No great magic here, no real weight-loss secrets to be found anywhere in Jessica’s story - just, apparently sensible diet, aerobic activity, her age, and perhaps her family's genetics at work.
The most frustrating part of the experience for me: I found out there was NO magic weight loss bullet, even with the claim made on the cover of the magazine. And here I sat with my hopes up...
Way to go Jessica! Congratulations, you’re like 30 years old. Let’s see how those pounds fall off when you’re 40, 50, or, gasp, 55! I’m sure we’ll still be watching.
And if you're ever looking for me Blondie, I’ll be the guy in the recliner holding the TV remote (with two of my three chins resting on my chest).