Thursday, February 5, 2009

In Bed

Okay, sometimes humor finds you, and sometimes you find humor where you least expect it. Years ago I was sitting in a Chinese restaurant and a young couple at the table next to me was laughing hysterically. Since I'm always up for a 'Yuk' (when I'm around my wife and kids, they say 'Yuck' a lot - although, now that I think about it, it may not be exactly the same thing), I asked them, "Excuse me, but I can't help but notice that you are on the verge of 'making water' in your pants. Okay, so what's so funny?" They told me that the fortunes from their Fortune Cookies were the cause of their side-splitting laughter.

"Are you serious? So is Steve Martin started writing one-liner 'fortunes' for Fortune Cookie companies?" I asked.

"No, no, it's not that." the man sitting at the table answered as he continued to sputter with laughter.

"Were you drinking a lot before I got here?" I asked, trying to shed some light on the true source of their giddyness.

"No, we're going back to work, but it's the... the, 'in bed' rule.", the woman said as she wiped her watery eyes with an already damp red paper napkin.

Oh, oh, maybe I should have kept my question to myself? I thought that this was going somewhere that I didn't need it to, or want, it to go. They recognized my 'discomfort' because the woman quickly followed up with a question of her own, "Do you know about the 'in bed' rule?"

"Ah, all I know is that my wife says that I cannot eat in bed, and that whoever is the last one OUT of bed 'makes' the bed...", hoping this truthful response would keep the conversation from going to a 'weird' place.

"A good couple of rules, but not the 'in bed' rule...", replied the guy as he looked back across the table to the woman.

Now it was the woman's turn once again, "The 'in bed' rule says that whenever you read the 'fortune' from a fortune cookie, you need to add 'in bed' to the end of it... Whatever your fortune is, it will be funny, or at least more interesting, when you add, 'in bed' to the end of it."

"So this is why you guys are laughing your rumps off over here?", I asked.

"You've got it!", the man said, chiming back in to the conversation.

"Does it always work?", I asked.

"Yes, here's my fortune...", the woman reached back to the table and picked up her twisted slip of paper and began to read aloud: "This suspense is exciting, I hope it will last." She then added, "In bed".

"Okay, but it couldn't always work, could it?", I wasn't really convinced yet...

The man picked up his fortune and read it aloud (probably louder than he needed to considering it was an otherwise quiet restaurant), "Efforts and courage are not enough without purpose and direction - in bed."

"Whoa, that is kind of funny in a weird, Sixth Grade Elementary School kind of way... But I'm a 'Sixth Grade humor' kind of guy", I said. Now I wanted to open MY fortune cookie, before my second trip to the buffett bar. Somehow, the fortune I received was strangely appropriate: "Ideas not coupled with action will never become bigger than the brain cells they occupy. Yeah, 'in bed'", I added, as I read my fortune aloud to the table with the couple sitting across from me.

"Yup, works every time..." the man said as he picked up his check and stood to leave.

The couple paid their bill and walked out of the restaurant, laughing as they went. I never learned their names, but I never forgot the 'in bed' rule. I share it with you in the hope that you will enjoy all of your Chinese meals whether they be, 'take-out', 'buffett', or, 'in bed'.

Just to get you started, I went to a website that has listings of fortune cookie sayings (to save you MONEY and your very LIFE! You know, with the Economy, gas prices, global warming, Africanized Honey bees and all...).

Here are the first twenty that I came across (you be the judge as to if 'the rule' works or not):

There is a true and sincere friendship between you and your friends - in bed.

You find beauty in ordinary things, do not lose this ability - in bed.

Ideas are like children; there are none so wonderful as your own - in bed.

It takes more than good memory to have good memories - in bed.

A thrilling time is in your immediate future - in bed.

Your blessing is no more than being safe and sound for the whole lifetime - in bed.

Plan for many pleasures ahead - in bed.

The joyfulness of a man prolongeth his days - in bed.

Your everlasting patience will be rewarded sooner or later - in bed.

Make two grins grow where there was only a grouch before - in bed.

Something you lost will soon turn up - in bed.

Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout - in bed.

Excitement and intrigue follow you closely wherever you go - in bed!

A pleasant surprise is in store for you - in bed.

May life throw you a pleasant curve - in bed.

As the purse is emptied the heart is filled - in bed.

Be mischievous and you will not be lonesome - in bed.

Your flair for the creative takes an important place in your life - in bed.

Your artistic talents win the approval and applause of others - in bed.

Pray for what you want, but work for the things you need - in bed.

Simba, the circle is complete, the grass feeds the antelope, the lions eat the antelope, the antelope dies to feed the grass, then... Oh, sorry, that's from 'The Lion King'. Well, in any event, this circle IS complete. It was shared with me, and I share it with you now. First the 'I Have a Cow (The Game)' for traveling fun, and now, the 'In bed' thing for dining in 'fine' Chinese restaurants. Try not to have green tea shoot out your nose... in bed. Oops.

Well, anyway, I'm sure some of you may have already have heard of the 'in bed' rule, but for those of you that have not, I offer it to you here 'free' as a passing of the 'in bed' torch. It's sort of like the olympic torch 'pass', but on a 'Sixth Grade' level. If you have any other Sixth Grade humor that you'd like to share, send it on over. For me, at least, Seventh Grade is always another year away...

See ya' in class!
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