Second: It isn't my fault.
Third: It explains so, so, very much.
I came across an article on the Huffington Post late yesterday afternoon which, at great personal expense, I must share with you... today.
True, the truth will hurt some of us. But, in the end, the truth shall "Set us Free!"
Free at last, free at last, dang you Colonel Sanders, I'm free at Last!
It is with great sadness that I share with you the answer to the question for which I have quested most of my adult life.
It is not pretty.
It is not fair.
It is, as they say, "It is what it is..."
And it explains sooooo much.
HUFFINGTON POST ONLINE, August 28, 2013: PETA Calls To Ban Pregnant Women From Wing-Eating Contest, Cites Concerns Over Unborn's Penis Size
PETA has urged the National Buffalo Wing Festival to ban pregnant women from its upcoming wing-eating contest because of a study linking poultry consumption to smaller penises in the unborn.
"Pregnant women may want to think twice before chomping on those chicken wings, or their sons could come up short," PETA Associate Director of Campaigns Lindsay Rajt said in a release.
The festival runs Saturday and Sunday in downtown Buffalo, N.Y.
PETA pointed to the Study for Future Families, which determined that phthalates, chemical compounds that can be found in chicken, may diminish genital size. The study gauged the amount of phthalates in pregnant women and measured their male offspring's sex organs between 2 months old and 3 years old.
Yes. It's true. PETA Scientists (pictured below) have scientifically determined that Mothers eating 'mass quantities' of fried Chicken Wings while pregnant will essentially 'cap' the size of their unborn male child's 'Mr. Happy'.
Yes, at long last, I have the undeniable scientific evidence which explains what happened to ME - pre-birth... Thank you PETA! Thank you HUFFINGTON POST!
No. Please, as for you people reading this, I do NOT want your sympathy. All I request is your... Understanding.
Please understand that I do not expect large cash donations be sent to:
Moos' Undersized Winkie Foundation
Somewhere Beneath Court Street (Near the Empty Crack Vials)
Binghamton, NY 13903
You can also call in your PLEDGE to 1-555-LIL-GUYS (Please have your major credit card and your personal, confidential information handy to provide to Dimitris Pullyourlegus when you call.) All contributions will be directed to professional scientific professionals who will 'focus like a laser' on rectifying this vitally important issue, just made public by PETA and the Huffington Post.
As mentioned above, I am NOT asking for large donations for my newly established foundation. Rather, I prefer SMALL CASH donations ($20 bills and under are preferable - no checks please) so they can fly beneath the radar of local IRS and NSA personnel. (Oops, too late on the 'NSA thing'.)
I will use whatever monies I receive to create a serious study of 'Wing-Induced-Short-Guy-Syndrome' and spend every waking hour of my day trying to determine if there is a CURE for this senseless tragedy brought about by women professionally eating...
'Too many' Buffalo Chicken Wings in Wing Eating Contests across the Nation
As for myself, I leave you with somber and extremely personal news:
My Mom, yes, my one-and-only Mom, was [sigh], "Mrs. Long Island's Chicken Wing Eating Champion 1958".
I was born in 1959.
This makes this fight personal to me.
Your friend, and totally-committed WISGS Advocate,
p.s.: Happy Birthday Mom!
p.p.s.: Please forward this post to as many Chicken-Wing-Eating-Contest-Participating child-bearing-aged women as possible in an attempt to 'Nip this situation in the bud'. Your awareness is our only cure.
p.p.p.s.: PETA targeting guys 'bits' to get people to stop eating ANY kind of meat? Yeah, they've done it all before (and rest assured, they'll do it again)...
Not sure why, but I'm thinking Chili dogs for lunch from the BBQ today...