I take no pleasure in reporting that an American Icon has been accused of attempting to KILL a Member of Congress.
Reports arose earlier today that a well-known Comic Strip character has attempted to inflict life-threatening and 'permanent' damage to...
Dennis Kucinich -D, OH
The above photo was taken following the attack on Mr. Kucinich by 'Olive', a well-known Right-Wing Extremist recognized internationally for hanging out with men (both of whom are known to be... 'Sailors'.)
Here she is shown in a recent mugshoot image following an incident involving two men, a baby, and a can of Spinach. (Say it with me now... Ewwwwww!)
There are no more recent photos of Ms. Oyl as she has been hiding in a seaside bunker in her hometown of Sweethaven Village, Maine with her illegitimate Love-Child, Sweet Pea and some illegal alien named, "Eugene".
If you see this woman, do not approach her on your own - she is known to be armed (she has TWO of these) and dangerous...
Once again, calls by President Obama for civility seem to fallen upon deaf ears.
Oh, oh! I'm sorry. I appear to have only gotten half of the story posted correctly. I'm being told by the guys in the MoosRoom that Dennis Kucinich-D, OH was NOT assaulted by a female cartoon character.
He was in fact, assaulted by...
An OLIVE, just not an... OLIVE OYL
Yes, according to updated reports I'm just receiving, Dennis Kucinich was EATING A SANDWICH WRAP several years ago when he was suddenly, unexpectedly, and unmercilessly attacked by - a small fleshy fruit.
Apparently someone in the Congressional Cafeteria failed to check Mr. Kucinich's 'small fleshy fruit' to make sure that its PIT was removed. Certainly Mr. Kucinich cannot be expected to take HUMAN BITES (like the rest of us) and carefully CHEW his food.
He's in Congress.
Someone really should chew his food FOR HIM. (I've already done this for Hillary Clinton - don't ask, I won't tell. She didn't know that I did it while she was a Senator in New York either -- Shhhhhh, say no more.)
How cool is THAT??? [Snicker]
So BECAUSE Mr. Kucinich was attacked by an 'olive' he is suing the Congressional Cafeteria for $150,000 for "Permanent dental injuries and oral injuries requiring multiple surgeries and dental procedures" (Go ahead, follow the link - THIS I'm not making this up).
WHY is he suing? Quick somebody get me an Attorney! Great, here's one now:
The suit says the wrap "contained dangerous substances, namely an olive pit" that a consumer would not reasonably expect to find in the product served.
Yes, who in their RIGHT MIND would expect to find 'Olive Bits' in a sandwich advertised as including on its list of ingredients... 'Olive Bits'?
WAIT JUST ONE BICUSPIDIAL MOMENT HERE BUCKEROOS!!! But, um, like, don't we FUND the Congressional Cafeteria? He's suing US because he eats (pardon the expression) like a COW???
Dude, chew your dang food or eat on YOUR OWN dime somewhere else!
I'm not suing YOU because you're a NUT.
Feel free NOT to see ME because your Mama never taught you how to chew a'Wrap' properly.
(Just wait for the ban on 'Wrap Music', yeah, I called it - right here, right now...)
BONUS FACTS ABOUT MR. KUCINICH!!!
1. He's got a superhero slogan
It's a bird! It's a plane! It's "America's most courageous congressman."
2. He's seen a UFO
At least that's what he said in 2007, after Shirley MacLaine recounted the incident in her book "Sage-Ing While Age-Ing." According to MacLaine's version of events, Kucinich was visiting her home in Washington state when he "saw a gigantic triangular craft ... he said he felt a connection in his heart and heard directions in his mind." Kucinich, then a candidate for the Democratic nomination for president, confirmed the UFO sighting at a debate. "It was an unidentified flying object, OK?" he said. "I saw something."
3. He's in favor of lowering age limits
Kucinich has called for lowering the drinking age from 21 to 18, and lowering the voting age from 18 to 16.
4. He had a close call with the Mafia
As mayor of Cleveland in 1978, Kucinich learned of a Mafia plot to assassinate him at a city parade. Investigators believed local dons were frustrated by Kucinich's policies, which put a dent in their operations. As luck would have it, Kucinich missed the parade because he was hospitalized with an ulcer, but Cleveland police advised him to buy a gun for protection. Kucinich, a longtime supporter of gun control, later introduced legislation to ban civilian ownership of handguns.
5. He's friends with Larry Flynt
The porn mogul hosted a star-studded fundraiser for Kucinich's 2008 presidential bid. Guests at the Hustler headquarters included Ed Norton, Sean Penn and Melissa Etheridge. In a statement, Flynt said: "I support Dennis Kucinich because not only have I been a friend of his for 40 years, but I believe he offers an essential, viable and exciting option to the candidates that are more popular at the moment."
Seriously, what more can I add to the 'Dennis Kucinich Story'? (Soon to be released as a Major DeliriumWorks Motion Picture Production in 3D and Denta-Round!!!)
BUT WAIT, THERE'S MOOOO-RE!!!!
Buy the Dennis Kucinich "I Want to Believe" T-Shirt (Currently, only available in BLUE)
Sell your Vote for HealthCare for a Ride on AirForceOne!
Please God, let this be as close to AF1 as he ever gets... Please???