Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Leaded... Vin Diesel Facts

I wrote a post entitled, "Up With Chuck" a while ago. It was a blog post 'laden' with Chuck Norris 'Facts'. During the extensive research that I did for that post, I came across Vin Diesel 'Facts' that I promised that I would discuss later.
It's later. Quite possibly, later than you think.

Vin Diesel Facts:

  • If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: "I End Lives."
  • When Vin Diesel goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
  • In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vin Diesel could use to kill you, including the room itself.
  • Crop circles are Vin's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to just lie down.
  • There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live.
  • When Vin Diesel jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Vin instead.
  • Vin Diesel is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
  • Vin Diesel has two speeds: walk and kill.
  • Vin Diesel is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's crap.
  • You are what you eat. That is why Vin Diesel's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.
  • Vin Diesel once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.
  • Vin Diesel has always been able to find Waldo, except for one time. He found himself stumped on the last page of Where's Waldo Now?, not being able to find the Waldo without a shoe. He threw the book down and screamed, "This is TRASH!" They're all wearing shoes." He then proceeded to eat the book and exclaim, "IF I CAN'T FIND WALDO, THEN NO ONE CAN!" The book he ate belonged to a child that he had borrowed it from. The child began to cry and Vin ate him for good measure. The incident has since been refered to as Christmas.
  • Vin Diesel coined the phrase, "I could eat a Horse" after he ate every last unicorn in existence.
  • In fine print at on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Vin Diesel, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.
  • Vin Diesel can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
  • Vin Diesel can divide by zero.
  • Vin Diesel is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
  • Vin Diesel played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.
  • Vin Diesel was the hunter who shot Bambi's Mother. He then wore her carcass like it was a coat while he made his rounds at the local children's hospital.
  • The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Vin Diesel punched himself in the face.
  • When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Vin Diesel.
  • If you were to lock Vin Diesel in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this Vin replied "Because Grammy's are for queers." Then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.
  • On his birthday, Vin Diesel randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
    Vin Diesel invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
  • It takes 14 puppeteers to make Vin Diesel smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
  • If you pause Lion King at a certain point, Vin Diesel can clearly be seen beating on Simba
  • Vin Diesel once hit a man so hard, it killed all of his extended family and most of his friends
  • While playing Chutes and Ladders, Vin Diesel treats the chutes as ladders, because he’s not some wimp who can’t climb up a plastic slide
  • There is a rumor that when Vin Diesel was 8 he wanted to be a fireman. This is false, Vin Diesel was never 8.
  • Vin Diesel was born with the right to party, whereas most of us are forced to fight for it
  • Vin Diesel is forced to carry a baseball bat every time he goes to the bathroom, just in case he poops out a wild cat and has to beat it to death
  • Contrary to popular belief, Vin Diesel inspired the TV series “MacGyver” when he managed to construct a cell phone out of only the blood of his enemies’ children, his pure hatred for the weak, and a cell phone.
  • Vin Diesel once fell in a pool of lava. He nearly drowned
  • Vin Diesel once killed two stones with one bird
  • Vin Diesel has no concept of time, and if you go to his house you won’t find a single clock. When you ask to leave because it’s getting late he stares at you blankly until you sit back down.
  • Vin Diesel has two kittens . . . every night for dinner
  • Vin has the heart of a small child. He keeps it in his toaster
  • A Vin Diesel action figure has slept with more women than most men
  • Every night, Vin Diesel does 700 push ups and punches himself in the face until he passes out

Just so you know, I had to re-read and edit the above list about three times. I'm not complaining, because I laughed each time I went through the list (isn't it GREAT to be a grown-up?). I just wanted to make sure that I did a 'language' and 'decency' scrub so I wouldn't get knocked off the site.

Given some of the things I found on the second and third time through, well, I'm thinking it was time well-spent. If I missed anything, please let me know. And remember...

"If you can see Vin Diesel, Vin Diesel can see you. If you can't see Vin Diesel, you may be mere seconds away from death..."

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