I Have a Cow! (The Game)

Hey, guess what time it is!  That's right, it's 'almost' spring-time! 


And you know what that means... 


(You do, don't you?) 


Hint:  Within the next 90 days you'll be taking out a home equity line of credit on your house to do something both entertaining and educational... 


Hmm, what could it be?


Yup, you've got it!  You'll be using that $12,486.24 home equity line of credit to buy gas and meals on this year's road trip with your family!  (Double the home equity line of credit requirement if you own a Yukon Denali or Dodge Durango - yeah, it's got a Hemi!).  


When you have an SUV that's big enough to have it's own zip code and is capable of being viewed from space with the naked eye, you'll probably also have a DVD player, video game inputs, and / or hot tub on board. 


But... what you really need is a 'bonding exercise' to bring your family 'closer'. 


What fun is traveling, if all the kids have do is watch movies you can't see, and laugh at jokes you can't hear because they're wearing headphones (and all YOU have to do is talk to your spouse)? 


AND because they're kids, they're probably pointing at, and laughing at YOU because you don't realize they're watching full-length 'adult' DVDs that they found in your sock drawer next to a couple of your 'spare' zero-balance credit cards. 


Oh, and before I forget, the new 42" flat-panel LCD TV will look really great in their room next to the drum set (both of these items were ordered online just before you left the house this morning). 


Yes, you'll need some 'quality' bonding times to get through the days ahead. 


It is with these facts in mind that I offer you the 'I Have a Cow' game.  It's fun, it's easy, and best of all, it's FREE!  (For a limited time only, other restrictions may apply...)


So here's how it works...


OFFICIAL RULES FOR THE 'I HAVE A COW' ROAD GAME:

1. Your objective is to have verified sightings of five (5) cows during your road trip (sounds easy doesn't it?)
2. The first player to see, and KEEP their five cows wins
3. But wait, there's more...
4. When you leave your home each player receives one COMPLIMENTARY 'starter' cow
5. As you are riding along the highways and byways of  _____________________ (insert state's name here); the first person to see a cow, photo of a cow, or the word 'COW' shouts, "I have a cow!"  If the cow 'sighting' is verified by another player in the vehicle, the person first seeing the cow gets credit for this, their 'second' cow
6. If there is NO visual confirmation of the cow, there is no credit given for this sighting because sometimes people 'just see things that aren't there' in order to win the game
7. If someone sees a 'sheep' on a hillside and shouts, "I have a cow"; (the sheep is obviously NOT a cow, (except in some counties in Georgia)).  This player is penalized one cow and their cow is brutally, yet figuratively, dispatched
8. You can only call a single cow from a single dairy farm at a time.  For example, if there are 219 cows grazing in a field, only a single cow can be claimed from the, what I believe is called, the 'flock'.  (Well, at least, that's what I herd...).  If you could claim all the cows at once, the game would only about last four minutes in most parts of Central New York and there would be NO bonding with your family and you might as well just let the kids watch those adult videos and continue to laugh at you from the middle row of the SUV or Minivan
9. It can't be as easy as just seeing cows, can it?  No, you will also see cemeteries along the way and these are a vitally important aspect of the game.  Cemeteries (a.k.a.:  Marble Orchards) were placed strategically along roadways to allow you to make the 'game' more interesting.  If you, or any other players in the car, see a Cemetery (as indicated by headstones, dead people, or 'Dawn of the Dead' zombie-types bumping into, and falling over each other), you MUST shout, "All your cows are dead!" to the other players in the car. 
10. Once again, the cemetery must be confirmed by another player in the car (they will HATE doing this) before you effectively 'murder' all of the other players' cows.  You, however, get to KEEP your cows since the player who saw the cemetery keeps their cows, and has immunity from 'death' (until the next cemetery is spotted, and once again, helpless cows are slaughtered 'virtually', in your vehicle).
11. If you shout "All your cows are dead!" because you saw a rock, and it 'kind of looked like' a headstone but there was NO cemetery, YOU lose all of your cows.

That's it, first to get to FIVE COWS wins.  Good luck kids, and enjoy the bonding that you will have with your family crossing this great nation of ours!  And be sure to look for 'Historically Significant' cows as your travel!  (i.e.: Babe the Blue Ox! Although I'm not sure if an Ox is a cow, or an, uh, ox...)

PARENTS, ONLY SECTION! (You kids, get back to that movie you were watching...):

1. Add excitement to the game by randomly shouting out, "I have a...".  Your kids will hear you begin, and they'll cut you off to scream, "I have a cow!" as loudly as their little lungs will allow (since there was NEVER a cow and you were just 'funnin' the little tykes, they lose one of theirs).  Whoever finishes the statement 'first' wins, or in this case, loses.
2. For a variation of the above theme, you can also randomly shout, "All your cows are..." and your kids (and sometimes your spouse) will finish for you and they will lose all of their cows because as YOU know, there was never a cemetery to begin with.  And if you kill cows without a cemetery, all of your cows are killed (painlessly, and without bloodshed, of course)
3. If two of you kids (with three and four cows each) are piling on the third, younger, child (who can't get a cow to save his life), you should institute a 'cow transfer' capability wherein adults can give cows to younger children, but children cannot 'merge' their cows to come up with five (5) total cows.  This gives younger kids a chance to win (where no chance would otherwise exist), and really ticks off the older two because, in a 'bonding' exercise, isn't that the effect you're really going for anyway?  (Oh, sorry, in retrospect, that was the diversity training I had to take when I worked at Lucent Technologies -- scratch that last 'bonding' reference...)
4. If you are in a part of the U.S. that has no cows visible (who'd want to live THERE?) feel free to modify the game to something more geographically appropriate.  For example, when in Florida, you can play either the "I have a gator!", or "I have a poisonous snake that wants to kill me!" version of the game.  When in Washington, DC, for example, your family can play the "I have a no good, take all my money, and give me nothing for it, politician!" game.  This version of the game typically lasts less than 18 seconds since everyone in Washington IS a politician, and it's hard to shout "All your politicians are dead!" since there are no cemeteries in DC as bodies are hidden in filing cabinets in most major federal office buildings that YOU pay for, but YOU can't enter (especially if you're driving an SUV at the time).  Plus, if you yell "All of your politicians are dead!" in downtown DC, the Department of Homeland Security will drag you from your SUV, put you in an orange jumpsuit, and send you to a place with NO cows at all for the rest of your days. 

Well, that's it.  I'd like to thank Jackie Goldberger, our realtor, for getting us started with the basic rules of the "I Have a Cow" game.  We've added a few other twists over the years, but the above should get your family off the DVD for a while.  You live in a beautiful area, it's a shame when no one takes the time to 'look around' while traveling because vehicles have more 'entertainment intelligence' than our home theater systems had just ten years ago. 


If nothing else, the 'Cow' game will get everyone looking out the windows for a while, and if you're lucky enough, you might just be able to 'Have a Cow' with your family this summer. 


Even when I'm travelling for work in my car, I catch myself looking up through the windshield and saying, "I have a cow" under my breath. 


I'm hooked, I'm a 'Cow' fan.  I AM the cow -- Moo Moo Ma Moo!


Enjoy your spring!  Go on, get Mooooooooving....


Bet you can't wait to get to the Ocean this summer...


I'll race ya!

Silent Death From Above

The MoosRoom blog is once again on the bleeding edge of technological innovation, bringing you news / moos you can use!  

News that can even...

Help save your LIFE!
  
I have just come across an article that is so frightening, so outrageous, I had to bring it to you here, tonight (this, after I just got through reviewing the 'colon cleansing' blog post for later in the week.  Come to think of it - these posts MAY be related after all...)

The people at Electric Aircraft Corporation have just introduced an Electric Plane.  Yes, a plane with a very long power cord...  

Oops, no, I just re-read the article, and it is actually powered by batteries.  The same type of batteries I have in this laptop which used to last two hours three years ago, but now expire faster than Taylor Hicks' post-American Idol singing career (roughly 27 minutes). 

It's being touted as a 'plug and fly' airplane with a total charge costing only 60 cents.  Less than a buck is a great deal for a thrill ride at Disney, but at Disney, the ride typically doesn't fall from the sky and KILL you.

Okay, maybe I'm putting a negative spin on this, but a little of the verbiage from the article concerns me, just a 'wee' bit.  Check it out to see what you think:  Plug and Fly 

Here are a couple of excerpts from the write-up for your consideration:

• Once in the air, the ElectraFlyer C cruises at 70 miles per hour. Top speed is 90 mph and the stall speed is 45. The plane can fly for 90 to 120 minutes before the battery needs recharging. When the battery winds down, just plug it into a 110V outlet -- your house is full of them -- and you're good to go in just more than six hours.   (Moo's Note:  Okay, where do you find a power outlet at 5,000 feet?  And if you really want me to feel safe anywhere near this plane, don't ever tell me what the 'stall speed' is.  No one should ever have to find out.)

• The motor is nearly silent, which means no earplugs for pilots, and brings the potential for flying into new sites. And then there's the a dramatic improvement in what the company calls "neighbor relations" -- no droning engines to drive them nuts. Electric motors don't produce a lot of soot or pollution, and overhauls are a snap.  (Moo's Note:  Yeah, the motor is nearly silent?  How do you know it's ON?  And please don't use the word 'SNAP' when you're discussing an electric motor overhaul, it just doesn't lend 'reliability' to the whole electric engine 'premise'.)

Here's a photo of the plane just so you know I'm not making this up:

My overall concern with this plane is the following:  It's an airplane!  

It has a battery with a finite life that is powering the electric engine.  If you have an electrical 'short' (like I had in a boat I owned once), you're not stuck bobbing freely on the St. Johns River on a Saturday afternoon.  Instead, you're plummeting out of the sky at 500+ MPH with a one-way 'E' ticket to the Almighty. 

And, if I'm being honest with you (I almost always am) my greatest fear is that even when it's running, this thing is quiet.  So quiet that it could land a block away from you and you would never hear it.  This is great if your home backs up to a runway, but imagine this, you're walking down the street one half mile from a runway and Pilot Bob charged the batteries for 5.8 hours instead of the recommended 6. 

You walk with your baby in a stroller with your beloved Golden Retriever at your side; your dog stops, begins to poop, and following this brief moment of colon cleansing you look up to see what's casting that ever-growing shadow over you, your baby, and your dog when suddenly:

SPLATT-O!  Silent Death From Above! 

So the next time you are walking your baby and your dog down your street in your quiet neighborhood 'where nothing weird ever happens', keep one eye on the sky, one eye on your baby, and one eye on your dog. 

If you can do this my friend, you are some kind of alien-mutant-monster for outer space and I'm hoping that electric plane lands right on your three-eyed fleshy melon of a head and pushes your brains all the way down to the suckers on the bottoms of those stalks you call feet. 

But if you have only two eyes, keep them wide open, and listen really, really hard.  Did you hear something?  

Yeah, it may have been nothing...  

Or maybe it's 600+ pounds of pilot and 'electric love'  hurtling down at you from the sky.  

If it IS an electric plane coming at you, you won't need to get those pesky 12 - 25 pounds out of your colon un-naturally. 

It'll just HAPPEN. 

Buzzzzzzzzzzz...

Baby Hating Dogs

No, I’m not talking about babies who hate dogs.  Everyone knows that babies like (okay, if we’re being honest here -- babies ‘love’) dogs. 

This assumes that the dog is not barking at, or 'nipping at' the aforementioned baby.  (From personal experience, I can tell you honestly that infants do not enjoy this aspect of the ‘dog barking at, or chewing on baby experience’ at all.)

The real-life story I’d like to share with you today is about dogs that HATE babies. 

I never knew these dogs existed until I had been married for eighteen months.  Proof of this canine disdain came one day after I returned home from work.  Being a ‘newlywed’ I had no idea the amount of weirdness that could be generated by one Labrador Retriever and one ‘Rabbit’.  It is hard to conceive the amount of angst and tragedy generated by these two parties getting together. 

And true to form, when the Lab catches the Rabbit – the Lab wins...   

I fear I have gotten ahead of myself in relaying the story.  What I need to do is take you back about six months earlier when there was just the ‘Rabbit’.  My wife and I had been trying to ‘become great with child’ for about a year – with no success.  The doctor told us that everything seemed to be working okay (wink – wink), but it may be a ‘timing’ issue.  Apparently everything was getting to the delivery dock okay, but as it turned out, it was either before the truck arrived, or after the truck had just departed to the baby-making factory. 

Our delivery “absolutely, positively” had to be there overnight, but we kept missing the pick-up.

My wife came across an ad in a woman’s magazine that highlighted a product designed to cure all of our baby-making ills.  The “Rabbit” was a handheld device that tracked my wife’s temperature and (gasp) predicted her ovulation cycles! 

Personally speaking, I liked the ‘roll the dice’ concept of conception.  Once you apply scientific method the process of making a baby – it seems too much like work.  I’ll admit that our original methods were not successful, but practice makes perfect, and well, you know...

This being said, we sent our $90 payment to the folks who made the ‘Rabbit’, and one of us waited anxiously for the ‘special delivery’ to arrive.  Two weeks later, we were the proud owners of a digital ovulation prediction device – it lasted, appropriately enough, for nine months.

Before “Good Morning’s” were tossed across the old Sealy Posturepedic, my wife would jam the ‘Rabbit’s’ thermometer into her mouth to determine if this was, or was not “THE DAY”.  

To make the device “Idiot Proof” (in case the husband was somehow involved in the fertilization process) the Rabbit featured a LCD display that graphically depicted the ideal day for ‘CONCEPTION’. 

Professional Marketing Recommendation:  If this thing also had a built-in TV remote, they would have sold A TON more of them.

My wife heard her biological clock ticking, but all I heard was a steady and profoundly uncomfortable thudding in my head.  This, I believe, was the sound of my ‘anti-biological’ clock. 

While my wife looked at having a baby as the opportunity to bring a new life into the world, I looked at it as ‘the end to all that is’.  Looking back now, I realize that one of us was wrong; I’m not naming names, but one of us was an idiot. 

It was me; I was the idiot – okay?

The ‘Rabbit’ worked diligently to measure my wife’s morning temperature and plotting her progress towards ‘Ovulation D-Day’. 

This went on for three months – with no takers on the wife-side of the baby-making equation.  This can be illustrated mathematically as: 

Husband + Wife + Rabbit = No Baby 

Then:

A buddy of mine went to a County Fair and fed a stray dog.  The dog liked being fed.  Liked being fed so much that she followed them home (my buddy and his wife had walked to the Fair).  They liked the dog.  The dog liked them.  The dog liked many other dogs, apparently, many other times.  The dog did not need a ‘Rabbit’.  The dog, it turns out, was well on the way to being ‘great with pups’. 

Slugger, the name given to the stray turns out had quite a bit of ‘exposure’ to other dogs in the neighborhood.  When she finally gave birth to eleven pups (aren’t you glad we normally get one baby at a time?). 

The puppies were an assortment of German Shepherd, Wire-Hair Terrier, Poodle, Husky, Beagle and Black Lab-like pups.  With a single litter Slugger could have populated an entire puppy store.  ‘Jenny’ was one of these pups.  

Jenny was the runt and looked most like a Black Labrador Retriever.  We decided that we would bring her into our home and make her the newest member of the family (especially since we were having no success at adding to our own ‘head-count’.)  We made her the center of our 'childless' world. 

Unfortunately that was not good enough.  The pup had an agenda.  The dog (even at eight months of age) wanted to be the undisputed center of attention.  I know this because of the events of one fateful Thursday afternoon:

Three months after adopting Jenny I came home from work to find my wife in tears and the dog gated in the kitchen. 

“What happened?” I asked.   

“The dog.”  She answered.

“What happened to the dog?” I asked. 

“The dog ate the ‘Rabbit’.”  She sobbed.

“Huh?”  I stammered, not grasping the immensity of what was to follow. 

“The dog ate the ‘Rabbit’.  It’s over there.  It doesn’t work anymore.  She chewed the thermometer off and broke it.  The dog ate it because, because, because she doesn’t want me to ever have a baby!  She wants to be an, an, only child…..”  My wife was sobbing even more loudly now. 

“You’re kidding me -- right?” I asked, hoping that she was actually kidding.

“No, the dog ate the ‘Rabbit’ because she doesn’t want me to have a baby – so she ate it and now we’ll never have children because it cost $90 and you’re too cheap to buy another one.”  At this point that she glared at me.

“Oh.”  I said.

“You probably got the dog to get rid of the ‘Rabbit’ for you so we’d never have children.”  She continued.  “I don’t think you ever wanted to have a baby.” 

“That’s not true, I love babies, and they’re so cute when they belong to other people, are in television commercials, when they’re sleeping……” 

“You TRAINED the dog to eat the ‘Rabbit’ – didn’t you?”  She said.

I did the only thing I could do at this point – I took the dog for a walk.  No matter what I said, I was going to lose.

Conversations over the next couple of days were a little tense, but I don’t think my wife actually believed that I taught the dog to destroy her ‘Rabbit’.  It was the emotional let down of thinking that we wouldn’t EVER have a baby because our ‘Rabbit’ died. 

Now, three kids later, I just laugh.  Not able to have children?  We had children when we were trying, thinking about trying, and not even trying at all. 

Here, therefore is our amended equation for baby-making:

            Husband + Wife + Dog = 3 Babies

I have some advice to anyone burning up hours of life worrying about whether you’ll ever have children or not – relax.  If it’s meant to be – it’ll happen.  Feel free to enjoy all of your life, not just selected parts of it.  There’s enough stress in life to go around, don’t compound it by making romance into ‘work’. 

But just in case there are otherwise happily-married couples out there looking to take all the romance out of their lives and do what we did, I recommend the following: 

Look in the back of a women’s magazine (they're all pretty much the same) and I’ll bet that there are newer and even cooler versions of our old ‘Rabbit’ out there.  Bust out the credit card, go online or pick up that phone and have that little device shipped via Next Day Air!  You could be just a month away from the beginning of your first Trimester! 

And you thought your life was already stressful enough?

And guys, after a few months of feeling like you’re getting a little too much pressure to perform ‘your duties’, and if you happen to have a puppy at home, I have two words for you:  ‘Peanut Butter’

I’m not saying I did, and I’m not saying I didn’t.  You too must find your own path (preferably with your wife, and a good dog by your side).

Oh, and as a final word of advice, use Creamy Peanut Butter - you'll have less of a chance of stray 'Nut Bits' left behind. 

Trust me it's better that way. 
 

The Wisconsin MeltDown

Smile for the camera...  Signs up...  You with the lab coat, pretend you're a doctor! 
Okay, we're rolling in three, two, one!

Wisconsin!  Our nation turns its weary eyes to you and utters a collective, "Huh?" 

Listening to the folks in the Media (as well as reading some of the signage carried by participants on the ground), you'd think that Wisconsin is in for an old-fashion workers' revolution. 

Well, you may be right. 

Some of the people I've seen, and heard in online video clips are 'revolting'. 

For example, consider the following Revolutionary Ideas:

1.  Teachers 'cutting classes' AND getting fake doctors' notes to excuse them
 
2.  Teachers bringing students to protest on their behalf

3.  Teachers telling reporters that they're "Doing this for the children"

4.  President Obama taking sides (Surprise!  Against state government - again)

5.  Unions bussing 'workers' in from across the US to protest in Wisconsin

6.  Democratic Senate leadership LEAVING the state to avoid the legislation's passage

7.  Embracing of the New Tones of Civility in our Nation called for by top National Democratic Leaders

(You'll need to get the kids out of the room for this one - I am NOT kidding)

Yes, Wisconsin is Ground Zero for the new civility sweeping America.  A 'kindler, gentler' America in which Americans are free to speak their minds and be heard openly and fairly. 

Yes, something like THIS... 

Typical Wisconsin Pet:  "Canine Wisconsinus Golden Retrievius Cheeseus"

We may have a revolution on our hands, all beginning, right there, right now in the Cheese Head State. 

The questions IS:  Who's fueling the revolution?

You know, it's funny that you should ask the same question I did just seconds ago! 

I did some 'Googling' earlier today and found some Inconvenient Truths regarding the folks amping up the volume of discontent in Wisconsin.

Since it's ALL about Teachers and Public Sector Unions, let's take a look at who they are and where they spend their workers' dues!

According to Wikipedia, the NEA:  "Describes itself as a professional employee organization,^[1] is incorporated as a professional association in a few states and as a labor union in most. The group holds a congressional charter under Title 36 of the United States Code. It is not a member of the AFL-CIO, but is part of Education International, the global federation of teacher's unions. The NEA is a major funder of liberal organizations and the Democratic Party, and is a frequently criticized for opposition to efforts for education reform.^[2]"

According to Wikipedia, the American Federation of Teachers (AFT):  Is an American labor union founded in 1916 that represents teachers, paraprofessionals and school-related personnel; local, state and federal employees; higher education faculty and staff, and nurses and other healthcare professionals. It is affiliated with the AFL-CIO.

The AFT is the second-largest education labor union in the United States, representing about 1.5 million members as of July 2010, of whom 250,000 are retired.^[1] Unlike the largest U.S. education trade union, the 3.2 million-member National Education Association, the AFT has since its founding been affiliated with a trade union federation (the old American Federation of Labor until 1955 and the AFL-CIO since then).

All rightey then...  Since we know the players, let's try to understand HOW they play in all of this. 

First, let's take a look at what the NEA and AFT spend 'Members Dues' on.  It's like my ex-girlfriend used to say, " I may be cheap, but I CAN be bought !" 

(Note to self:  NOT a good expression to shout loudly in a packed bar)

In 2009 - 2010 these unions were the number 2 and number 3 contributors to political parties in the US respectively (Source:  http://www.opensecrets.org/industries/indus.php?ind=P)


In politics, follow the money - the above charts how member's dues are spent by Union
BLUE buys Democrats - RED buys Republicans
Unions seem BLUE lately...

For future reference, www.opensecrets.org is a Wonderful site to visit when you're trying to figger stuff out by 'following the money'...  It's definitely a 'keeper'

Since Teachers' Unions represent ALL American children (and they're doing this for the kids!) they must support ALL political parties equally, right?  You know, 'spreading the wealth around' evenly? 

I'm thinking whoever put the chart above was full of 'Hoooey'!  Can we get some detail here to prove out my hypothesis that the above is wrong?  For example, if unions were contributing to say, Members of the House or Senate, certainly there'd be more 'Fairness' here, wouldn't there? 

Great!  Let's take a look!

Once again, BLUE is Democratic Funding, RED is Republican

Okay, so MAYBE that's just the Tsunami of Democratic Support given to the Unions with the election of President Obama?  Let's look back, um, I'm thinking like over the past TEN years to see what it used to look like, you know, when the Republicans were the ones running up the National Debt...

Sheesh, I guess Unions subscribe to the notion of:  'Better Dead Than Red'
When it comes to buying influence in Government?

Speaking of 'Red'...  The Wisconsin Teacher's Strike is getting quite a bit of MainStream coverage, as well as support from some 'Usually We're Quiet Because We Like Staying Under the Radar But We're Always Here' Groups. 

Those groups? 

Oh, the Usual Suspects:



"Workers of the world unite; you have nothing to lose but your chains."  -- Karl Marx





Each of these photos above is a Hyperlink back to the source site - click if you want to read more! 
It's fascinating!!!
Not in a 'good way'



So why is any of this a big deal to me?  

• Public Unions BUY political power
• This power is purchased on the backs of workers who have no say as to where their money is spent
• The funding 95+% of the time goes to Democrat law makers
• However, 100% of the lawmaker's paycheck comes from US, you know...  'We, the people'
• But, if Democrat lawmakers are 95% 'as a percentage of interest buying' in the tank for Unions?

Question is:  Do we get our 'Fair Share' of that remaining 5% of Union Influence from Democratic lawmakers?

Oh, and I'd be lying if I said that Anarchists, Socialists, and Communists continuing to stir up 'excitement' in Wisconsin, Ohio, and other states across the US didn't 'Cheese' me off a bit. 

Yeah, you could say that I have a large chunk of "Gouda up my rumpous" over that one...

So everyone out there cool with the A, S, and C groups out there stirring things up a bit?  You know, "Workers of the world unite!"  (or if you're dyslexic:  "Dyslexics of the world untie!")

Everyone good with President Obama tossing out the obligatory "They acted stupidly" kind of quote when referring to state's rights?     

Just curious. 



BONUS:  A few of my favorite photos from the articles referenced above!



Democratic State Senators 'formerly from' Wisconsin. 
Yeah, They're outlaws!!! 
How cool is that?

 


"Ask not what your Union can do for you, er, a, ask what you can do for your Union"

 



"Yeah, all you RICH guys, you've been put on notice!
Hey, can I open my eyes now???"

 


Holy crap, I thought Randy Quaid was in jail, an asylum, or something?  But all this time, he's been
'Organizing for Wisconsin'?  Why didn't I see THAT coming???