It's Not Easy Being Green



Kermit 'Goes Green' for the Ford Escape Hybrid in 2006

 There's been a huge push for the American Public to 'Go Green' from 'Environmentally Aware' folks and political types across America.  Why?  Because to many of these people, concerns of the Environment have replaced religion in their life.  I may be 'desperately clinging to my guns and religion' (thanks Mr. Obama), but I think there is a louder (yet  significantly smaller) chorus of people out there clinging to their Blu Ray copies of "An Inconvenient Truth" and their dog-eared copies of "Silent Spring" by Rachel Carson.  

If you weren't aware, Rachel was instrumental in getting DDT outlawed as a pesticide.  She was concerned about protecting wildlife, baby eagles, egrets, etc.  But, the fallout from DDT bans yielded other Inconvenient Truths of their own.

Consider this:  "Thanks principally to DDT, in the years after World War II malaria was eradicated in the U.S. and sharply curtailed in many tropical countries. Venezuela recorded eight million cases of malaria in 1943; by 1958 that number was down to eight hundred. The World Health Organization estimates that DDT saved 50 to 100 million lives during this period, and that's just counting malaria prevention.

In recent years, however, the disease has staged a comeback. Globally it quadrupled during the 1990s, and it's even reappeared sporadically in the United States. The resurgence of malaria is due to a variety of factors, including changes in land use and possibly climate, and some experts say the phasing out of DDT is one of them."  Source:  Cecil Adams - The Straight Dope 

Well, at least the eagles made a comeback! 

Using the same scientific reasoning path as Ms. Carson...  Perhaps eagles CAUSE Malaria?!?! 

Hmm, I wonder?

I'm sorry, I've digressed once again.  Back to the subject at hand.

Congress has passed legislation making it illegal to buy incandescent light bulbs and replacing them with the Environmentally 'Spooky' compact fluorescent bulbs.  They don't light up quickly (especially when they're cold), they're bad for your eyes,  they cost more than traditional bulbs, and they don't last as long as advertised, but, seriously, would you expect any less from a recommendation from your Congress?

BEHOLD THE EVIRONMENTALLY FRIENDLY CFL!!!

DISCLAIMER:  Just as a reminder, if you ever break one of THESE bulbs (which are almost exclusively made in China because their too environmentally destructive to manufacture HERE) please follow the following simple steps outlined below, courtesy of YOUR EPA:

1. Before cleanup 
   • Have people and pets leave the room.
   • Air out the room for 5-10 minutes by opening a window or door to the outdoor environment. 
   • Shut off the central forced air heating/air-conditioning system, if you have one.
   • Collect materials needed to clean up broken bulb.

2. During cleanup
   • Be thorough in collecting broken glass and visible powder.
   • Place cleanup materials in a sealable container.

3. After cleanup
   • Promptly place all bulb debris and cleanup materials outdoors in a trash container or protected area until materials can be disposed of properly. Avoid leaving any bulb fragments or cleanup materials indoors.
   • If practical, continue to air out the room where the bulb was broken and leave the heating/air conditioning system shut off for several hours.

For the more-detailed instruction list (and even 'Spookier' Mercury debridement solutions) click the following:  "Mercury"  - It's NOT just in Tuna Anymore!

My favorite line found in these expanded instructions?  "Consider not using CFLs in lamps that can be easily knocked over, in unprotected light fixtures, or in lamps that are incompatible with the spiral or folded shape of many CFLs."

I was encouraged to have an excuse NOT to use CFLs until I realized that it will be illegal to purchase ANY incandescent bulb after 2014.  Gee, thanks Congress! 

[REMINDER TO SELF:  Hit the Lowe's now for 'real' light bulbs before they're all gone - the 100 Watters are already illegal]

Besides replacing all the working bulbs in your home for with ones filled with a poisonous gas, what else is new on the 'Green Front'???

Well, there are several automotive solutions which are going to set the world on FIRE with their Eco-Friendliness Quotients (EFQ's - I just made this up, but it sounds official, doesn't it?). 

And HERE they are!!!

The 2011 Chevy Volt gets 230 Miles per Gallon!

The Chevrolet Volt!  Your tax dollars at work...

As advertised above, the Chevrolet Volt gets a whopping 230 MPG! 

Just look at the window stick and you'll know that it's true:

Yes, this is the Actual EPA Required Window Sticker for Fuel Economy

I am pleased to report that the Chevrolet Volt gets somewhere between 230 and 37 Miles Per Gallon (when actually running on a 'Gallon' of gas). 

Isn't THAT impressive!?!?!

And, how does the Chevrolet Volt rate when ranked in 12 'Greenest Vehicles of 2011' competition? 

The Volt has an extremely strong ranking of, um, 'last'.

Well, surely other car companies are jumping into the 'Green Fray'.  How are they doing? 

Let's look at the Nissan Leaf.  It's ALL electric (it never met an outlet it didn't like) AND it receives a 'Green Rating' of 54!  That IS impressive, isn't it?!?!

The 2011 Nissan Leaf

These are two of the cars that the Obama Administration wants you to buy. 

You'll even get tax rebates to do so!

A couple of flies in the ointment, though:

1.  The Chevrolet Volt has an average MSRP of over $40,000

2.  The Nissan Leaf has an MSRP of over $32,000

By comparison, a 'Loaded Up' Ford Fiesta SFE (Number 7 on the above list of Greenest Vehicles) will run you just about $15,500 but, sorry, no tax rebate from Uncle Sam.  But, selling at about HALF the cost of the 'Greenest Vehicles' mentioned above I'm thinking that the $16 to $24 THOUSAND dollars you'll save over the other two options will buy a lot of gas for you over the next few years.

So, have American citizens embraced the new 'Green Techology' to move their families around?  Of course they have!!!

Let's take a look at the sales numbers for this year alone!!!

                                     January US Sales          February US Sales
Chevrolet Volt                   321                                     281
Nissan Leaf                          87                                       67 

Holy Moly, these two US Government Endorsed vehicles have sold almost 800 vehicles year to date (combined)!!!

Without tax incentives, glitzy advertising, and fawning media coverage, Ford has sold 6,270 units in February, 2011 of the new Fiesta. 

Huh, it would appear to the un-trained eye that Ford Motor Company might just be doing something right here - WITHOUT the active participation of the US government?  How could THAT be???

I guess that perhaps car guys / gals should probably build, market, and survey their prospective customers to see what drivers want vs. allowing the government to mandate which cars they build. 

Well, at least for now, before Congress starts outlawing cars like they did with Thomas Edison's best work... 

A word to the wise:  You might want to buy your Ford Fiesta now (before Congress outlaws it).  I just hope they leave the headlights alone...  I'd hate to be sitting in my car in Central New York waiting ten minutes for the bulbs to warm up.

I offer the following song in condolence to the folks at Chevrolet, Nissan, and the US Senate:   


Have a nice week folks, I'll leave my incandescent lights on for ya.

I LOVE a Parade! (Alpacas... Not so Much)

Vestal Golden Bears Marching Band St. Patrick's Day Parade March 5, 2011

It’s 'almost' springtime in the Northeast.  Soon the deep-freeze of the winter months will fade into distant memory as lawns once again grow lush, green, and full of moles.  Bunnies will magically re-appear and this year's crop of Mayflies will begin to rut ceaselessly in my garage during their 24 hours of sexual carnage.  

It is time to celebrate the cycle of re-birth accompanying the upcoming spring.  What better time to shrug off your winter clothes, find some shorts, tee shirts, and salute the things that symbolize this great nation of ours?  Small towns all over America will be ‘gussying’ up their downtowns and bringing out law enforcement, fire departments, high school bands, young gymnasts, farm equipment, and barnyard animals.  

Unfortunately, they won't be bringing them out in that order. 

The Vestal Festival is held annually in my town of Vestal, New York.  Local residents come from miles around to eat ‘Speidies’, buy crafts, and spend time with their neighbors.  It is an American celebration in the truest sense.  We celebrate our town’s heritage, our neighbors, our kids, and the things which make America great.  

In my town of Vestal, these specific things include Marching Bands, Alpacas, Tootsie Rolls, bath tubs, and tractors.   

When I was young I would join other members of my Boy Scout Troop and march in three to four parades a year.  Now it’s time for my youngest son to march with his high school marching band.  You can see him in the photo above marching with his trumpet in today's St. Patrick's Day Parade.  

A couple of things have changed since I marched in my last parade: 

1. 1.  At some point between the time I stopped marching in parades and each of my sons began; someone decided it would be a good idea to throw Tootsie Rolls, Fire Balls, and Starburst candies to children along the parade route.  We never lobbed food products at parade-watchers when I was a kid.
3. 2.  Someone also decided that it would be funny to throw the candy as CLOSE to the tires of moving tractors, farm trucks, and fire trucks as possible.  In a true test of youthful agility, kids will shoot out sporadically from the curb into the street to grab their booty.  They do this to pull candy (which they wouldn’t eat from their own grandmother’s candy dish) out from under the rolling wheels of multi-ton vehicles.
   
5. Moms and Dads cheer as children scrabble out onto the macadam to retrieve their $ .06 worth of free 'bootie'.  
7. Memorable quotes such as:  “Marcie, look at Bobby!  He almost bought it that time under the tractor – but he’s a quick little booger!” can be heard shouted along the parade route.

I never marched in a parade with Alpacas, horses, or other live stock – but each of my sons has.  Going out on a limb, I’m assuming that the planners of the event would pay a bit of attention to the order of placement of these particular parade participants.  

Let me ask you this:  If YOU are planning a dinner to impress your boss, you wouldn’t put the desert out ahead of the main course, wold you?  AND, what if the desert smelled 'bad'?  Might that not ruin the ambiance of the event???  

Likewise, if you are planning a parade, you would know enough to have ‘marchers’, ‘critters’ and ‘machines’ in their proper order.    

In the example of the Vestal Festival, putting livestock towards the END of the parade vs. having it scattered throughout the procession might be a wise planning decision.  During the course of the past several years parade organizers have placed marching bands and gymnastic schools behind horses, alpacas, and other barnyard animals.  When it comes to ‘critters’, hoof prints are not the only things left on the roadway following their ‘passing’.  In actuality, these animals ‘pass’ quite a lot along the parade route.   

While the kids in the marching band avoid 'most' alpaca and horse pooh, my mind flashes back to last year's unsuspecting boys and girls from the local gymnastics academy. They sprinted down the parade route in spotless white tights doing cartwheels and flips, smiling as they pinwheeled over and over again, having no idea of the horror which waited for them 'further' ahead.  

They bounded around the corner onto Front Street as they flipped themselves to walk on their hands for this section of the parade.  


The following will be forever burned into my memory:  

• Scores of children walking on their hands around, over, and 'through' piles of freshly deposited ‘organic matter’
• Parents clutching each other and onlookers screaming from the curb, “Don’t slip Bobby – for the love of God, don’t slip!”  
• No one did, but it’ll be years before those kids eat fried chicken or corn on the cob with their hands again.  

Personally speaking, I will never shake the hand of any gymnast.

If anyone involved in the Vestal Festival takes a moment to read this post, please put the ‘beasties’ at the end of the parade, rather than 'sprinkled liberally throughout' as in prior years' events.  Our mini-van stills smells like the ‘stable scene’ from our Church Christmas pageant after my two youngest sons walked the Vestal Festival Parade last year. 

The parade is a great event, but I'd rather take the day's excitement home in my memory, rather than embedded in the carpet of our Chrysler Town & Country. 

March on Vestal High Marching Band, march on! 
(Oh, and remember to look down from time to time throughout the parade just in case no one reads this but me and you.) 

News you can use – especially if you’re not from around these parts: 

Behold the mighty alpaca!

Eat the mighty spiedie!

Run in Terror from the Tootsie Roll!

You Want Flies With That???

I’m a father of three happy, healthy, and ‘relatively’ normal boys.  I’ve learned a lot along the path to becoming a ‘real’ parent.  Bill Cosby once described this as having more than two kids – having three, I've been a 'real' parent for YEARS...   

My sons have made comments over the years that I wanted to share with you; mostly because I need to share my stress with someone else (and luckily (for me) this means YOU!).  

As with most embarrassing events, the following quotes were made in public, almost all of them said very LOUDLY in restaurants.  These establishments were usually full of people, who unfortunately for them; were eating, or drinking, at the time at which the spoken abominations were unleashed upon the World.  

 I’ve never found a parenting book that prepares you for, or provides you with the appropriate response to the following – but read on and you’ll be prepared.  (Although, I'm not really sure that you ever CAN be...)

“I just went Number Two and it was this long!”  My youngest held his hands approximately 18 inches apart and had a huge smile on his face.  We were unable to verify his claim due to a lack of tape measure and the efficiency of the plumbing system at the facility.  However, most of the other people in the restaurant appeared to take his word for it since no one argued with him over their meals. 

“He just had a booger, now he doesn’t!  And he’s ‘itching’ the inside of his mouth again…”  Professional magician?  No, professional nose miner.

“No!  Dads have a 'peenie' like we do – Moms don’t.”  I’m not really sure what brought this up at the Outback Steakhouse, but we left shortly thereafter.  Loud comments like this in public places make every car in your rear view window look surprisingly like a Child Welfare surveillance vehicle.  How would a four-year old know this?  It must be that progressive education system I keep hearing about.   

My 2 year-old was in his car seat in the back of the car while I was driving one afternoon and he made a noise that I couldn’t identify.  He stretched his hand up to me between the gap in the front seats; his face was twisted in a grimace.  I asked him what was up and I passed my open hand back to comfort him.  He put his hand in mine and said “Nasty!”.  He then dragged his index finger back across my open palm.  When he was done, I found a booger the size of a Chevrolet Cobalt on my palm.  He was right, it was nasty. 

“You want flies with that?”  Apparently fruit flies are attracted to the corn syrup that accumulates on soda fountain nozzles at fast-food places during warm summer months.  We discovered this at a fine dining establishment a couple of years ago.  Unfortunately, we didn’t know this until the fruit fly was discovered by my nine-year old at the BOTTOM of his Sprite (that he just drank – yes, all the way to the bottom).   

We did, however, discover that McDonald’s employees respond quickly to the sound of vomiting in the dining area.  The above “You want flies with that?” quote was uttered by my middle son just prior to our test of restaurant’s EVRT (Emergency Vomit Removal Team – pronounced, ‘Eeeeevvrrrrttt!’).   

In case you’re wondering, the EVRT Team at McDonalds is pretty good. 

In the event that you need to spend time with your children in public there are basic rules that must be followed (write these down so you will not forget):

• If you dine in a fine restaurant (you should NEVER, EVER do this), select seats as far away from other diners as possible – the finest restaurants often offer curbside, or drive-through dining.  Utilize these options whenever possible.
• Huddle your family around you so you do not lose, or inadvertently add to, your family’s headcount.  If you find you have one more person than you came with, return immediately to wherever you were and tell the child (the one who looks least like you) to, “Stay here and wait for someone that looks vaguely familiar to walk by and follow them home…” 
• Have your children order from the ‘kids menu’ at ANY restaurant you visit until they’ve grown more facial hair than Jeff Bridges did in the first Iron Man movie.  Sure, the folks who own the place won’t be happy with you, but the people at the counter will usually just smile because they do the same thing at the competitor’s place down the street
• Avoid restaurants that offer table-service.   I’ve heard rumors that wait staff expect ‘tips’ in exchange for delivering the food to your table.  Rather, choose a restaurant that allows your entire family into the kitchen and lets you bring your food to the table yourself.  It’s much ‘funnier’, ‘cheaper’ and greatly narrows down your dining options.  Also, it's better than tossing someone not related to you 12 - 15% of the value of your meal for about 3 minute’s work.  If you have to utilize table-service remember to have your kids spill at least one drink each to justify the tip (don’t worry, the kids will do this for you anyway).

Oh, and one last thought… 

The next time you hit the self-serve drink dispenser, make sure you give it a quick tap in advance of filling YOUR cup to discharge any gnatty little ‘hangers-on’ that may be waiting there just for you. 

"Natural" Beef

Natural Beef

Men should not shop at grocery stores.  This isn’t because they're forbidden by some obscure governmental legislation, but because the casual male shopper finds the local grocery a frightening and confusing place.  Trust me on this; guys are not equipped with ‘grocery’ genes. 

Allow me to convey the following real life example:  Tonight as I wandered aimlessly through the grocery store I noticed something that rocked me on my heels.  Perhaps hundreds, maybe even thousands of other shoppers (feel free to insert the word ‘women’ here) had passed it prior to my arrival without so much as a second glance.   

As I entered the Meat department with my typical ‘I need to buy something, perhaps it can be meat, but what kind of meat?’ look on my face, I noticed something disturbing.  In the open refrigerated meat case with other pre-sliced cold cuts I read the following:  Pre-Sliced Roast Beef “ONLY $7.89 A POUND”.  Okay, on the whole that wasn’t too disturbing (but I’m pretty sure a pound of gasoline still costs less than this).  The thing that caught my eye was a circa-1970’s fluorescent orange sunburst sticker pasted on the front of the package featuring the words “NATURAL BEEF” in bold print.   

I know I’m not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree but, help me here, what would you make of this?  Since when does a store label food, beef no less, as “Natural”? 

Did the cow only eat organically grown Cow Chow? 

Did the cow actually spend some time outside, actively participating in NATURE?   

I want to know what makes this pre-sliced roast beef in the clear plastic caskets capapable of labeled as, “Natural Beef”? 

What other labels could they be keeping behind the butcher’s counter?  Do they have a supply of stickers describing the following ‘Beef’ types? 

• Un-Natural Beef = Beef from a cow that ate nothing but the stuff men eat when their moms, wives, or girlfriends aren't around
• Primordial Beef = Really old beef.  "It's not just aged -- it's petrified!" 
• Super Natural Beef = Beef from a cow that had an uncanny ability to predict the future, but was tragically inept at avoiding its own demise
• Free Range Beef = Beef from a cow that 'got around'
• Chipped Beef = Beef I remember from numerous Boy Scout camping trips that consisted of white pasty goo with beef sporting an un-natural brick-red color.  Also known as 'S.O.S.', but I'll say no more on this...
• Tipped Beef = Bruised beef from a cow located too close to a college almost anywhere in the U.S.  (If you have to ask you didn't go to a real college...) 

So the next time your mom, wife, or girlfriend asks you to go to the store, or you have a momentary lapse of reason and volunteer to run to the store for a few things; be prepared.  Be calm and don’t let grocery store employees see the fear that inevitably steals into the part of the brain that controls the ‘fight or flight’ response.  Repeat the following to yourself, ‘It is only a grocery store -- it’s only a grocery store. 

I made it through showers after high school gym class; I can make it through this.’  Next time you have to shop -- take command!  Upon entering the store, walk boldly up the butcher in the Meat Department and ask him to direct you to the ‘Natural Beef’ section.  If nothing else, you’ll appear to know what you’re doing – unless, of course your store only features regular ‘Beef’. 

At this point my friend, you are on your own.   

Avert your eyes, turn away and leave the store quickly.  And for goodness sake, don’t look at the Head Cheese in the deli counter – it has nothing to do with cheese; but everything to do with head.  And, you might want to find the 'Beer' aisle just so the trip isn't a complete waste...