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| Dirk Benedict - tanned, rested, and ready for the challenge ahead |
December 23, 2014: Stand by for Breaking News!
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The entire Earth today breathes a collective sigh of relief as United States' President Barack Obama announces that he has normalized relations with...
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The Cylon Empire!
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Using his pen and his (space) phone, the President of the United States has made the Solar System in which we all live - safe for all of humanity!
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When asked why this unique intergalactic strategy was necessary at this point in human history, Presidential Spokesperson, Alfred Dimwitty said the following in today's press conference, "The President has solved ALL major issues which he cares deeply about on Earth and felt it was time to set his sights higher than his predecessors. Barack Obama cares so much about US that he has proactively sent messages out to Cylon Ambassadors and he has outlined very specific conditions for Earth's unilateral surrender to the world-plundering, life-snuffing Cylon race of cybernetic organisms."
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Asked by one reporter if the spokesperson knew that Cylons were 'make-believe' villains of the science fiction series, "Battlestar Galactica", he responded, "Just because they were the 'bad guys' of a television series in the late 1970's AND the mid-2000's this does not make them any less real than you and I. After all, how do we know that the series was a FICTIONAL scenario? Those characters must have been based on something, and the President has chosen boldly to make peace with them BEFORE they attack our planet - we call it, "The Obama Interstellar Doctrine"."
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A man in overalls sitting in the front row of the briefing room raises his hand and asks "Yes, but, um, even if they are REAL - he's making peace by surrendering the Earth to them?"
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"Have you seen those monsters? They're shiny, buff-polished metal beasties and they carry laser-blaster weapons things - how can you expect us to possibly fight them since the President spent the past six years quietly downsizing our Military and destroying NASA!?!?" Dimwitty begins to look a tense as small flecks of spittle fly from his quickly moving lips. "For the love of God man, they have these Death Ship things which can blow the Earth clean out its orbit!!!"
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"Yeah, I watched the original show when I was in college, but, you know, they are not REAL beings - they originated in a place called H-O-L-L-Y-W-O-O-D," says the man in the overalls. "The Cylons in the original series were uncredited 'extras' wearing shiny plastic armor, black vinyl pants, with that light thing that went back and forth on their visors like in the Knight Rider car in that not-so-great TV series with David Hasselhoff."
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"THEY ARE A MENACE TO OUR EARTH AND THE PRESIDENT HAS SOLVED THE PROBLEM BEFORE IT BECAME A CRISIS!" Dimwitty shouts as his hands clench spasmodically on the podium in front of him. "THE PRESIDENT DID WHAT HE HAD TO DO TO SAVE US ALL!!!"
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"Huh, well, alrighty then... Might you be forgetting something Alfred? Something, excuse me, more specifically someone, equally important when it comes to threat-levels?" the man asks as he grins widely at Dimwitty.
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"AND WHAT, EXACTLY WOULD THAT BE!?!?" Dimwitty is screaming as he pushes his damp hair back from his forehead with one fidgeting hand. "AND WHY ARE YOU SMILING AT ME!?!?!"
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"Well, I don't want to upset you any more than you already are, but, how does the President plan on handling the Borg threat?" he asks this as he sits back down in the front row, crosses his arms and waits for what must certainly come next...
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A Secret Service Agent standing at the left side of the stage walks to the podium where the spokesperson is now shaking violently and is supported solely by the wooden structure in front of him. The agent pulls an iPhone out of his pocket and points to the device, instructing Dimwitty to look at the message which has just arrived. Dimwitty straightens and says, "It's the President, and he has another announcement he wants me to make in exactly one hour - it's IMPORTANT."
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The man in the overalls pushes himself up from the chair, stretches, turns from the podium and walks toward the nearest exit door. Seeing this, Dimwitty speaks loudly over the murmur which has erupted from the press reporters, "So where are YOU going - don't you want to be here for the next announcement?"
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"Nope. Buddy, over the past six years I've seen and heard this all before. Your boss makes up crises which do not exist, he ignores crises which do exist, he takes credit for whatever does (or does not) happen and then he moves on to the next 'crisis du jour' as he gazes thoughtfully into the camera / teleprompter reading some script that a lackie from Hollywood has written for him. You guys have got this thing down to a science. "Never let a crisis go to waste" isn't that what Rham Emanuel said? And in January, 2015, you're gonna have your hands full of crises with the Republicans running the House and Senate - your boss is actually going have to show who's side he's on now that Harry Reid's no longer able to bury the 300+ House Bills in his desk drawers. I have a feeling that a whole lot of stuff is going to pulled out of drawers over the next two years - and I'm pretty much okay with that," the man says as he tugs on the straps of his overalls, turns and begins to exit the room.
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"But, buth, what about the Borg?" Dimwitty asks.
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"Resistance is futile Alfred, don't you know that? Buddy, you don't have to worry about the Borg, what you've got to worry about is the rest of the 'Collective', you know, the people you guys haven't listened to for almost six full years. The worker bees are angry, the cops are angry, the people you've persecuted with the IRS, the veterans you've lied to with the VA, and guys like me who want nothing more to be left alone so we can raise our families with OUR values, not those of the folks at PETA, PLANNED PARENTHOOD, CAIR, AL SHARPTON's ACTION NETWORK, UNIONS, and any other 'Rules for Radicals' drones you plan on tossing in front of us. We're done with you, we're taking our country back from you and your fleshy-headed mutant friends," the man's words echo across the room then the door slams shut behind him.
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Somewhere in a room above the briefing center, the next crisis arrives, caused by, expedited by, and mishandled by...
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| Barack 'Locutus' Obama |
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