Thursday, January 17, 2013

Fifty Shades of Hay

A few weeks ago my wife came home and told me that she heard about a book from the "Girls at work" that she thought she might buy.  Why?  Because it was about 'relationships', of course.  Sure, after a mere 48 years of marriage, my wife wants to learn about "Relationships".

Really?  Relationships?  I'd have thought she'd have ENOUGH of relationships by now (being married to me).   

The premise of the book, she told me was different than 'regular romance novels' as it had to do with, she believed, relationships regarding people who were older - presumably like US.  

"Why do you believe it's about 'crabby old people' relationships?", I asked.

"Because of the title of the book, and what the girls at work were saying, of course." she replied.

"This wouldn't be that "Fifty Shades of Gray" series, would it?" I wondered aloud.

"Oh, so you already know about it?!?!" my wife asked with her eyes widening.  She seemed happy to learn that I had a CLUE as to another topic (besides politics) on which we could 'share'. 

"Yes.  After 57 years of marriage, you, above all other people, should KNOW that I 'know everything' by now."  I said.  

[Note to self:  Dig out old wedding invitation and find out how long we actually HAVE been married.  "57 Years?"  Is that all?  Some days seems like longer than that - well, at least for her.]

"Oh yeah, sometimes I forget, but you're always there to remind me, aren't you?" she replied.  

"Uh-huh.  And just so you know, that book you're talking about isn't really about 'normal relationships', at least based upon the comments from the hens I hear clucking around the blogyard at work.  Well, not unless being restrained, tied up, and otherwise 'in bondage' is something you feel good about, of course." I said. 

"Oh, I didn't know that." my wife said.  

"I was kind of hoping that you didn't." I said.  "Because after 63 years of marriage, I don't know if my system could take the shock of finding out that I was married to some kind of lunatic pre-vert."

I found the following 'plot summary' excerpt online (where else?) and showed it to my wife:   

"The tension between Ana and Christian eventually comes to a head after Ana asks Christian to punish her in order to show her how extreme a BDSM relationship with him could be. Christian fulfills Ana's request, beating her with a belt, only for Ana to realize that the two of them are incompatible. Devastated, Ana leaves Christian and returns to the apartment she shares with Kate."

Oh, for the love of God, someone, please, stick pins in my eyes.  Yeah, this is what I want my wife (or anyone for that matter) reading in their spare time.  Turns out that this book and its requisite spin-off sequels have outsold the Harry Potter series of books worldwide.


Whether my wife actually knew what the book was about or not, I don't know.  But I suspect that if 'the girls at work' were talking about this GREAT READ about relationships, my wife is smart enough to 'read into' the storyline as to what the heck they were talking about.  

Perhaps she only heard a 'bit of their conversation' vs. the whole "Whip me, beat me, hurt me, show me how much you care!" plot?  

I'd like to believe this is the case.  

In the end, after 72 years of marriage, I still don't read 'her stuff' and she doesn't read 'mine' (I'm hoping this rule extends to this post).  So if she was thinking she was going to sneak some middle-aged-Twilight-Saga-sado-bondage-relationship stuff into our house, I guess that I wrecked this bit of erotica for her.

Just one request of you if I may?  If you ever call my house and my wife tells you that I can't come to the phone because, "He's all tied up at the moment..."  

Call 911.

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