Tuesday, July 24, 2012

The Thrill of Victory, the Agony of Deflate

Welcome to the Olympic Village!!!
(Does it look like Mickey Mouse grew a second head to you too?)

London, England, July 27 - August 12, 2012:   Athletes from around the WORLD converge in London to participate in the 2012 Olympic Summer Games!!! 

Highly-trained and dedicated, these Olympic Gold seekers represent the finest of their respective nation's athletic prowess.  Each participant is poised to compete with other Olympians as never before both on, and off, the field of competition.

Each tanned, trained, and physically AWESOME team member is prepared to challenge other Olympians in a venue like no other as they get down and dirty at... 

THE 2012 OLYMPIC GAMES!!!      
(Please read the preceding aloud with a LOT of reverb to experience its full effect...)

American Olympians will be in England dressed as America's RICHEST castaways (Thurston Howell, III and 'Lovey' - the ORIGINAL poster-kids for the Richest 1%). 

For this year's Olympics, the Professor, Mary Ann, Ginger, the Skipper, and Gilligan (the 99%) are nowhere to be seen, but Ralph Lauren, taking his fashion cues from 1960's RICHEST TV Americans (as of this writing the Clampett family is unavailable for comment) recreated their bold look anew in 2012 for our Olympians!!!

Hey, but don't take my word for it...

The NEW Howells!!!

The ORIGINAL Howells

In doing research for the post which follows, I  was very surprised to find that a few Olympic Hopefuls took a 'minimalist approach' to their Olympic clothing for a recent ESPN Photo Shoot. 

Why wear white pants, blue blazers, and funny hats when you can get your photo taken by ESPN... 

While you're completely naked?  (Photo courtesy of ESPN via The Daily News)

The 2012 US Women's Volley Ball Team
Yes, they've got balls...  Three of 'em

I guess the photo above, and the one below, set up the rest of the post as well as anything...

You’ve been hearing a lot about Olympian sex around here lately, from anonymous accounts of how much sex is had to a list of facts to know about how much sex is had. What it boils down to: there’s a lot of sex happening in Olympic Village, and with a lot of sex comes a lot of condoms – 100,000 condoms provided to athletes at the Beijing Olympics, to be exact.

The liberal rubber provision, however, never seems to be enough. This may be because athletes really are getting down and dirty at such incredibly prodigious rates, or because they take all the condoms as a joke just so the supply will run out (and people like us will then write “WHOA LOOK AT ALL THIS OLYMPIC-STYLE BANGIN’” posts as a result).

Either way, what’s clear is that the condom supply tends to run out.

So what solution did Olympic-condom-provider Durex devise?

Simple, according to the Daily Mail, provide a whole damn mess of condoms:  In a sign of what the world’s fittest sportsmen and women get up to in the Olympic village, a record 150,000 free condoms – 15 for each competitor – have been made available to them.

Yes, each competitor will receive 50% MORE condoms than they did just four years ago in Beijing at the 2008 games.  Super. 

And if this isn't enough, Durex has committed to shipping as many more condoms as 'participants' may NEED during this year's Olympic 'Jump-A-Thon'.  

Okay, who wants to 'Go a few rounds' with Ronda Rousey?

Tales of shenanigans at the living quarters for 10,000 super-fit young men and women have always abounded, and London doesn’t look as if it will be any different.

U.S. women’s soccer star Hope Solo recently dished about serious partying at the Beijing Games, and some newly arrived athletes say they can hardly wait for the fun to begin.

“The Olympics is the height of your career, so you might do some things you don’t usually do,” British beach volleyball player Shauna Mullin said with a giggle Wednesday.

Most, like Mullin, will restrain from going too far, aware they’re in the international spotlight.

Still, there’s no need to be prudish, according to the man overseeing the health of the Brazilian team.

“[Sex] is common at the Olympics. It’s necessary. It’s natural,” Dr. Joao Olyntho Machado Neto said. “If you are going to be healthy people, why not make sex? ... Brazil is very tolerant with sex as a country. We don’t have Victorian minds and we’re not religious.”

Ivory Coast swimmer Kouassi Brou was one of the youngest competitors in Beijing at 16, but he’s grown up now.

And ready for some Olympic love.

“In 2008 I was so young and so shy, so I didn’t interact with the women,” the 20-year-old Brou said. “But now I’m a big man. So I can try. I will try.”

Okay, easy now 'big man', take a breath, count to 15 (condoms) and take a shower.  Then, um, go swim some laps. 

As I cobbled this post together over the past couple of days, a thought occurred to me: 

Why would 'The World' want to prevent the fastest, leanest, and most physically-fit Olympians from procreating? 

I thought Globalist-New-World-Order-types were looking forward to creating a master race of Super Babies?  What better venue than the Olympic Games?  And you know, with all this choice 'Horse Flesh' in one place... 

Giving these people 1.25 Dozen condoms (each) flies in the face of Margaret Sanger's vision for a Utopian society where only the healthy, wealthy, and wise are able to reproduce unimpeded.  Giving these people condoms is like neutering a prize race horse.  Olympians and horses must be allowed to 'run'. 

Although, I did take a moment to look up our 'Big Guy', Kouassi Brou, above.  I believe I figured out why Olympic Officials do not want HIM to procreate...  See if you can figure it out, keeping in mind what Planned Parenthood's mission is:


That's right, you guessed it!!! 

Kouassi Brou, is tragically devoid of any fashion sense.  These colors are just not working with his skin tone.  Anyone can see this. 

He should not be allowed to have children until he's spent some time interning at Ralph Lauren's Olympic Sweat Shop (in China).  He must learn to accessorize like the rich and famous! 

Yeah, his current 'look'?  It's just NOT working.  'Orchid' is just soooooo 1982.  NO procreation for you young man...  Leave your condoms in your 'dorm' - you won't need them this Olympics either. 

I have found one other possible explanation, however, which may explain the Olympic Committee's desire to keep the Olympic 'ponies stabled' for the 2012 Olympic Games.  



Yes, strange Olympic Condom Crop Circles are appearing in fields all across England.  A warning from Extraterrestrials that we are not alone AND that we need to minimize the effects of Over-Population? 

Yes, I believe so. 

We are being warned that they WILL come and take all of our National Resources (beginning with Ronda Rousey, pictured above).  They want us to be good stewards of our Planet until they claim it for themselves. 

Then, of course, they'll come Kouassi Brou.  To study his unique fashion stylings.       

Lastly, they'll come for our three-balled  Women's Olympic Volley Ball Team.  Aliens have a sense of humor. 

Don't ask me how I know this.

I just DO...

Proof-positive that aliens with advanced gene-splicing
procedures have a sense of humor...
Oh, the horror.

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