Clink'd

Several weeks back I wrote a couple of blog posts, the first 'Clink, Clank, Clunk' discussed pending legislation which would provide YOU a piece of TARP money for your very own! (APPLAUSE)

The second provided a DETAILED ANALYSIS (with actual facts, which I looked up! And, yes, I admit, a few I MADE up) of the plan and was entitled, simply enough, 'Clunk.'. (YET EVEN MORE APPLAUSE)

After the last post I left it alone because when it comes to giving people FREE stuff (and Congress is involved in this a LOT); well, once those wheels start turning it's hard to stop them. This being said, the bill passed the House and Senate and was signed into law by President Obama.

The interesting about the bill was HOW it was actually passed... For the purposes of accuracy I now quote the nice folks at The Washington Post:

"Congressional leaders attached the legislation to a $106 billion spending bill to fund troops in Iraq and Afghanistan. The spending bill passed by a 91 to 5 vote but not before some Republican lawmakers unsuccessfully sought to strip the measure from the bill."

"Let's not add a billion dollars of unnecessary debt," said Sen. Judd Gregg (R-N.H.) during the Senate floor debate.

Dealers, unions, trade groups and automakers have been lobbying for months for the legislation in hopes that it would stop the streak of dismal U.S. auto sales. "The simple fact is that we need to get Americans into car showrooms, and this is the bill that will do it," Rep. Candice S. Miller (R-Mich.), a co-sponsor of the legislation, said in a statement.

So the CARS Act was passed by burying it in a spending bill which provided funds to American troops in Iraq and Afghanistan... How many members of Congress would stand up and say "I will NOT fund our troops overseas and in harms way, BUT we'll give 'em a discount to upgrade their Hummers!"? Expected life expectancy of the politician making this statement is roughly the same as that of the ever-popular Mayfly.

Details of the CARS act were released on Friday of last week. Car dealers' showrooms were busy with shoppers hoping to turn in their OLD vehicle and getting their personalized TARP bailout in the amount of 3,500 or 4,500 dollars towards the purchase of a new vehicle. Unfortunately for the dealers, the Government didn't release program specifics until 7am Friday morning and NONE of them had time to read it in time to answer car shoppers' questions on Friday.

Jumping ahead a couple of days, I have heard that several local car dealerships have anywhere from 12 - 20 new deals pending (each) since announcement of the program last Friday. Gee, that's GREAT! Right?

Yeah, you'd think...

But here's the rub: Apparently whoever set up the government CARS online submission service didn't PLAN for the volume of request which are coming in. The result is that local car dealers who are entering the multiple screens of required vehicle information, insurance information, license information to verify that the vehicle qualifies for the 'Rebate' then the system BURPS and the data is gone.

The dealer begins entering the data again, and again, and again, and again...You get the picture, right?

So here's a car dealer who Congress has put on the hook for at LEAST $3,500 not knowing if he'll ever get this vehicle input online to get HIS check from the government. This, of course, to reimburse him for the commitment that he's made to the car shopper (at the request of the FEDS). If he (or she) has delivered the vehicle and doesn't get the electronic submission in prior to the $1 Billion in Rebates being used up...

Well, suffice it to say that his (or her) auto shopper got one HECK of a deal because that dealer won't be receiving a penny of assistance from Uncle Sam. AND he no longer has a re-sellable vehicle because the trade has been scrapped (again, at the request of Uncle Sam).

Thanks Mr. Dealer, you ROCK!

For those of you who think it's SUPER GROOVY COOL that the government wants to get involved in your health care, allow me to submit to you the following:

1. The guidelines for the CARS program are 136 pages long (each 'competing' health care bill is over 1,000 pages in length (no one in Congress has admitted to reading all of them as yet))

2. The government didn't adequately prepare for a $1 Billion program (I'm sure they'll do a much better job for a $1 Trillion program -- sure, what's a couple more ZEROs?)

3. The CARS program (with 136 pages in guidelines) has created the need for THREE more government divisions under the NHTSA. (Again, these THREE divisions are to manage a Congress-sponsored 136-page set of regulations).

Excerpting from the documentation provided on the CARS site: "In order to implement this new program, NHTSA has had to quickly create a new organization. NHTSA has established the Office of the Car Allowance Rebate System within the Office of Enforcement. The new office will consist of three divisions.

The Transaction Oversight Division will work closely with the contractor NHTSA has retained to review incoming requests for payment from dealers to ensure that those requests are reviewed correctly and in a timely way.

The Data Analysis and Reporting Division will review data generated in connection with the program to help ensure the system’s efficiency and detect problems with the process or indications of potential compliance issues. That division will also produce reports on all aspects of the system.

The Compliance Division will work to detect and deter possible noncompliance related to the program and coordinate closely with NHTSA’s Office of Chief Counsel when possible violations are found. That division will also coordinate closely with the DOT’s Office of Inspector General on issues related to possible fraud in connection with the program."

4. So what does the government request that the dealer do with the vehicle he/she has collected from the consumer for $3,500? "Key to the program's long-term success will be the death mandated for the clunker: After its oil is drained and replaced with sodium silicate, the engine is run until it seizes. The vehicle must be crushed or shredded."

Okay, for purposes of conversation let's assume that your car dealer isn't trying to wrangle a $3,500 check from the government to cover the $3,500 he (or she) loaned the program. Sure, the car dealer's on his (her) own -- let them haggle with the government... You got your new Mercury Milan!

But let's assume instead that you're waiting to get an organ transplant...

Do you really want the doctor doing the haggling to get you your 'part'? Or you? And now go back and re-read 'Number 4' above. What if they were talking about Y-O-U instead of your car? Personally, I don't feel too good about being 'crushed or shredded'.

Oh wait, here's an idea, how about we let the government do what they're best at -- spending our money and creating 'guidelines' for OTHER new programs (besides health care)? Maybe doctors and hospitals might possibly have a better handle on which health care options patients might actually need?

Naaaaaaaah! I trust Congress. Don't you?

07/29/09 Update: For feedback on just how well things are going with this spiffy new government-sponsored program, please feel free to visit Edmunds.com! See how your fellow-citizens are faring! Meet interesting new people! Run screaming into the street!

My oh my...

SpongeBob Squarepants, MD

Your child returns home from a couple of hours of playing at a friend's house. He walks past you as you're putting the final touches on his favorite meal, Macaroni and Cheese.

"Hey kiddo, glad to see you're back home. Did you have a good time at Billy's house?" you ask.

"Yeah, but I'm not feeling so great" he responds as he slowly walks by.

"Okay, well, you'd better wash up because I'm making Mac and Cheese tonight!" your expectation is that this, if nothing else, will make Tommy a bit more animated...

Then you hear the words which send a shockwave of fear through your very soul, "Nah, I'm not really hungry, I think I'll just go ahead and go to sleep after I take a shower.

"You stare at the child realizing that he has either been:
a.) Taken over by lactose-intolerant space aliens,
b.) Eaten an entire frozen pizza at Billy's and is afraid to tell you about it, or
c.) Your child, your pride and joy, the heir to the throne, is getting 'sick'.

"Hey Dude, come on in here for a minute, I want to take a look at you" you request in a serious, yet friendly voice.

"Dad, I'm really tired, I just want to go to bed" he says this sheepishly but moves towards you nonetheless.

You look at little Tommy and realize that he does look tired and his cheeks are a bit 'flushed'. "Tommy, I think you might be coming down with something, what do you say we check it out?"

"Oh, come on Dad, I'm just tired, that's all. Can't I just get cleaned up and go to bed?" he asks pleadingly.

"No Tommy. We need to get you cleaned up and then we need to take your temperature to see if you have a fever. You look a little 'pink' to me, and I need to see if your temp is actually up or if you were just playing too hard at Billy's house.

"The creases in your son's face are erased as you detect the first sign of hope that maybe, just maybe, this won't be so bad at all.

"Okay Dad, but, but, butt, can we call SpongeBob Squarepants, MD?"

"Sure pal, let's dive into the old medicine cabinet and pull Dr. Squarepants out... I'll get the KY!" You say this as the concerns of the prior five minutes waft away like a half-remembered dream.

"Dad?" Tommy asks.

"Yes son" you reply.

"Can we have music tonight?" he asks.

"Dude, you can have all the music you want -- although it may be a bit muffled for a minute..."

"Thanks Dad, you're the best!"

(Dad thinkingto himself: "No Tommy. SpongeBob Squarepants is the best! But YOU'RE second-best!)

And now, the Rest of the Story...
The folks at Becton and Dickenson Medical (trusted since 1897!) have created the ultimate in children's temperature taking equipment (CTTE): The SpongeBob Squarepants Digital Thermometer!

Yes, it's true, now Patrick's (the cross-dressing StarFish) BFF can be you and your child's MFF (Medical Friend Forever) too! Don't believe me? Well then, check it out!

Click here (it's worth it!):  JEEPERS SPONGEBOB THERMOMETER REVIEW!

Not wanting anyone to be senselessly injured in not knowing the correct procedures for using this, or I'm assuming, ANY digital thermometer, please accept the following instructions, courtesy of the BD website:

TAKE TEMPERATURE BY ORAL, UNDERARM (AXILLARY) OR RECTAL METHOD

Oral Method:Place thermometer probe under tongue. Probe tip should rest in "correct area" as shown in diagram. Hold the thermometer in the same spot under your tongue with your mouth closed.

Underarm (Axillary) Method:
(Alternative method for babies or very young children. Although simpler, the axillary method is less accurate and takes longer.)

Make sure the underarm is dry and there is no material between the chest and arm. Point the thermometer upward and place the tip well into the patient's underarm. Fold patient's arm over chest to hold the thermometer in place and keep air away from the underarm.

Many people find hugging the child while taking the temperature helps assure it is taken correctly and also comforts the child. When using this method, hold the thermometer securely in place for 4 minutes (ignore beeps).

Rectal Method:
(Recommended for babies or very young children who breathe through their mouth)

Lubricate the tip of the thermometer with a water soluble jelly such as K-Y® Jelly. Do not use petroleum jelly. The patient should lie on his/her side, knees slightly bent. If the patient is a baby, place the infant on its stomach with legs hanging down, either across your knees or at the edge of a bed or changing table. This positions the baby's rectum properly for safe and easy insertion of the thermometer.

With one hand, gently slide the tip of the thermometer no more than 1/2 inch into the rectum. If you detect resistance of any kind, STOP. Hold thermometer in place during temperature measurement. Once used rectally, the thermometer should not be used orally, for sanitary reasons.

Please take a moment to allow that last line to sink in...

Your Moos of the Day blog -- Always looking out for you. (Sorry O'Reilly)

Thanks to my son, Jon (not Tommy), who found the above video link and thought it would be funny to include here.

I am so proud of him...

Moo

Ask Not For Whom the Card AARPs -- It AARPs For Me...

It's h-e-r-e ("Stay away from the light Michael James, stay away from the light")!

There are no bodies popping out of the ground in the back yard (we bury 'em deep here in Vestal). But, as I type this, I see the AARP card application on the dining room table 'winking' at me through its little plastic casket of an envelope.
Being up for a mystery on a Monday morning, I decided to open said casket and determine what 'horrors' awaited me. I opened the casket and the bones fell out. The folks at AARP were nice enough to include a Temporary Membership Card (I guess they figure that 'time's a wastin' and I need all the benefits I can get, as SOON as I can get them, now that I've turned the BIG 5-0.) Or maybe, they're getting it to me early so I'll remember getting it -- while I still 'get it'.

Whatever the reason, the American Association of RETIRED People believes that I should be a member of their fine organization.But I'm left here wondering... Why?

a.) I AM an American citizen (now that that pesky Homeland Security 'Audit' is completed)

b.) I AM associated with other people by virtue of my employment.

c.) I AM a 'people' (I need to rather loosely define the word 'people' since other than sharing DNA with some other folks on the planet, I don't really know anyone else quite like me -- this, for all of your sakes, is a good thing)

d.) But (and this butt is HUGE), I am NOT retired.

So, how can I belong to an organization for which I don't even meet the components of the NAME of the organization?

This, I believe, requires more in-depth research...WHY should I become a member (according to the cover letter (which also doubles curiously as an Invoice))?

AARP MEMBER BENEFITS:
1.) AARP is fighting for MY American Dream! (Whoa, what a lofty goal!)
2.) AARP offers information and resources (A 'magazine')
3.) AARP discounts on travel and other services (But I don't GO anywhere...)
4.) AARP access to health-related benefits (Benefits I can BUY as a member)
5.) AARP access to financial programs (Benefits I can BUY as a member (i.e.: Motorcycle insurance -- yeah, like I'll need THAT...))
6.) AARP community programs and services (Safe driving course and 'volunteer opportunities'! But, I 'volunteer' now... Would I have to get this approved by the AARP in the future?)

So for $16 per year ($43 for three years OR $$63 for five years) I too can be a card-carrying AARP member!

But here's the thing (there's always a 'thing' isn't there?): AARP is MOSTLY a lobbying organization. (Although their lobbying efforts are sometimes deferred while they sell eye, life, health, dental, motorcycle, and other 'group insurance policies' to their members.)

And according to the folks at Wikipedia: "Dr. Ethel Percy Andrus founded AARP in 1958. AARP evolved from the National Retired Teachers Association (NRTA), which Andrus had established in 1947 to promote her philosophy of productive aging, and in response to the need of retired teachers for health insurance. After ten years, Andrus opened the organization to all Americans over 50, creating AARP.

Today, NRTA is a division within AARP. According to Andy Rooney, AARP was established by insurance salesman Leonard Davis in 1958, after he met Ethel Percy Andrus. Ms. Andrus was at the time helping teachers get health insurance through the National Retired Teachers Association. According to Rooney, Davis saw the opportunity to sell medical insurance to the elderly rather than just retired teachers and for that purpose put in $50,000 establishing AARP.
According to Rooney, Davis established the Colonial Penn Insurance Co. in order to control AARP, selling millions of dollars in insurance to its members through advertisings in AARP's magazine Modern Maturity and for several years Colonial Penn Insurance Co. became one of the most profitable in the U. S.

In 1978, after a 60 Minutes report exposé, AARP got rid of Colonial Penn Insurance Co. and signed up with Prudential Insurance Co.[3]"

Super -- a teachers union and insurance company joined together to create AARP? Two of my favorite things - joined genetically by a single philosophical premise: To take money from old people (like me)...

That's just wrong.

Borrowing a few words from GROUCHO MARX:
"I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member..." and,
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough. "

Clunk...

A few weeks ago I wrote a post entitled "Clink, Clank, Clunk" regarding the efforts of the House of Representatives' to get YOU a piece of the TARP bailout billions. Yesterday, the House (MOTTO: "There's Nooo Money Like Your Money, Like Nooo Money We Blow") approved a bill by a vote of 298 - 119 which would, in effect, give you money which, in actuality, the government 'doesn't have'.

Q.: Mike, why would the government want to give me money to buy a new car?
A.: To encourage you to buy a GM or Chrysler vehicle to protect the $50Billion they've already pumped into those two companies to keep them from failing.

Q.: Why were GM and Chrysler and GM failing?
A.: Because GM and Chrysler have made inferior products (when compared to the Japanese, Korean, and a certain American Auto Maker smart enough NOT to take bail-out money) and have on average an embedded cost of $1,700 per vehicle manufactured to pay for UAW (United Auto Workers) healthcare and benefit costs. ($1,700 PER vehicle of 'overhead' prior to ever paying for a single 'bolt' -- Sing with me now: "Look for the Union Label...")

Q.: So, are GM and Chrysler financially stable now?
A.: No. However, analysts are expecting you (oh, sorry, I meant the 'Federal Government') to pump in an additional, meager, $50 BILLION into both companies by the end of calendar 2009.

Q.: Umm, that doesn't sound good at all, does it?
A.: No. And don't ask any more annoying questions which you already know the answers to.

Q.: Will I be able to get money if I buy a new car, truck, or van?
A.: Yes, provided it gets better gas mileage than the vehicle you are driving today. (Your old 'clunker')

Q.: How much money will I get, and how much better mileage would I need to get in a new vehicle to qualify for the TARP Lotto?
A.: Under the guidelines of the current bill approved yesterday, you would receive $3,500 for purchasing a car which, on average, gets 4 or more miles per gallon than the vehicle you're trading in. If the vehicle gets 10 or more miles per gallon, you will receive a $4,500 hand-out (I, of course, mean 'incentive') from Uncle Sam.

Q.: Why is Congress doing this?
A.: There is a three-part answer to this very pesky question:
1. Because it's not their money
2. To stimulate new vehicle sales for GM and Chrysler
3. To SAVE the planet (and life as we know it)

Q.: But would I get a hand-out (incentive) if I purchased a non-GM or non-Chrysler vehicle?
A.: Umm, yes

Q.: Have GM and Chrysler designed new vehicles, re-negotiated labor contracts, and in general, lowered their associated manufacturing costs to be more competitive with Japanese manufacturers, or even (gasp!) Ford Motor Company? I guess what I'm wondering is... has anything changed with these two companies since they took their FIRST $50Billion from us? And are there any provisions on the next $50Billion they're expecting to receive?
A.: Again, please stop asking questions which you already know the answers to...

Q.: O-k-a-y. So how does this bill result in the sale of more cars for GM and Chrysler?
A.: It doesn't, but it will SAVE the planet!

Q.: Because, all things being equal, I'm buying a Japanese, Ford, or other 'off-shore' branded vehicle with higher gas mileage and lower initial cost. This wouldn't help GM or Chrysler, would it?
A.: No, but remember the planet! It will be saved!

Q.: Yeah, right.
A.: (Ding-ding-ding) I'm sorry, but you must state your inquiry in the 'Form of a question', please.

Q.: Assuming that these incentives are made available to me, can I get financing for a new vehicle?
A.: Is your credit excellent?

Q.: I've got a credit score of around 620. Is that considered 'excellent'?
A.: Ah, no.

Q.: Well, how can I pay for the car if I don't get financing?
A.: You will need to call the White House and apply for a federally-insured: "I need a new car but can't buy one because my credit isn't great and the economy is in the dumper and no one in DC seems to care and all they do is spend more money they don't have AND I can't improve my credit score by getting a better job because the economy is still in recession 'cause the Stimulus Bill didn't fix anything" loan.

Q.: Can you repeat that for me? My pen just ran out of ink.
A.: No. Just call the White House and tell them you want money.

Q.: Is it really that easy?
A.: Yeah. It's easy when it's not YOUR money you're giving away in the first place.

Q.: What will this CARS Act (Clunker Bill) cost this year?
A.: In U.S. dollars? Or, in Canadian dollars?

Q.: Do I look like I'm from Canada?
A.: Well, you don't look like an American. You don't appear to be 'needy' enough...

Q.: Come on, what's the number?!?
A.: This year the House is projecting the Clunker Bill payouts to run about $4Billion.

Q.: So will the White House spend $4Billion less on the payouts to GM and Chrysler this year? Since it's being spent on their behalf anyway?
A.: Ha, ha, ha, you are one funny guy! No, they'll spend that money too. Doing the Math in my head, that'll be approximately $72Billion in US dollars.

Q.: But didn't you say it was $50Billion PLUS $4Billion, wouldn't that be $54Billion?
A.: We're talking about the government here. You forgot the seed capital for the new "Gas From Cows" Bill. And before you ask, it's really long tube to collect 'Gas from Cows' to power electrical generators and...

Q.: Save the planet?
A.: Exactly!

Q.: Does the Federal Government have it? You know, the money?
A.: The presses are rolling as I type this.

Q.: Sigh
A.: No, that's incorrect, correct question was 'Sigh?'

For an overview of this Boondoggle in the making, here's the article I found on MSN.com this morning... Clunk