My Wife's Drunken Balls

Balls.  As far as the camera lens can see.

It wasn't my fault. 

I promised myself that THIS Holiday Season would be different.

It all began so innocently and THEN...

My wife conned me into shopping with her again.

"Come with me, I need to go food shopping..." she says. 

The conversation begins the way it always does,  "How come you can't shop by yourself?  I'm a man dang it, and a man should be at home providing for his family, hunting, farming, raising goats and such.  Why must you torment me so?  A man does NOT spend time wandering aimlessly through the local grocery store unless he's looking for BEER, Cheez Its or something, you know, important..."

"You want beer?" she asks. 

"No.  I was merely being illustrative." I say in response.

"You want to live?" she says.

"Uh-huh!" I say.

"Get in the car - we're leaving.  The man drives the car to the grocery store with his wife..." she continues.

Suddenly I'm struck by a bit of dialogue from a film starring Anthony Hopkins and Jodie Foster, "It puts the lotion on its skin..."

"Okay, okay, I'm moving, will you allow me to carry you downstairs too???" I ask.

"Nah, I'll walk this time."  she says as she hoists her 72-pound pocket book over her  right shoulder.

"Great.  Um, I mean, THANK YOU dear..." I say as any residual testosterone wafts from my body through my open pores.  "Hey, what are we shopping for, anyway?"

"Thanksgiving is coming and I found a recipe I want to make." she says.

"You're cooking, the, um, t-u-r-k-e-y?" I ask, wondering how I dodged the bullet for the first time during our 'something-like' 71 years of marriage.

"No.  I'm making 'Rum Balls'.  With actual R-U-M.  And I need lots of other stuff." she says.  "Any questions Mister?"

"No mam.  I am here for YOU!" Apparently there was a bit of testosterone left, because it now dribbled out from my left eye, ran onto my cheek, and fell unceremoniously onto the floor next to my left foot.  I thought about dabbing it up with a piece of bread and re-ingesting it, but hey, I've got my pride.  Right?  Ah, never mind. 

FAST FORWARD TWO HOURS AND FIFTEEN MINUTES...

For future reference, you need Vanilla Wafers to make 'Rum Balls'.  Yeah, just so YOU know. 

If you had mentioned it to me sooner, I could have saved some excitement this afternoon...

"WHAT are YOU eating?" she asks as I shovel the first of seven Vanilla Wafers into my open maw.

"A healthy Granola snack?" I say, knowing she's already seen the golden buttery goodness of the first wafer pass across my lips. 

"You're eating the Vanilla Wafers, aren't you?"

"Well, if you're going to get 'all technical' then, yes, I'm eating Vanilla Wafers which but for the lacking a bit of grit, sticks and twigs COULD have come from a plant which ALSO manufactured healthy Granola Snacks." I say.  

"THOSE are for MY rum balls!" she shouts as the remaining six Vanilla Wafers are whisked from my hand back into the mere-seconds-before-opened Vanilla Wafer box.

"Fine.  I don't even LIKE Vanilla Wafers." I say, trying rise above the abrupt 'De-Waffering' which has just befallen me.  [I will admit, though, that first (and only) Vanilla Wafer was mighty tasty...]

"You know we went SHOPPING to get stuff for the Rum Balls, right?" she asks.

"Uh-huh, yup, I got that.  I WAS there, remember?"  I say. 

"So why did you think it would be okay to EAT the Vanilla Wafers KNOWING that they need to go into the Rum Balls?" her eyes on the verge of tears, she wants to know why I assaulted the happy yellow Keebler box.

So I tell her.  "Listen, you bought Vanilla Wafers for the first time in three years.  I thought you were being NICE to me.  

"No, THOSE are for MY RUM BALLS..." She says as she turns to walk back into the kitchen. As she walks away she calls back over her shoulder, "I'm not scheduled to be nice to you again until some time after Christmas."

Yeah, so I've got THAT going for me...

Surprisingly enough, the Rum Ball recipe requires something called, "RUM".  Okay, probably not a huge surprise, but the hugest surprise of our shopping adventure was that a bottle of the aforementioned amber fluid cost almost $20.  Just one more reason my annual alcohol intake is just shy of a six-pack of 'Whatever beer is on SALE on January 1st'.  Yes, I drink about five beers per year.  So there.  My liver loves me...  

I forgot what real 'hooch' costs since I don't normally buy the stuff.  After spending a half hour staring at a rum selection which includes about 29 different types, styles, and sizes of rum we settle upon the following bottle of booze: 

BARCARDI OAK HEART

SPICED RUM $18.95

(Plus Tax)

My wife sequestered herself in the kitchen, measured, mashed, and mixed the required ingredients together to create an ARMY of Rum Balls (see actual photo at beginning of post).  There were hundreds of the things (actually, it was more like 2 dozen, but for the amount of time it took my wife to shop, mix, and make them, I could have built an FM radio out of a string of old Christmas lights, roll of duct tape, three bubble gum wrappers and fourteen paper clips - but that's just ME). 

The funny thing is that after our trip to the liquor store, Wal Mart, and my exile into the family room, my wife used THIS MUCH rum in the dang BALLS she had to make for this Thanksgiving (illustrated as the missing fluid between the two RED arrows in the photo below)...

 

 

 

 

And the answer to the question I KNOW you NEED to have answered for you?

 

YES, there were PLENTY of Vanilla Wafers for me once my wife's drunken BALLS were made.  They (the Vanilla Wafers) were wonderful.

 

Unfortunately, my wife planned on making MORE Rum Balls on the day before Thanksgiving (this would have been an important message to share with me the day BEFORE I polished off the remaining Wafers). 

 

Seeing nothing but an empty yellow Keebler box sitting atop the recycling bin, she drank the remaining $17.95 worth of rum (by herself) and then passed out face-down on the Cooking Channel home page.

 

I guess in reality, that's what the Holidays are about, creating cherished memories and sharing them with your loved ones (and people who sometimes stop by to read your posts here).

 

Well, actually I was pulling your leg in the paragraph above.  She didn't drink $17.95 worth of rum by herself and pass out on the Cooking Channel home page. 

 

She was actually on the Food Network's home page.

 

Happy Thanksgiving folks!

 

I'm going to miss you when she kills me after reading this...

 

Looks like she won't get that chance to be 'nice to me' post-Christmas after all.

 

 

    



Mourning Has Broken

Okay.

Enough.

I get it. 

Our 'guy' lost.

It sucks to be US (as in the "United States") right now. 

I hear.  I understand. 

I, I, feeeeeel your pain.

But enough already. 

Our Nation hobbled through its first four years of 'Dope and Chains', it'll crawl through the next four of this President's 'Forward!' momentum as well.

Sure, we're faced with challenges others in our Nation's history haven't seen before..  But, hey, we're tough as nails, right?  We can do this!!! 

After all, as we've learned over the past four years: 

"When the going gets weird - the weird turn PRO" 
And your Third Grade Art teacher said you'd never amount
to anything...  You 'paste-eater' you! 

But, NOT TO WORRY - the President has a plan for dealing with each the following 'kind-of-sort-of-really-big-deals' going forward:

• National Debt increasing at $1TRILLION+ per year
• The largest tax increases in HISTORY
• Really 'uncomfortably large' cuts in military spending
• The slowest Economic Recession recovery in the history of the United States
• George Lucas selling "Star Wars" to Mickey

The President's time-tested solutions?

Really, you want the President's solution to each of the above crises?

Okay, but remember, you ASKED me to go here...

• Our current National Debt levels are NOT a problem for 'President Obama' - they continue to be GW Bush's fault (exit polling says it's true!)
• The expiration of the Bush-era Tax cuts?  Once again, President Bush's fault!
• Cuts in military spending?  Ah, the safety of America and American Citizens is over-rated.  Take Japan as a prime example, they don't even have a REAL military of their own!  Think of the money they're saving (a.k.a.:  a real Peace Dividend)!  What's that you ask? "Why doesn't Japan have a full-fledged military?"  Oh, that's easy, because the United States provides the military forces under terms of their surrender following World War II.  Now that I think about it, probably not the BEST example, but hey, you get the idea!  And wasn't George H W Bush involved in THAT war?  That's right ANOTHER Bush's fault, once again.
• This 'Recovery' isn't necessarily slow - no way!  Parts of the US Economy are extremely vibrant!  Gun and ammunition sales are up almost 20% since the President's re-election!  I would include telecommunications devices here, but since most "Obama Phones" are free to consumers, they most likely wouldn't count (since they are not paid for with 'real money').  GW Bush does NOT have an Obama Phone, therefore he hasn't done anything in YEARS to bolster our economy!  AND he already owns guns...  (He's in Texas, right?).  Yet another Bush FAIL.
• George Lucas sells his company to Disney in 2012?  Why, you ask?  Because at a $4 BILLION price tag, he saved  about $100 MILLION in taxes he'd have to pay in 2013 when...  The Bush Tax Cuts Expire.  Yup, GW Bush's fault again!

Okay, maybe it's not ALL GW Bush's fault, but, then again, we KNOW it's not this President's fault.  Which begs the question:  If it's not ALL GW Bush's fault, and if it's not President Obama's fault (NONE of it)...   Then, who will be blamed for what happens in the next few years as we continue to shamble 'Forward!'? 

The work of the Media, Hollywood, and the Progressives is not yet done.   They desperately need to win the House two years from now.  So until then, obstructionist Republicans in Congress will remain the 'root of all evil' in our Nation. 

Are they really? 

Sure, why not? 

Someone must be blamed for the upcoming 'malaise' of the next few years.
 
Hey, over the next two years, perhaps you can spend eight minutes to view the following video clip?  Yeah, if you didn't vote for a Conservative guy or gal this time around, you might want to consider the following for the next time you're in the booth.  

For the sake of the future.

 

  

 

Twas the Night Before Election

Twas the night before election, all across the nation
The elderly, the poor, sat in dark rooms, eating Ken-L-Ration.
The ballots are stacked high on tables for Tuesday,
As I type this post for the following 'Moos Day'.

The Obama was nestled all smug in his bed,
As visions of four ‘similar years’ danced in his head.
And Michelle in chiffon, and Bo on his bed,
Had just begun to doze when they heard a sound they dread.

Out on the south lawn there arose such a clatter,
All sprang from their beds to see what was the matter.
Down to the Oval Office they flew in a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The night was so dark but the moon threw a glow,
They could see lanterns of Patriots there down below.
When, what to their watery eyes should appear,
A tall man in a hat walking slowly from far to near.

He was tall, all dressed in black, with stovepipe hat on his head,
As he came close they could hear his boots crunch leaves which lay dead.
He pulled a box on a wagon behind him so slowly,
A quiet, humble man born to conditions so lowly.

He paused at the patio outside of the office,
Looked up to the window with his long, drawn face.
In the next moment he pointed and spoke, “Obama Family,
I bring you a gift which you must see.”

“It’s called the Constitution of the United States.
It is the Foundation of our Nation which you must so hate.
You’ve ignored many Laws since the last election,
It’s time our Nation makes a correction.

You kept the economy in the ditch,
You marketed hatred by the poor of the rich,
You supported anarchists, rioters, Nazis and the worst,
You gave voice to unions and your supporters first.

When America was attacked, you watched and you sat,
Thinking of ways in which you wouldn’t be ‘blamed for that’.
But the truth will be released, the truth will out,
We will not forget those abandoned by you and your louts.

21 Million Americans out of work,
All you can do is show contempt - as you enjoy your perks,
You told supporters that, “Voting is the Best Revenge”,
While others before you have died to protect this Right - this privilege.”

Lincoln paused to pull his gloved hand across his face,
“Mr. President I have seen the violence fought over race,
Witnessed hatred in this Nation attempting to tear it asunder,
I ordered men to march into battle amidst the sounds of thunder.

You have polarized this Nation as none has before,
Weakened our Military so that we are unprepared for war,
Taken from those who serve this great Nation,
And given to others, in an effort to buy this election.”

Lincoln dropped the handle of the cart he was pulling,
Looked up one last time and spoke the words he was mulling,
“President Obama you are now on notice,
You are coming to the end of your days as POTUS.

Pack your teleprompter, your flight jacket, your Blackberry.
This Nation will get back to the business of prosperity.
Your time is up - your race is run,
Grab your family, leash your dog, your day in office now is done.”

…

The President woke up, rubbed his eyes with his sleeve,
Rolled to his left and considered the message he received.
“I will not go, and that is all, this is my place,
This is my home, my office, I will not leave in disgrace.

 
Whatever the result of this election,
I will not go, this is MY Nation.
They cannot make me go if I want to stay,
I will change the law this very day.


Once again he heard the other President’s voice boom throughout the room:

“Don't interfere with anything in the Constitution. That must be maintained, for it is the only safeguard of our liberties.

And not to Democrats alone do I make this appeal, but to all who love these great and true principles.” 

   --Abraham Lincoln,  August 27, 1856,  Speech at Kalamazoo, Michigan


 

Barack Obama - One and Done

 

 

 

 

The Running Man

Barack Obama:  The Running Man

Two ways to consider the title of this post (three, actually, if you consider the film by the same name):

1. President Obama is running TO something
2. President Obama is running AWAY from something

I'll leave the conclusion of which of the above scenarios applies at the end of today's post up to you. 

One of my Facebook friends posted the following photo (and caption) earlier this week the day after Super Storm Sandy worked its malignancy on the east coast.  Nothing against him, I just thought that it was an interesting statement made in posting the 'photo op' for the President and Chris Christie:

Caption above photo reads:  "Obama and Christie are showing what can be done when the two sides work together..."

[Moos Note:  Please, there should be NO 'sides' when addressing America's response to a natural (or unnatural) disaster.  You know, from whichever 'side' you're on...  We're Americans FIRST, right vs. political parties???  Past events have taught us this, if nothing else.]

"My instruction to [FEMA] has been:  do not figure out why we can't do something; I want you to figure out HOW we do something.  I want you to cut through red tape, I want you to cut through bureaucracy. 

There's no excuse for inaction a this point.  I want every agency to lean forward, and to make sure that we are getting the resources where they're needed as quickly as possible. 

I want to repeat my message to the federal government: 

• No bureaucracy,
• No red tape,
• Get resources where they're needed as fast as possible,
• As hard as possible,
• And for the duration"

President Barack Obama, October 30, 2012

One quick question:  Why was this admonition to FEMA and the rest of the Federal Government necessary? 

I was led to believe that there was no NEED to streamline, or improve the operational efficiencies of FEMA by the President and his supporters.  I know this because for the past several days Mitt Romney has been hammered online, on television, and in print for stating during a Republican Debate in 2011 that he called for the elimination of FEMA. 

What he said in New Hampshire can be found here:

The words in question were spoken at a June 2011 Republican primary debate in New Hampshire. When the former Massachusetts governor was asked by moderator John King of CNN whether he agreed with those who believe management of emergencies should be returned to the states, Romney not only agreed but went further. He would turn over as many functions as possible to private, profit-driven companies.
 
“Absolutely,” Romney said. “Every time you have an occasion to take something from the federal government and send it back to the states, that's the right direction. And if you can go even further and send it back to the private sector, that's even better.”

So now we have the aftermath of 'Super Storm Sandy' in New Jersey, New York, and to other states along the Eastern seaboard. 

President Obama admonishes FEMA to 'cut through the red tape' on October 30, 2012; he shows up in New Jersey for 90 minutes to fly over the area, sympathize with the locals who lost 'people and things', gets his photo op to show how much he cares, and then...


"Viva Las Vegas!"  [One mo' time]

 

Only one little, bitty, uncomfortable, and long-lasting problem...

His time on the ground accomplished nothing to assist the people impacted by this storm. 

Check out the following snippet from the Drudge Report this morning:

Gas shortages may not end for another week...
Fistfights, guns drawn...
Some siphoning from cars!
'I'm pretty pissed'...
Two massive generators power NY media, not masses...
NYC official:  Red Cross 'Absolute Disgrace'...
Looters dress like Con Edison workers to gain access to houses...
State Islanders plead for help:  'We need food'...
'Please don't leave us'...


And then, of course, he left. 

To try to keep his job. 

So that he can do MORE for US.

Yeah, I get it.  He's President of the United States and he wants to continue to be the President so that he can do what he's done for the past four years. 

Oh. Please. No.

Yes, I know what you're thinking...  "Yeah, well, Bush made babies CRY!  That's how bad of a person he was!!!"  (Please reference photo which follows)

 
Ah, I must admit, you got me that time.  Yes, Bush made at least one baby cry.  Uh huh, you got me GOOD on that one. 

But here's the thing:  People are giving President Obama heaps of praise for simply 'showing up'.  He didn't necessarily DO anything.  He showed up for the cameras - not for the people. 

I find it odd that the President of the United States has to tell HIS Departments and HIS Administration to NOT do things...  Like 'normal'. 

Here in New York State the irony is rich.  The New York Marathon is this weekend.  Mayor (I'm-supporting-Obama-how-'bout-you?) Bloomberg has massive generators set up to provide power for participants, reporters, and security...  While less than twenty miles away, people have no food, no homes, while some are looking for missing loved ones.

But don't worry, the President told his Administration to do things, "Gooder" (than they normally do).  It'll all be fine. 

The helicopter's gone, but his good will remains behind. 

Gee, thanks Mr. President.  What would we do without you?  

The other irony which strikes me, I guess, is that the past two times the US has suffered a 'tragedy' (Benghazi being the 1st, Sandy 2nd) the President goes to Las Vegas.  A seriously strange coincidence, but I guess when you care about your job more than the people who gave it to you - it makes sense? 

I've said it before, "Leadership is hard".  Some folks just aren't built for it.  Instead, some are better suited for re-reading the printed word, flash-bulbs, Hollywood fund-raisers, and bowing to third-world despots. 

I don't believe that this is what we need for another four years.

Agree or disagree with me in the above assessment, we'll all know soon enough how the People will fall on this particular subject.

In the meanwhile the President raises money, fires up his base, and jets ceaselessly around the country, people at the Jersey Shore and in Staten Island wonder where they'll sleep tonight.  

At least a few know what they're going to eat tonight. 

Unfortunately, this gives no particular comfort...

Sandy-Starved New Yorkers Dumpster Dive


UPDATE, 6pm, Friday, November 2:  The NYC Marathon has been cancelled in light of ongoing issues in the city.  Good call Mikie...