Thursday, November 20, 2008

I Would Have Offered Her a Twenty

Some people say that kids today are 'out of control'. They "don't respect their elders" and they've never learned "basic social skills".

I must respectfully disagree. I believe that the bottom-line issue that's wrong with kids today is that they do not understand the value of a dollar.


I offer the following as a recent example:

Dateline: November 12, 2008, Fort Pierce, Florida
On November 12th an eleven year old boy argued with his mother over taking 'his medication'. (For the sake of argument, let's just assume that he was hesitant to take Tylenol for back strain (after helping his father work in the garden). Then assume that he sprouted wings, flew over the garden and spit seeds from his mouth into the freshly plowed rows from an altitude of 3,200 feet. Either scenario is as likely as the other.)

Okay, so Mom tries to get Junior to take his medication, Junior is 'resistant' and leaves his Mom to go to a neighbor's house. The neighbor's tree is a little 'too thick' so Junior begins to hit the tree with a 'saw' (I, personally, would have used an axe, but this is 'Junior's story' isn't it?). Mom does not understand WHY the tree needs to be 'struck' with the edge of a saw and asks for Junior to put the saw down, and return home (lest we forget the thing that started it all...) to take his medication. Junior considers his options. He looks at the tree, looks at the saw, looks up at his Mom and then hits her across the side of her head with the edge of the saw blade.

Here's where it gets weird(er)... Junior, seeing that his mother is bleeding from the laceration on the side of her head, does what any of us would do in his position; he pleads for forgiveness; and then he offers his Mom $5.00 to NOT tell anyone. (For $5 YOU TOO can have your stupidity posted by a news service on the Internet -- that's a great value!)

Oh sure, there are some cynics among us who would say that "This child needs professional psychiatric help" (um, remember the 'medication' above? I'm pretty sure Mom has already travelled this particular route). And they'll say, that "He just needs understanding from his mother..."

No way! What Junior needs is a few semesters of Economics 101! EVERYONE who is anyone in the world of Economics KNOWS that a facial laceration caused by a saw is AT MINIMUM, a $20 bribe. If Junior had swung and MISSED -- this could have been a $5 offense. However, with actual 'facial contact', you've pretty much committed yourself to the full $20 bribe 'schedule'.
For future reference (assuming you haven't taken Econ 101 yourself) please keep the following handy in case you need to take a swipe at someone (with a saw, or other prescribed object):

HEAD TRAUMA PAY-OFF SCHEDULE:
  • ATTEMPTED HEAD STRIKE (BUT YOU MISSED) $5
  • HEAD STRIKE (NO BLOOD) $15
  • HEAD STRIKE WITH SAW (AND BLOOD IS DRAWN) $20
  • HEAD STRIKE WITH SAW AND DECAPITATION $250 (Plus 20 YEARS TO LIFE)
  • And just in case you were wondering about other rates (you WERE weren't you?):
  • HEAD STRIKE WITH A SKILLET $50
  • HEAD STRIKE WITH A SKILLET WITH FACIAL 'FRACTURE' $250
  • HEAD STRIKE WITH A 'CARP' OR OTHER LARGE FISH $ 0 (Because you're not telling ANYONE that you were hit about the head with a 'fish'. It is much better to tell them that you 'fell down the stairs into a large aquarium and YOU struck the fish with YOUR head' rather than to admitting that YOU were struck by the fish...)
  • HEAD STRIKE WITH A THERMAL-NUCLEAR DEVICE... Priceless

The more time I spend on the Internet, the more wonderful MY family becomes. I'll just need to keep the kids away from the yard tools this year... Just in case.

Now if I could just get them to 'fly' and seed the garden... Hmm...
Here's the article if you'd like to read it (although I really wouldn't recommend it as it will only make you sad...)

Boy allegedly hits mom with saw, offers her $5
Nov 14, 9:06 PM (ET)
FORT PIERCE, Fla. (AP) – Authorities say an 11-year-old boy hit his mother in the head with a saw and then offered her $5 not to call police. The St. Lucie County Sheriff’s Office reported that the boy and his 41-year-old mother got into an argument Wednesday when she was trying to get him to take his medication.

The boy left and went to another home, where he began hitting a tree with a saw. When the mother finally caught up with the boy, authorities say he hit her in the head with the saw, causing a minor laceration. A sheriff’s report said that’s when the boy began pleading with his mother not to call police and offered her a $5 bill.

The boy is facing an aggravated battery charge.
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