My Christmas Story

Must keep things in their proper perspective...

Everyone has a special Christmas Story, or Christmas tradition that they want to hand down to their kids.

This is mine.

I am 9 years-old. My Mom brings me to the local 5 and 10 (WAY before WalMart) to pick up a few late-minute Christmas items for the family. I am in the store fewer than two minutes when I see it.   It is red.   It is shiny.   It is meant to be mine.   It is meant to be under our tree - with MY name on it.

It is, of course, the Uncle Sam's Cash Register Bank. 



 

(The 'poke your eye out when you fall on it sharp metal nub' on my version was replaced by the impressive 'too wide' red 'puller-thing' shown here...)

It SINGS to me. It calls to me from across the store. I alone must possess it...

There are still a couple of weeks before Christmas, right? And ONLY $7.99?!?! How can my Mom turn me down? I've mentioned before that I have been in Sales for most of my adult life. What I haven't mentioned is that most people who are in Sales in their adult life, started out much earlier in their life, being, 'In Sales'.

Here's the dialogue, as best as I remember it, at least...

Me, "Mom, do you see IT?!"

Mom, "I'm sorry, do I see WHAT?"

Me, "The THING, the THING over THERE...! Can't you see IT?", I say pointing to the shelf that holds my hope for 'Christmas yet to come'.

Mom, "Oh, well, it isn't on your list for Santa, now is it?"

My hopes fall but I quickly recover and press the point further, "But Mom, how could I know?"

Mom, "Know what?"

Me, "That something this WONDERFUL; besides you (Mom), of course... Ever existed? I've never seen anything like it in all of my life. It's, it's... beautiful..." My voice trailed off as my eyes welled with tears all the while staring un-blinkingly at the object of desire.

Mom, "But you know, I think that Santa has already gotten your gifts all ready to go on his sleigh. It's too late to let him know about this now..."

Me, "But Mom, it's the ONE thing I truly want... AND, it will teach me how to be responsible with money.  You always say that I need to understand money better, right? It will TEACH me financial responsibility. Look, it even has a display that will tell me how much money I save; and saving money is really important! Right?"

Mom, "Well, I know, but..."

Me, "Mom, I WANT to be responsible! I WANT to save my money! I WANT to be like you and Dad! You guys are my heroes!"

Mom, "Umm..."
[The first overt sign of weakness, she is beginning to fold, now for the clincher...]

Me, "Mom, I WANT you to be proud of me, as I am proud of you and Dad. You guys are the best parents ever. I want to grow up to be a good; NO, I want to be a GREAT parent too - like both you and Dad are."

Mom, "Well, we already have gifts for you from us, and your Grandparents, and your brother, how can I get you this too?   It wouldn't be fair to your brother..."

[Rats, hadn't thought of that. Show no weakness, keep moving forward... Head down, keep moving...]

Me, "Mom?"

Mom, "Yes, Michael?"

Me, "Santa delivers gifts Christmas early morning right?"

Mom, "Yes, he does. Why do you ask, because you already know that..."

Me, "Well, I'm thinking;  what if we buy this bank, wrap it in Christmas wrapping paper, and slide it under the tree early Christmas morning before anyone else wakes up?


What if we put a gift tag on it that said?:

To: Mike
From: Santa

This way, no one will ever know that we bought the gift here, today, this very moment?"

Mom said, with the hint of a smile crossing her face, "Well, I don't know..."

Me, "Mom, we'll be the ONLY ones who will know! It can work. No! It WILL work! We can do this..."

Mom, "Okay, but it's just between the two of us."

Me, "You've got it Mom, you are the BEST!"

Christmas morning comes and there is an extra gift stashed way back under the tree. It has my name on it. It wis an Uncle Sam's Cash Register Bank. The tag says that it is from the jolly ol' elf himself, 'Santa Claus'. I love Santa. I love my Mom. I love the entire World this Christmas morning.

I still have the bank. It still works. My kids have asked me for it for years, but it's mine, I got it from my Mom.  It's still in my room in the house I grew up in. 

On Christmas morning I still love the entire World, in spite of all of its warts. Christmas is the one day you can still believe in magic. If you stretch out that magic for more than one day I believe that you will be truly happy.

In our family there is at least one gift under the tree each year tagged as follows,

To: Mike
From: Santa

There is also a gift under the tree tagged,
.

To: Gail
From: Santa
.
This is the tradition that I have passed to my family and now I pass it to you. 
.
This year, next year, just 'some' year, buy something special for yourself. Buy something for yourself that you know no one else would buy for you and tag it simply,
.
To: ____________
From: Santa
.
You've been good all year, you know it, I know it, and Santa knows it too...
.
Merry Christmas folks,

Mike

Holiday Safety Tips!!!

"Haaaaaaappy Holidays, Haaaaaaappy Holidays!!!
Have a Screaming Good Christmas!!!"

Keeping with the Moos of the Day blog's LONG tradition (May 2008!) of providing important safety information, I have just come across Moos that I wanted to get out to you immediately. 

The following concerns an actual news story written by actual Medical Doctors in Great Britain (really, it is, NOT kidding). Please continue reading for the sake of your children (and your childrens' children).

Doctors in the United Kingdom have issued a scary warning to parents of children (BOY children) in anticipation of the Christmas holiday's travels.

That warning?

This holiday season...

Keep that toilet seat lid up!
  

Yes, after extensive research (involving four young English boys and a six-pack of Guinness), medical doctors have determined that EVERY boy between the ages of 2 and 4 years old runs the risk of crushing his 'winky' if he is holding the toilet seat up while urinating into a toilet. The study references the fact that ornamental toilet seats (shown below) are heavier than newer, environmentally-disasterous-fossil-fuel-based-plastic seats and could do considerable damage to the young man if the seat were to fall down onto the child's unprotected 'winky'.

This is a BAD toilet seat, any way you look at it (from above, OR below)...

 

Please make sure that when you are traveling with small children that you immediately check out the toilet to make sure that it is safe for your child. 

The following tips are provided by the article (I'm not making any of these up) and are posted here as guidelines for you (as well as for the safety of your child):

*Parents should consider using toilet seats that fall slowly and with reduced momentum, which would reduce the risk and degree of injury.

*Heavier toilet seats could be banned(?) in houses with male infants.

*Households with male infants should consider leaving the toilet seat up after use, even though it contradicts the social norm of putting it down. 

[Left unsaid, of course, is the half-awake small boy falling into the toilet and flushing himself to Washington, DC...  Another political nightmare just waiting to unfold...]

*Parents could educate their toddlers to hold the toilet seat up with one hand while urinating. 

*During such a feat, parents should keep an eye on toddlers until the toddler can do this by himself.


I do have several recommendations that I would like to throw into the mix, you know, in the name of 'Safety'. 

Please keep in mind that I am here to help YOU eliminate some of the trauma associated with adolescent urination...

1. Encourage your male children to urinate outside whenever possible. This saves water and gives your grass that sought-after 'healthy green glow' all year long!

2. In the winter, improve your child's 'penmanship' by challenging them to write their names neatly in the snow (in cursive). The success of this venture, of course, is partly determined by the complexity of your child's name. 

'Mike Kane' was relatively easy as a kid (it still is, now that I think about it) as it consists of only eight letters. Conversely, Terrence Winston Casey, III presents a much larger challenge (and requirement of a much larger bladder).

3. Throw caution to the wind and encourage your male children to be a 'setter' when they relieve themselves (Number 1 AND Number 2) if you have a heavy toilet seat lid. 

This will be a HUGE problem when they use the restroom in high school, but come on, they've got to get beaten up sooner or later, right? Might as well get it out of the way on Day One of their Freshman Year!

So I guess the real message here is to tell your kids to be careful when they're 'doing their business'. 

According to the article it appears that these docs in the U.K. want to BAN certain types of toilet seats.  Come on, where's the challenge THERE???  Hey, instead of banning toilet seats, why don't we get (and keep) parents involved with properly training their kids how to, 'Make wee wee in the potty?!'  I know, I'm out on a limb here, but you never know, it could work... 

Bottom line is that boys need to take matters into their own hands, and do the job properly.

Sheesh, the next thing these 'caring guys in white lab coats' are going to do is request a ban on 'Lawn Darts'! 

Come on, everybody loves 'Lawn Darts'!

 

Nothing more fun than a rousing game of 'Toss the Sharp Heavy Metal Spike Up Into the Air (and RUN for your life) Game' of Jarts!
Most of us survived 'Jarts' (but I do miss George Cahill...) 

I would be remiss not to mention the joy of also surviving: Riding in cars without seat belts, riding in cars without 'child' car seats, sitting on our parent's lap while they were driving, lighting model ships on fire with lighter fluid to re-create the conflaguration scene from "Tora, Tora, Tora!" and, my personal favorite, riding with my friend Steve Helinski along the back roads of Long Island while he pretended that his 1968 GTO was a Star Trek "Shuttle Craft". (For the record, it was NOT my idea, and it didn't turn out so well, but I'm still here to write about it -- so, if nothing else, it was another valuable life-lesson learned!)


I guess the thing that caught my eye in the article was the fact that here we have more well-meaning individuals looking to make folks a little more 'careful' (a.k.a.: 'Anxious'). I'm sure that they really had the best of intentions in publishing their study (remember - 4 boys), but perhaps they should have dug a little deeper to determine exactly how many boys between the ages of 2 and 4 are dropping seats on their 'winkies'! If it's ALL of them, then this is great information to be aware of.  If it's one kid in several thousand, shoot, that's nothing to get worked up about.   


If it's 4 out of the entire male population in the U.K., well, we'd better find something more 'statistically significant' to dwell upon. For example, the chances of an asteroid hitting me square on top of my head continues to be a major concern to me. If I could get some research here, I would feel really good (or maybe not) about this.


So Moms and Dads across the vast and mighty U.S.; raise those seats (or not) and have your sons play a rousing game of 'Sink the Sub' (you can send me a note and I will explain) next time they have to go Number 1. J

ust make sure that they don't drop the durn seat and cut you off from ever having Grandchildren.


You'll find the original article here:  Hey, did you just hear a 'thud' (and a blood-curdling scream)?

Let's all be Wee Wee safe this holiday travel season!

Merry Christmas...

Ed Asner's New Gig... Hate.

Please ignore the "Jolly old Elf" version of Ed Asner pictured in the photo above.  Mr. Asner has added a new character to his varied acting and voice-over career to include that of a cartoonish, yet darker, little old man; that of a "Hate Monger". 

Yes, I know it's hard to hear someone refer to a guy who played Santa a "H.M.", but given the situation, I'm not sure of which other phrase or descriptive term may adequately capture the essence of the man I met on the radio yesterday while driving in my car.  Am I correct in my assessment, or am I once again being 'wacky' and all, 'right wing extreme'? 

I'll let you be the judge.

Let's take a second to get a clear understanding of what a "Hate Monger" is.  Hey, I didn't invent the phrase, so let's see what the nice folks at the Oxford Dictionaries Online have to say...


1a.  Definitional Section of the post explaining the phrase, "hate-mongering":

adjective - (especially of speech or writing) arousing or intended to arouse feelings of hatred: inflammatory, hate-mongering rhetoric

 noun - the arousal of feelings of hatred using speech or writing: hate-mongering and incitement to violence


1b.  "Visual Aid" Section B of the "Ed Asner's New Gig...  Hate." post:

1c. "Visual Aid" Section C of the "Ed Asner's New Gig... Hate." post featuring the words of the Ed Asner himself:

Link:  Tax the Rich: An animated fairy tale

Okay, a couple of things, just so we understand each other:

First, why does Ed Asner feel the need to urinate on the 'People'?  And HOW is he doing it?  Personally, I haven't urinated successfully on anyone in YEARS (not for a lack of trying), but rather, because my 'stream' is not as vigorous as it once was.  And if I'm having a hard time reaching a stationary target at MY age?  Well, I'm thinking that Ed (at 106 years old) may not have enough gusto to get much further than his fly during the actual 'elimination' event.  I wouldn't be surprised if dust shot out the end of the thing instead of warm, sterile (yes it's true) fluid from Ed 'Water Boy' Asner's winkie.  And THIS is why it's a cartoon vs. an actual 'video'.  No 106 year old guy can whiz like that without 'video augmentation'.  (Not to mention that it would be difficult to find live people wanting to be 'rained' on by Santa...)

Second, while there will be those Liberal Progressive folks who will say that "The video was a gag, it was intended to be a JOKE - you guys on the Right aren't even smart enough to see the humor in it."  I beg to differ, I know a little bit about humor and this thing doesn't have ANY humor in it.  It's offensive, it's misleading, and it's what we've come to expect from the folks on the Left.  

Liberal MOTTO:  "Even when you WIN, act like a loser (with nothing to lose)."

Third, which should actually have been First, but I had to get Ed's 'winkie' into the post early lest folks drop off by this point:  I wonder why this seven minute clip is a cartoon, geared for little kids?  Seriously, this thing looks like some demented cast off from School House Rock (too bad Ed didn't sing in this one - this would have made it a little 'funny' at least). 

So then the goal is to teach kids very early in life to HATE people who are a success through their own efforts, ingenuity, and, yes, it happens...  Good fortune?  Because as many Progressive folks and Socialists have taught us in the past, when it comes to hate, there is NO age restriction and younger is 'betterer'.

Another little reported fact about this video is that it was produced by the California Federation of Teachers.  Odd that a group presumably intended to educate our children should chose THIS message to promote at THIS time.  Hatred is learned - and this group knows how to teach.  They know a lot about early childhood education. 

"Oh, Heil to you kids too!  Wait a minute, you're not Boy Scouts!  Get out of my Post!!!"

Ed Asner lends his voice to Disney's wonderful film, "Up", as well as this seven minute bit of jetsom from the California Federation of Teachers' cartoon (a.k.a.: "Up YOURS").  The video is meant to make Socialism look 'most excellent' and ramp up hatred of Capitalists in America (just MY opinion of course, but after all, it's my blog post).  None of this should really be a surprise, it's been done before. 

We find ourselves reliving history because we no longer teach history - we teach f-a-i-r-n-e-s-s (a.k.a. Social Justice).  Throughout history we have learned that Fairness makes everyone 'equally submissive' (and repressed) by whichever 'all powerful' lunatics are running the joint.
 

Okay, who snuck the picture of THESE guys in here???  Certainly
I'm not talking about THEM...

.
Then of course, America flies its bravest in and rescues the oppressed from under the thumb of the Dictator du jour.

Only problem is...  Who's coming to save US?

Holy cow, I hope Canada (or GASP - Mexico?) has an Air Force, or we're in deep doo doo. 

Ah, don't sweat it, this video clip MUST be a gag right?  Why else would Ed (I'm a Millionaire) Asner be spouting off against the rich?  He's not into self-loathing, is he?  Is he a Mary-Tyler-Masochist? 

What?  You don't believe that Ed Asner is a Millionaire?  You doubt ME???  Oh ye of little faith...      

CelebrityNetWorth.com reports:  What’s Ed Asner’s net worth? Ed Asner is an American actor with a net worth of $1.5 million. He acquired his net worth by becoming a television, film, stage and as a voice actor.

Yeah, perhaps the Liberal folks above were right, I'm not smart enough to see the brilliance of this heartwarming little film.

TRIVIAL PURSUIT SECTION OF THE POST:  What is Ed Asner's favorite song? 

"Dust In the Wind"

I don't care what you say, no way Ed could hit these folks at his age. 

Well, I guess he could have his Nurse throw his moist 'Depends' at them...  Close enough for government work. 

Freaking idiots.

R.I.P. Bazooka Joe (1952-2012)

November 30, 2012:  Bazooka Joe, long-time spokesperson for Topps Gum has died.  He and his family (his Gang) of comic characters:  Mort, Pesky, Jane, Hungrie Herman, Toughie and Walkie Talkie (for the love of God, Topps killed the friendly neighborhood dog too!) have each reportedly been 'put down' by The Topps Company, Inc. due to 'poor market performance'.

Cause(s) of death(s) include:  Poor sales, traditional conservative values (I actually READ this in a story moments ago), an obnoxiously PINK gum which tastes uncanily like carpet retrieved from the floor of a taxi-cab following New Year's Eve, a target audience which can not 'read' comics, and a general inability to 'rap' effectively.  This latter attribute was crucially important in an attempt to garner market share of minority youths living in inner-cities and illiterate Whites living in suburbs sporting crooked ball caps and jeans which fall scant millimeters north of the 'MBC' ('majoris buttus crackus').   

There are no surviving members of the Bazooka Joe family.  America mourns the loss of this one-eyed Comic Giant, his gang, his neighborhood dog, and our Nation's collective innocence.

Services for the group have not officially been scheduled as yet by the WEALTHY 1% MURDERERS at Topps Company, Inc.  However, the Obama Administration will provide FREE Grief Counseling to those adversely affected by this heinous act of marketing violence. 

You can check for mental health counseling services by visiting White House . gov  for complete information on Minority Mental Health month (founded, July, 2012). 

[However, you are NOT a Minority, you are completely on your own.  Live with that Bazooka Joe bereavement pain (Sucka!) and if you NEED to move on, adopt a dog.  If you do adopt a stray animal PLEASE do not name him 'Walkie Talkie' as it is embarrassing for YOU and your pet.]

Contributions can be made in lieu of flowers to the Obama 2016 re-election campaign fund, Hillary Clinton, Treasurer.       


Yes, America has lost another icon. 

Several weeks ago we lost the legendary 'Twinkie the Kid'...

 
Today we lose Bazooka Joe (and His Gang):

 
When will the senseless killing of products and spokes'toons' end?

When!?!?!

Remember just a few weeks ago when we took SO many things for granted? 

Remember when we KNEW that ANY Golden Retriever (my dog 'Kelly' could not run, she is too old - 74 in People Years) could beat the incumbent President? 

Yeah, so what happened THERE???  

Okay, so let me ask you another question: 

How many of us chuckled at the following when we first heard it?

Q.:  What are the only two things in nature which will survive the aftermath of a nuclear war?

A.:  Cockroaches and Twinkies.

How many of us KNEW that Twinkies couldn't withstand a SINGLE Obama Term?  What might this bode for the Second FULL Term of the President and our favorite 'foods' (and their mascots)?

Regardless, the relentless Mayan Doomsday Calendar chunks inexorably onward.  It moves all of us towards the inevitable 'End of Days' (COMING SOON TO A TOWN NEAR YOU!) on December 21, 2012. 

Yes, I no sooner finish mourning the demise of my beloved 'twin-wrapped-delectable-fluff-filled-spongy-treats' to awake this morning to the death of another friend of my childhood, Bazooka Joe. 

Sure, we used to eat the comic strip wax paper and throw the remaining rectangular gum 'briquets' at passing cars as we rode our bikes 'upstreet', but come on, all things considered, it was a happier time.  It was a simpler time.  It was a time in which our Nation was 'going to the moon', we were 'going to win in Vietnam', and we were going to 'fix poverty' - FOREVER. 

Well, one out of three ain't bad.

I will NOT, however, blame the demise of Bazooka Joe entirely on the Obama Administration.  Sure, you COULD make the case that it's harder to afford 5 CENT gum than it used to be, but this is not the lone reason for Joe's passing. 

The death of Bazooka Joe sits squarely on the head of The Topps Company, Inc. management.  After all, which marketing genius at the company believed they would attract more gum purchasers by updating 'Joe' and giving him his own 'Bubble Gum Rap'? 

Yeah, way to read your Marketing Demographics Corporate "Temple of Pure Thought Dudes".  In the future you might want to spend a bit less time analyzing your analytics and more time tasting your freaking product. 

Seriously, Rappin' Bazooka Joe?  Schazizzel! 

Nothing like hiding a 'Rapping Joe' inside a Bazooka wrapper designed when Eisenhower was President. 

That's akin to putting a 40" LED 1080p TV Monitor into a 'DuMont' TV box and hoping someone guesses what's in there.

"Matching legs at no extra cost!"

Ah, now that I think about it, I guess that it's okay that Joe goes.  The boy and his friends had a good run of almost sixty years. 

My only regret is that I can't write a similar post about President Obama and his comic gang of characters, "Bazooka Joe Biden", "Hillary Jane Clinton", "Steven Pesty Chu", "Harry Mort Reid" and "Susan Herman Rice"  following our most-recent elections.

Sooner or later America 'gets it right' regardless of the packaging, the marketing, and the lack of quality in the product itself.  But if I'm looking at President Obama when he's one hundred years old and still sitting in the White House?  Me and him are gonna mix it up on the North Lawn.  Gums or no gums...

This character and his gang need to follow Twinkie the Kid and Bazooka Joe into the sunset.  Before our Nation does.

But that's just me.  I'm most likely a Racist (so I've been told). 

... 

FREE ADVICE:  Since the world ends in fewer than three weeks buy everything you can on LONG TERM credit!  It'll stimulate the Economy, allow President Obama's administration to go out with a real approval BANG!, AND it will make your loved ones happy.

MORE FREE ADVICE:  This year you might want to celebrate Christmas on December 20th, just so your family gets a chance to enjoy the gifts for the 24-hours remaining. 

YET MORE FREE ADVICE:  Take FREE ADVICE for what you paid for it. 

I'm 99.97% sure the world does NOT end in fewer than three weeks, but if it DOES...  Can someone buy me a 2013 Ford Fusion Titanium (Sport Blue) with EcoBoost engine, Leather, and the Moon & Tune package?  Just please get it to me by Monday of this week so I can enjoy it for a bit before, well, you know...

Thanks, that'd be swell...

You folks are the best!