In Bed

Okay, sometimes humor finds you, and sometimes you find humor where you least expect it. Years ago I was sitting in a Chinese restaurant and a young couple at the table next to me was laughing hysterically. Since I'm always up for a 'Yuk' (when I'm around my wife and kids, they say 'Yuck' a lot - although, now that I think about it, it may not be exactly the same thing), I asked them, "Excuse me, but I can't help but notice that you are on the verge of 'making water' in your pants. Okay, so what's so funny?" They told me that the fortunes from their Fortune Cookies were the cause of their side-splitting laughter.

"Are you serious? So is Steve Martin started writing one-liner 'fortunes' for Fortune Cookie companies?" I asked.

"No, no, it's not that." the man sitting at the table answered as he continued to sputter with laughter.

"Were you drinking a lot before I got here?" I asked, trying to shed some light on the true source of their giddyness.

"No, we're going back to work, but it's the... the, 'in bed' rule.", the woman said as she wiped her watery eyes with an already damp red paper napkin.

Oh, oh, maybe I should have kept my question to myself? I thought that this was going somewhere that I didn't need it to, or want, it to go. They recognized my 'discomfort' because the woman quickly followed up with a question of her own, "Do you know about the 'in bed' rule?"

"Ah, all I know is that my wife says that I cannot eat in bed, and that whoever is the last one OUT of bed 'makes' the bed...", hoping this truthful response would keep the conversation from going to a 'weird' place.

"A good couple of rules, but not the 'in bed' rule...", replied the guy as he looked back across the table to the woman.

Now it was the woman's turn once again, "The 'in bed' rule says that whenever you read the 'fortune' from a fortune cookie, you need to add 'in bed' to the end of it... Whatever your fortune is, it will be funny, or at least more interesting, when you add, 'in bed' to the end of it."

"So this is why you guys are laughing your rumps off over here?", I asked.

"You've got it!", the man said, chiming back in to the conversation.

"Does it always work?", I asked.

"Yes, here's my fortune...", the woman reached back to the table and picked up her twisted slip of paper and began to read aloud: "This suspense is exciting, I hope it will last." She then added, "In bed".

"Okay, but it couldn't always work, could it?", I wasn't really convinced yet...

The man picked up his fortune and read it aloud (probably louder than he needed to considering it was an otherwise quiet restaurant), "Efforts and courage are not enough without purpose and direction - in bed."

"Whoa, that is kind of funny in a weird, Sixth Grade Elementary School kind of way... But I'm a 'Sixth Grade humor' kind of guy", I said. Now I wanted to open MY fortune cookie, before my second trip to the buffett bar. Somehow, the fortune I received was strangely appropriate: "Ideas not coupled with action will never become bigger than the brain cells they occupy. Yeah, 'in bed'", I added, as I read my fortune aloud to the table with the couple sitting across from me.

"Yup, works every time..." the man said as he picked up his check and stood to leave.

The couple paid their bill and walked out of the restaurant, laughing as they went. I never learned their names, but I never forgot the 'in bed' rule. I share it with you in the hope that you will enjoy all of your Chinese meals whether they be, 'take-out', 'buffett', or, 'in bed'.

Just to get you started, I went to a website that has listings of fortune cookie sayings (to save you MONEY and your very LIFE! You know, with the Economy, gas prices, global warming, Africanized Honey bees and all...).

Here are the first twenty that I came across (you be the judge as to if 'the rule' works or not):

There is a true and sincere friendship between you and your friends - in bed.

You find beauty in ordinary things, do not lose this ability - in bed.

Ideas are like children; there are none so wonderful as your own - in bed.

It takes more than good memory to have good memories - in bed.

A thrilling time is in your immediate future - in bed.

Your blessing is no more than being safe and sound for the whole lifetime - in bed.

Plan for many pleasures ahead - in bed.

The joyfulness of a man prolongeth his days - in bed.

Your everlasting patience will be rewarded sooner or later - in bed.

Make two grins grow where there was only a grouch before - in bed.

Something you lost will soon turn up - in bed.

Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout - in bed.

Excitement and intrigue follow you closely wherever you go - in bed!

A pleasant surprise is in store for you - in bed.

May life throw you a pleasant curve - in bed.

As the purse is emptied the heart is filled - in bed.

Be mischievous and you will not be lonesome - in bed.

Your flair for the creative takes an important place in your life - in bed.

Your artistic talents win the approval and applause of others - in bed.

Pray for what you want, but work for the things you need - in bed.

Simba, the circle is complete, the grass feeds the antelope, the lions eat the antelope, the antelope dies to feed the grass, then... Oh, sorry, that's from 'The Lion King'. Well, in any event, this circle IS complete. It was shared with me, and I share it with you now. First the 'I Have a Cow (The Game)' for traveling fun, and now, the 'In bed' thing for dining in 'fine' Chinese restaurants. Try not to have green tea shoot out your nose... in bed. Oops.

Well, anyway, I'm sure some of you may have already have heard of the 'in bed' rule, but for those of you that have not, I offer it to you here 'free' as a passing of the 'in bed' torch. It's sort of like the olympic torch 'pass', but on a 'Sixth Grade' level. If you have any other Sixth Grade humor that you'd like to share, send it on over. For me, at least, Seventh Grade is always another year away...

See ya' in class!

The 'Green' Rodent From Pennsylvania

It was only a matter or time. It had to happen. The only question I have is: So why did I have to find out about it?


I was arguing with my son over the number of times that Punxsutawney Phil hasn't seen his shadow since 1886 (we had to argue about something, so why not something completely pointless?). That answer, so YOU don't have to look it up, is FOURTEEN. Yes, for only fourteen times in the past 132 years, the sleepy, dark-loving, 'un-happy-about-being-dragged-out-in-front-of-13,000-loons' Phil has NOT seen his shadow. Now you know in case you want to start an argument with someone in your family...


But I also found out something that I DIDN'T know. I found out that there are folks 'out there' speculating that since NINE of these fourteen total 'non-shadow' appearances have taken place since 1975 that it's because of... WHAT? Go ahead and guess! Come on, you can do it!

Give up?

What is the significance of 9 out of 14? Take a shot! Do IT! Do IT NOW! (Read the preceding like Ahnooold.)

Well, it is being speculated that this large percentage of non-shadow 'events' since 1975 is because Punxsutawney Phil is sensitive to, and completely aware of... Global Warming.

Yup, even the groundhog is in on the Global Warming kick now. Here is a photo of the environmentally-aware groundhog in his natural environment (being dragged out of a dark box into broad daylight, surrounded by thousands of shouting and laughing 'Phil-O-Philes').

Go ahead, look into HIS eyes and call ME insane...


Yes, stare into the eyes of nature's pre-eminent early-warning system. Feel Phil's psychic presence as he pleads with you to save HIS planet (he, apparently, is very full of himself)...

Okay, enough of that. Can we discuss reality for a moment, just for a MOMENT? From the article, I quote, "(Phil) uttered something in the obscure language of Groundhogese to Club President Bill Cooper, who then proclaimed that the large rodent had seen his shadow and we would therefore be getting six more weeks of winter."

So here's where it gets weird(er): The Global Warming prediction is NOT made by the groundhog himself, but more appropriately, by a guy named, 'Bill Cooper' translating on behalf of the rodent.

How do I know this? Simply put, groundhogs don't speak. Go ahead, you can look it up if you have to, but I'm pretty confident that the section above about 'the obscure language of Groundhogese' is a SCAM made up to amuse TOURISTS (as proof, I offer the following to you: No one in their right mind goes to Pennsylvania in FEBRUARY.)

If Phil actually spoke, I'm pretty sure it would be something more like, "Psst, hey buddy, you put me back in my box away from these lunatics or I'm gonna take off one of your stubby little gloved fingers. Don't mess with me, I'm a rodent, a cousin of the 'rat'. I can do it. Don't push me man. And watch where you're puttin' that other HAND!"

To add more credence to the above theory, it was reported on February 2nd that the New York equivalent of Phil, Staten Island Chuck, did in fact, take a chunk out of NYC Mayor, Michael Bloomberg's hand. From a personal perspective, I hope he's okay. You can get a nasty infection from a bite like that. Regarding Mayor Bloomberg, I'm sure that he'll be okay, I'm more concerned that the poor little rodent may have picked something up from him, you know, him being a politician and all...

If you would like to read the entire story, you can click the following link -> Phil Responding to Global Warming?

Click the link if you want... Or you can just trust me. Just like the Global Warming folks who 'KNOW IN THEIR HEARTS THAT HUMANS ARE KILLING THE PLANET', trust Bill Cooper to translate the frantic gruntings of a panicked rodent (being pulled from his hutch into the cold February air) to predict the winter weather forecast (and the END of the EARTH).

Yeah, you're right, it's probably better to not trust anyone. Not even a guy in the tuxedo coat and top hat.

Game On...

Signs Of Life

Do the people who write this stuff ever go back and read it again once they are done?:

I was following a truck this morning heading north on I-95. There was a huge orange sign on the back of the truck that said “Construction Vehicle – Do Not Follow”. So I turned around and went back to the office.

I had the opportunity to open a toilet paper 6-pack earlier today on which the following words appeared: “Facial Quality”. Butt I didn’t need to wipe my face…

While showering this morning I took time to read the shampoo bottle. Under instructions, it said, “Lather, Rinse, Repeat”. I’m still in the shower and the laptop’s getting wet, what happens next?

Q-Tip Box includes the following instruction: "Do not use in ear canal" What ELSE are they good for -- Teeny-tiny Tiki Torches?

Oh, and on a "Scrubbing Bubbles Fresh Brush" I came across in our bathroom, I found the following verbiage: "Do not use for personal hygiene" Anyone ever see the size of that ' Scrubbing Bubbles Fresh Brush'? What part of your body WOULD you clean with it?

I ordered a 'Southern Style Chicken Sandwich' today at McDonalds. (If you've ever eaten at Chick-Fil-A, you know what they are trying to do -- but naaah, not even close.) I read the back of the little purple and white cardboard casket that my sandwich came in and found the following note: "Made with a minimum 46% post-consumer recycled content" Super, now they're wrapping my lunch in someone else's garbage. Thanks Scary Clown, now I'll tell everyone that the "You Want Flies With That?" blog was about YOU. That's right, your name is on the street -- let's see how long you survive after these two MAJOR scandals?

And, when I ordered the $1.00 hot fudge sundae to wash down my trash-encased sandwich I was relieved to see that the peanuts (that I asked NOT to get) also had a warning: "Allergen Information: May contain tree nuts" So was I 'nuts' for not running screaming out of the building? Lacking that little tidbit of information, how could I have possibly known that my peanuts might have been hanging out with the 'wrong type' of nuts?

I washed my car this weekend and had to open a new bottle of Meguire's Crystal Car Wash. I twisted off the cap on top of the jug and found an inside foil seal labeled: "Sealed for your protection". What are they protecting me from, washing my car?

That's it for now. The "Do Not Follow" sign got me thinking... If you've seen any 'spooky' verbiage out there, send it in as a 'Comment'.

It's FUN, it's EASY, and best of all, it's FREE. (For a limited time only. Actual comment cost may be affected by dealer's contribution and your credit rating, no money down, and EZ monthly payments required, 12,000 characters included in the base comment lease and .32 per character for every character over the 12,000 during calendar period. Remember to always read the FINE PRINT -- it's there for someone's protection (yeah, not yours))...

Words Mean Things... Right?

This is not the post I was going to write this morning. THAT post was to be about one of my favorite things: my good dog, Kelly. Appropriately enough, it was to be entitled, "The Golden Assassin". (I promise that it will make more sense when it's actually written...)

As I logged onto my lightning-fast (and soon to be 5% more expensive) Time Warner Internet Explorer session; an article on a topic that I had thought about for the past week popped up on my screen. But I didn't think anyone would put the subject of this particular thought of mine into words. It was labelled, simply enough: "Under Obama, `war on terror' catchphrase fading".

(Question: Should the first letter of the words in a title of a story, or article be capitalized? I remember this from Ms. McGooey's Third Grade English Class, but would appreciate clarification if you have any. I'll go back and update the titles of my posts since May of 2008 as appropriate... Sure, I'll do this right after I walk to Washington, DC with my pig, "Wilbur", in my pocket to draw attention to the PORK in the current House Bill heading to the Senate. If you haven't already done so, you might want to call YOUR local Senator to request their opposition to this boondoggle. They've already heard from me.)

The article was a piece written by Associated Press writer, LOLITA C. BALDOR (I copied and pasted her name exactly as it appeared in the article. THIS is where all the capital letters have gone. They have all been moved to her name.)

Here is an excerpt from LOLITA C. BALDOR's article (you can read the complete text by clicking the title of the story above, in the second paragraph):

"During the past seven years, the "War Against Terror" or "War on Terror" came to represent everything the U.S. military was doing in Iraq and Afghanistan, as well as the broader effort against extremists elsewhere or those seen as aiding militants aimed at destroying the West.

Ultimately and perhaps inadvertently, however, the phrase "became associated in the minds of many people outside the Unites States and particularly in places where the countries are largely Islamic and Arab, as being anti-Islam and anti-Arab," said Anthony Cordesman, a national security analyst at the Center for Strategic and International Studies, a Washington think tank."

Also, from the article:

"According to the White House, Obama is intent on repairing America's image in the eyes of the Islamic world and addressing issues such as the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, unrest in Pakistan and India, Arab-Israeli peace talks and tensions with Iran.

Using language is one way to help effect that change, said Wayne Fields, professor of English and American culture studies at Washington University in St. Louis.

One of the contrasts between the two administrations is the care with which Obama uses language. He thinks about the subtle implications," said Fields, an expert on presidential rhetoric. The Bush administration "didn't set out deliberately to do things that were offensive but they liked to do things that showed how strong they were, and to use language almost in an aggressive sense."

Obama, he said, understands that language and conversation must be worked at and that it's "not just a series of sound bites.""

So according to CSIS, the Center for Strategic and International Studies, and LOLITA C. BALDOR: By changing the words we use, we will have a positive impact on how certain parts of the world view the United States of America. Does this mean then, that once we embrace this new language of verbal political correctness, everything will be pretty much 'okay'?

I don't buy it.

The bad guys, whether they be Islamic Extremists, Irish Catholic (which I am, so don't get weird on me), Buddhists, Atheists, Protestants, Jews, Global Warming-types, or whatever religious affiliation; well, they know who they are.

The War on Terror by the United States was not an anti-religious action. It was an anti-Terror action. That's why it was called the, 'WAR ON TERROR'. It was NOT called the, 'WAR ON A CERTAIN RELIGIOUS GROUP (YOU KNOW WHO THEY ARE)'.

To be intellectually honest, we were not attacked by Irish Catholics, Jews, Buddhists, Protestants (the jury's still out on the 'Global-Warming folks'), or anyone else in my abbreviated list with the exception of, here it comes!: Islamic Extremists!

These were not nice people. These people were not using nice language about us as they flew the planes into buildings around our country killing our brothers, sisters, husbands, wives, children....

They slaughtered Americans to incite terror and to reap their reward of de-flowering virgins in the after-life, all at the direction of a mad man. The United States was attacked by Islamic Extremists bent on inflicting terror against US, the people of the United States. Call them what you like, but at their core, they were Islamic Extremists.

So now begins the era of conscious effort to be 'politically correct' to the eyes of the world
regarding our language. Personally, I think the real challenge will be to continue to keep the country safe, grow our economy, and stand for the things that made this nation the envy of the world for generations. If 'the words we use' are part of the equation, well, we'll see.

Personally, I believe actions speak more loudly than words. And actions are typically not mis-understood (unless, of course, you happen to be the 43rd President of the United States, in which case you just won't win, regarless what you do because the media HATES you, and admittedly, you sometimes just do goofy stuff (the Bail-Out comes to mind)).

Conversely, words CAN be misunderstood or misinterpreted. Especially when you spend more time thinking about the words you use, rather than the message that the words convey to your intended audience.

Words are important. Actions consistent with 'words' are more important than the words themselves. Neither one cannot survive without the other when it comes to successful national leadership. I just hope that President Obama and the Congress send the correct message to those listening worldwide regarding their verbiage and actions in the years to come. Our lives may depend upon it.

Just a thought.